In the Blood
by ElaineRadley
Summary: Past and present are clashing. Will the emotional fallout threaten Cal and Gillian's future?
1. Chapter 1

_**What is it about this show that makes me unable to stop writing for it? As much as I should step away (I really, really should – not kidding in the least), I keep getting these pesky ideas that haunt me until I write them down. So, without further ado, another teaser…**_

* * *

_**1980**_

His arm was heavy but comforting across her as his slow alcohol tinged breaths warmed her cheek. He'd passed out after their lovemaking session and she suspected he'd be asleep for the next several hours at least. That was a very good thing.

She stared at the ceiling, watching the slow rotation of the fan and how it sliced through the shadows, making them flicker and shift. Her tears were silent but coated her face in abject misery. It was almost time to go but her emotions wouldn't allow her body to obey her brain's commands.

Having had ample time for her eyes to adjust to the dark, she turned her head to study his profile. He was on his stomach so most of his features had disappeared into the pillow but what she did see was lovely. Long blond bangs hung in a curtain but she could see his full lips parted in sleep. He was a beautiful man, barely more than a boy really. At nineteen, he was seven years her junior. From the very beginning she'd known that it wouldn't work. It had started out as light hearted and fun with no expectations but had changed before she'd even realized it. She'd never expected to fall so hard and so fast. He was just a teenager but his experiences had prematurely aged him and he'd developed a world weary attitude that contrasted with the boyish exterior. He was also brilliant. She'd never known anyone like him and she knew that he'd go far but in order for that to happen she'd have to let go. There was no way she could keep him. Maybe if the situation was different…no, it would still never work. She'd be the anchor that would pull him down and although he'd never voice it, she was certain he knew it too.

She ghosted her fingertips down his bare arm, watching at his muscles twitched even in sleep. His skin was so smooth, having very little hair on his lean body. Remembering the feeling of him against and then inside her made the tears fall a little faster.

It was time to cut the tie and go already.

With care, she began to wriggle out from under his arm. She paused for just a moment when one small breath caught but as he continued to sleep she took the opportunity to escape without further disturbing him.

The woman moved through the darkness recovering all pieces of her clothing, dressing swiftly. Her decision was made and there was no turning back as much as it hurt.

She spent several more moments watching the steady rise and fall of his torso before brushing the wetness off her cheeks with the heel of her hand. She knew he could never be hers but she would always have a part of him.

It was time. Her husband would be home shortly.

* * *

_** Interested? Should I continue?**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you for all your lovely comments and encouragement. It means so much! **_

* * *

**1983**

Cal Lightman sat in the airport terminal, one ankle casually crossed over the opposite knee. From a distance he oozed relaxation but on closer inspection, he was anything but. Wired and tense, the foot waggled with nervous energy as his cigarette slowly burned down to his fingers. He didn't pay attention as his thoughts buzzed restlessly.

England would soon be a memory and although part of him was torn, the other part would be happy to leave the bad memories behind. His family was gone, having been replaced by a group of close knit friends but they were all practically pushing him out from under the gloomy British skies. They knew he was meant for something better. He'd finished his undergrad in record time and was now taking his science (well, that's what he called it, although most people seemed to call it "bollocks") and heading to the states with it. A university there was interested, in fact, very interested. It was a good school too – very prestigious. Of course he figured it was coup for them to snag an Oxford graduate too. It went both ways.

The heat between his fingers caught his attention and he leaned forward to stub the cigarette out. He thought about lighting another one, hesitated, then did it anyway. Taking a long drag, he held the smoke inside for a long moment before gradually letting it escape through his nose. His nervousness slacked just a bit as his eyes fell to his lighter. It had been a gift. Sterling silver with the Greek word "_gnosis_" delicately etched on the front. He thought about the person who had given it to him and pushed the ghost of emotion away. It had been a long time.

The sudden flutter of movement he caught from the edge of his vision had him instinctively raising the burning ember up and away. A half a moment later, a child about two came crashing into his legs.

"Careful mate!" He frowned in bemusement as the little boy kept himself from tipping over by clutching onto Cal's knee.

A sideways grin pointed up at him from beneath floppy blond hair. "Saw-wee!"

He wasn't though. Cal didn't have much experience with kids but he did know all the little ones were adorably packaged sociopaths. And this one had such a mischievous glint in his eye that Cal couldn't help but grin back.

"No worries."

"Oh William! William!" A heavy French accent drifted their direction followed by a large hipped grey haired woman in her mid-fifties.

"_Mon dieu_! There you are! You should not run off! Ta mère est un peu fâchée!" The woman came forward and closed a hand around the boy's upper arm. Cal watched as his expression shifted from 'Hey! How're ya doing?' to 'Oh shit!' in a blink. He smiled at the boy again, feeling a little bad for him.

"I'm so sorry monsieur! I hope he wasn't bothering you!"

"Nah, nah, he's fine. Cute kid."

"Oh, he's a naughty one though!" Her line of sight fell back to the boy. "Ton père will be landing in the big airplane soon. You need to stop bothering this nice young man! We must go."

The boy didn't look very excited at the prospect but seemed to accept his fate with quiet resignation which was pretty impressive for such a tiny little guy. He gave Cal a little wave before accompanying the woman back toward a group of people waiting nearby.

Cal's eyes followed them for a moment before they dropped from his thoughts.

This would be the longest trip he'd ever taken. Up to this point, the only travelling he'd been able to do was taking the ferry to France once and going hiking in Scotland a couple times with his mates. He'd never been to America. The only things he knew were what he'd read and what he'd seen on the telly. Despite his outward bravado, there was still a lot of fear icing his insides. He was just a kid from South London after all.

When his flight was announced, he smashed his cigarette in the ashtray, grabbed the duffle bag which held everything he owned and was on his feet and striding toward the gate.

* * *

Her stomach rolled as sweat peppered her forehead.

When William had run off, her first instinct was to be the one to chase after him until she saw the young blond man. A paralysis had settled into her limbs and she didn't object when Collette had run to catch him instead.

_Dear God. What were the odds?_

When Jackson stepped into her line of sight she felt a mix of disappointment and relief. Her brother-in-law was a big man and easily blocked her past from view.

At least it happened before Ray got off the plane. He would have immediately questioned her reaction.

She had tried to close off that wound in her heart and although she'd come close, she'd never managed to be completely successful. Any progress she'd made over the last few years just got knocked back in about a minute and a half.

_Damn it, but never him._

"Mummy?"

She glanced down to see her son holding his arms out to her. Without pause, she swooped him up and pressed her lips to his cheek. "Little imp! Running off like that!"

The little boy giggled before settling against her.

When Jackson moved aside, she couldn't help herself. She stared past only to find the young blond man now gone. She felt a little tremble in her heart as she kissed her son's soft hair.

* * *

_**A/N – to those of you who speak fluent French, well, I hope I didn't mess up too badly! If I did, please forgive me and I'll try to do better next time. :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**And yet another snapshot for your speculation… ;-)**_

* * *

_**1991**_

"Hey."

Will grunted an acknowledgement but kept his eyes fixed on the toes of his trainers. One foot kept vibrating and watching it was giving him a mild headache but he just didn't want to look at his mother yet. She'd be able to see that he'd been crying.

"Feel like talking?" She sat down on the step next to him, but didn't touch him. They were in the back garden because that's where he always went when he was upset.

A slow shrug was her only answer.

"Your father doesn't mean anything by it you know."

Once again, Will said nothing.

"He just doesn't…um…know how to react to these stunts."

"Not a stunt." He was positive she already knew that. It was common knowledge that Will was just a little too relaxed about pointed out when his instructors were in error. Or anyone for that matter. They often didn't take kindly to it.

She let out a long sigh. "I know luv. Sometimes it's better if you…just keep things to yourself. I really hate to say it but…" She trailed off and shook her head.

"But he was wrong!" He looked up into her face now, eyes earnest.

"I believe you, but your dad thinks you're being disrespectful to your teachers by challenging them."

Will let out a huff, the anger still curling around his insides but frustrated tears hovered as well. He felt so detached from almost everyone. His dad barely knew what to say to him and when he did, it was usually with a raised voice. Other kids avoided him because they thought he was a show off because he was smart. His instructors either loved or hated him. This year was more of a hate thing for the most part. "Not tryin' to be disrespectful. But the tosser was talkin' outta his arse."

"William!" Despite the scolding tone, she bit back a smile as a memory seemed to pull her away for less than a moment.

He often wondered what she was thinking when she drifted like that. It wasn't uncommon. Sometimes he'd ask and she'd respond with a Collette – ism. 'C'est pas tes oignons !' and they'd both start laughing. "Sorry mum."

They were quiet again and he felt her arm move around his shoulders. He allowed himself to sink against her. She was the only person that completely stood with him and although he loved her so much, he was usually careful not to show it in mixed company. He didn't want anyone to think he was a Nancy boy.

"He does love you, you know. He just can't always show it. Old school. Stiff upper lip and the like."

_Old_ was the key word there but Will didn't voice it. His dad was something like 22 years older than his mum. They seemed so dissimilar and he often wondered what brought them together in the first place. Once in a while though, when they didn't see that he was around, he would witness the barest of exchanges. It might be something as simple as mum touching dad's shoulder and he'd look up at her with the warmest of expressions. Or sometimes he'd take her hand and kiss it in a chivalrous kind of way. Will didn't want any kissing but he wished that the old man would look at him with warmth occasionally. Usually the looks he got were ones of puzzlement or exasperation.

"S'pose."

"Just need to learn to curb your tongue sometimes."

Will didn't think he was capable though. If the thought popped into his head he usually came out the mouth at record pace.

"Can you try at least?"

He met her eyes. They were beautiful blue with dark flecks. Dad's were watery brown and his were hazel. He'd asked about it once and mum had just commented about the lottery of genetics. Of course this made him read up on it and after finding out she was right, he'd let it go.

"S'pose."

"Good man." She gave him a side squeeze and kissed the top of his head. "Why don't you go see if you can help Collette out? It's almost time for tea."

"'Kay." He pushed himself to his feet before allowing a sideways grin. "She's just gonna say: 'Tu es impossible!'" He mimicked the old woman's voice perfectly as his mother smiled up at him.

"Careful, she'll hear you!"

"Yeah… been caught sayin' worse though."

"Cheeky thing." She waved him away but didn't immediately follow. Times like this were so bloody hard and they seemed to be happening more and more these days. Ray really _was_ trying, bless him, but his old world sensibilities couldn't wrap themselves around this brilliant, quick-witted boy with the forked tongue. William was a handful and every day she watched him become more so. It wasn't his fault of course. It was in his nature to question and act accordingly, damn the torpedoes. A small part of her was horrified as she watched it all play out but mostly she was proud and captivated.

She brushed away the sudden blurring of tears as memories caught and took hold for several long moments. When she was finally able to push them back down deep within her heart, she got up and followed her son inside.

* * *

_**A/N: I apologize for the short chapters but with all my current craziness, this works out a tiny bit better for me. Hope you understand.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Now that I have everyone perplexed…yet another snapshot… ;)**_

* * *

1980

It had been pouring that day. Not the usual leaky faucet kind of weather that London was known for but a cracking open of the clouds to allow an imminent flood. She'd taken Ray to Heathrow and was on her way home when the tire blew. At least she hadn't been going fast, thank heavens – the rain had taken care of that but she'd still had to limp off the highway and find a place to survey the damage and figure what to do.

Grabbing her umbrella, she wriggled across the seat to climb out the passenger's side and reach the relative safety of the pavement. The rain was so fierce that in the few moments it took her to open the umbrella she was already drenched and shivering.

And the day had started out so lovely too. They'd had a leisurely breakfast together and gone to an early movie so she could see Coal Miner's Daughter. Ray hadn't been interested but he placated her as was his way. Then it was time to take him to the airport. He had business to tend to in America and he'd be gone a fortnight. She wasn't happy when he'd informed her but he assured her there was nothing to be done.

And now this. She felt like crying. Darkness was beginning to edge out the day and she wasn't even really sure where she was. There was no one on the street for obvious reasons but the buildings even looked deserted. A shudder ran through her that had nothing to do with the weather.

Neither direction looked particularly promising but she headed north reasoning that she thought she saw more cross traffic at the next intersection.

Staying close to the building fronts, she walked briskly until she caught a glimpse of the solitary figure ahead. She almost didn't see him as he tried to melt against a boarded up window to avoid the rain. The bus stop was directly opposite him. She could see his collar flipped up against the cold and the burning ember of a cigarette that he managed to keep alit between curled fingers. He took a drag before dropping it and crushing it under his boot heel.

Her heart accelerated as a tiny bit of fear tinged her consciousness. She knew she was being a little irrational but at the same time, couldn't help it. It wasn't like people weren't attacked somewhere in the city every single day. Pausing, she glanced around but there was no one else around. She chastised herself for a moment longer before making a decision. Locking her teeth together, she walked forward.

He turned his head and watched her approach. He was young, no more than 20 or 21. His hair was longish, rain washed to a nondescript color and hanging in his eyes. Despite a few hard edges, the young man's face was handsome.

Looking away and down, she second-guessed the choice as she did it, and began to hurry to pass him, panic blooming.

"Alright darlin'?"

She was so close to ignoring him but something in his voice made her falter and turn as the rain continued to beat down on her umbrella. _Careful. You're asking for trouble._ Instinct immediately told her otherwise as she met his eyes. "Just need to get to a phone. Car problems."

The young man pushed away from the window, unmindful of the torrents of rain running down his face. "Stall out?"

"No. Flat, actually." _Why was she engaging him? Instincts have been known to be wrong._

"If you 'ave a spare in the boot, I might be able to take care of it for you." His eyes remained fixed on hers as he waited for an answer. She watched them shift in color from dark green to brownish. They were a striking hazel and she found herself unable to pull her own away.

"Don't want to be a bother."

"You're not. Missed my bus. Have a while 'til the next." He smirked. "Think I can squeeze in a lady in distress."

It could have been mocking and despite the edge of humor, it didn't go beyond. He wasn't laughing at her just giving out a playful tease. Seemed a little forward though and she wasn't sure if she liked that or not.

Nonetheless, she found herself nodding and the young man grinned. It was the sun coming out from behind the slate gray of the clouds. He had a wonderful smile that transformed his face and softened the hard edges she'd noted before.

Although he waved her before him, she fell in line next to him and positioned the umbrella above them both. Not that it really mattered at this point but it seemed the right thing to do.

It took little time for him to swap out the tires and when she offered him a ten-pound note, he waved it away. "Buy me dinner and we'll call it even."

Her mind drifted back to her conversation with Ray a few weeks back. Actually it was more of an ongoing discussion but as she thought about it, she flushed with shame.

A frown creased the young man's face. "Just dinner luv."

It was as if he'd read her mind and that unnerved her even more. "Um…"

"It's fine. No worries." He swiveled on his boot heels and began to walk back toward the bus stop, head down against the rain.

"No, wait!"

He turned around, brows raised as she stepped toward him. "Let me give you a ride. It's the least I can do."

"Brilliant." The young man smiled again and she felt herself begin to relax.

"What's your name?"

"Cal."

"Very nice to meet you Cal, I'm Nicole." She reached out to him. "And thank you so much."

"No problem." His grasp was firm and she felt a warm tingle deep within as the frigid rain fell around them.

* * *

"So, what's Cal short for? Calvin? Caleb?"

They'd found a warm pub and hot food to stave off the chill. She couldn't bring herself not to feed him after the favor he'd pulled for her. The fact that she was also reluctant to leave his company festered in the back of her mind somewhere but she refused to bring it out and analyze it. It wasn't appropriate. This whole thing was probably a little inappropriate but she couldn't help herself.

He reddened under her gaze. "Caldonius."

Nicole blinked. "Interesting name."

"S'okay. It's total crap. My dad was a real wanker."

The words were bitter but he delivered them with a rueful smile.

"Unfortunately we can't pick our parents."

"True enough."

"Cal's lovely though. I like Cal."

He leaned forward, holding her with his eyes as he'd done in the rain. "Does everyone just call you Nicole? Or do you go by Nic or Nikki?"

The laugh burst from her. "Nikki but not since I was a little one."

His hand had crept across the table and folded itself around hers. She allowed it as her breath hastened. She knew she needed to pull back and stop this. This was such a bad idea but the attraction was already there and she felt at the mercy of it.

"I'd like to see you again Nikki. Don't suppose that's a possibility, yeah?"

"Not sure if it would be for the best." Even as the words left her mouth she felt an ache.

His thumb lightly brushed the back of her hand. "Whatever you decide." His eyes were still fixed on hers and she felt a little like she was drowning. _What was she getting herself into_? This was wrong on so many different levels but once again Ray's words seeped in and wrapped around her heart. But despite what he'd said, she knew it wasn't fair to him. And it definitely wasn't fair to this young man.

But she couldn't look away.

* * *

**_Hope this isn't getting on anyone's nerves. Going a little more non-linear than usual._**


	5. Chapter 5

_**I seem to have confused some readers in recent chapters and I apologize. I'm in the process of bridging a 25+ year gap. Just know Gillian is an integral part of the story as she always is. **_

* * *

**PRESENT**

"You shouldn't have baited him."

"Baited who darlin'?"

Gillian pressed her lips together, irritated but not able to stay that way as he looked up at her with innocent eyes from behind his desk.

"Lieutenant Atkins? You know, the police officer you inferred was on the take?"

"Oh, _him_."

She watched the good humor evaporate as his mood shifted. Cal was up out of his office chair and inches from her. Her hands went up in practiced movement to keep him from getting too close. "Wanna know the truth?"

_Did she?_ As his eyes delved into hers, she wasn't so sure any longer. Truth was something they detected on other people and ignored with one another. But these days it was starting to peek through more and more and she wasn't sure how she felt about it.

Without waiting for an answer, he moved his body a tiny bit forward until her hands were resting against his chest. She could feel the softness of the cotton polo against the hardness of him. "You wanna know the truth?" He repeated, waiting.

His voice had slipped down to a sultry whisper and she found herself unable to breath as her heart accelerated. This was yet another one of _those_ moments that seemed to be happening with more frequency. "Of course."

"Didn't like the way he was eying you."

Gillian felt tendrils of annoyance wrapped around something else as she narrowed her eyes. "Why is it okay for you to have a playmate in the police department and not me?" She goaded, knowing she shouldn't but helpless not to.

His eyes darkened to steel. "Jealous?" He took another half step forward and she backed up the same distance, hands still against his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken beneath them.

Gillian jutted her chin out to combat the warmth inside. "Are you?"

It was the wrong thing to do because she could now feel his breath on her face in response to the challenge. In all the years she'd know him, he'd never backed down from a challenge.

The steel in his eyes began to soften and she was having a hard time looking away, only tearing her eyes briefly away to glance down at his lips. She immediately knew it was a mistake. The question in his features now affirmed it as his mouth moved a millimeter away from hers.

"Yes luv, I am."

His voice held the perfect blend of conviction and yearning and she was temporarily flabbergasted by the moment of true honesty. She removed one hand from his chest to touch his face, feeling stubble under the sensitive skin of her fingertips. The heady scent of his cologne enveloped her and she closed her eyes, lightheaded. Everything about him currently overwhelmed her, leaving her a little confused. She'd always wondered what it would be like to kiss him, to _really_ kiss him, but usually it occurred when she was alone at night riding the tide between wakefulness and sleep. Sometimes she'd jerk into consciousness with heat surging through her and shame right behind it.

One hand reached up and gently sifted through her hair with his fingers, stopping halfway through to stroke her jaw with his thumb.

"No response Gill?" Cal's eyes continued to cut into hers.

Her palm cupped his cheek, feeling all carefully honed inhibitions crumbling.

Less than a millimeter. His breath was vaguely minty.

"Dr. Lightman! You're needed in the—_oh God_…" Torres' tone went from strong and confident to mortified.

Catching her breath, Gillian squirmed away from him. "I need to go Cal." She glanced at her watch. "I have an…uh…personal appointment. We'll talk to a little later." She came close to running out the door but managed not to in her attempt to hold on to her dignity. She hadn't lied. She _did_ have an appointment with her eye doctor…in about two hours. Feeling the blood burning in her face, she ignored Torres who stood by with her mouth agape.

* * *

"Dr. Lightman?"

Cal adopted an intense case of tunnel vision and chose to ignore the tentative voice that threatened to get between him and the exit.

"Dr. Lightman?!"

He was determined to catch up with Gillian. Something significant had happened and he needed to pursue it. They'd been discussing…hell, he couldn't even remember what they were discussing. All he knew was that they weren't arguing. Her face had gone soft as he'd stepped into her space and he could swear that she'd been looking at his lips and then…Torres walked in. Gill had then left quickly, citing some kind of appointment. After giving a look that could freeze lava, he'd tried to catch up and now…this. Bloody Hell.

Only when Heidi stepped into his path did he stop short. Barreling over employees was never something that helped him get into his partner's good graces and he definitely wanted to stay in her good graces. Especially now. "Sorry luv. Didn't hear you. What was that you were sayin'?"

She didn't believe him but he didn't especially care.

"There's someone to see you."

"Who is it?"

"A William Connelly."

"Don't know 'im. Give it to Loker." He tried to dodge around her but she blocked him. This actually impressed him a little but he'd never let her know that.

"He's English." She winced, apparently wishing to will the comment back inside.

Lightman squinted at her. "We're not all bloody well related you know. Except for the royal family maybe."

"He asked for you specifically." Her voice was firm and he frowned.

"They always ask for me. That's why my name is on the door." Cal tried again and successfully managed to avoid her in his quest for the elevator.

"He seems upset and told me to tell you it's in regard to…a…uh…"Heidi glanced down at her memo. "Nicole Connelly. Nikki?"

Cal stopped just shy of hitting the elevator button as his stomach fell into his boots. He slowly faced her. "Sorry. What was that?"

It was Heidi's turn to frown. She wasn't a face reader but she'd worked at the group long enough to pick up a few things. She was startled to see shock all over her employer, from his body language to his facial features. It made her inherently a little wary. "Nicole Connelly."

His gaze was intense and under normal circumstances she'd be trying to hide her discomfort but she had the distinct impression that he wasn't even seeing her. His guard was completely gone as he looked at something tucked somewhere in his mind.

"Dr. Lightman? Are you okay?"

Awareness of her proximity sifted in from around the edges and now she knew he was really looking at her. "Uh…yeah…who was it you said…wanted to see me?"

"I believe he said his name was William Connelly."

"Could you bring him to my office?" Cal had already changed direction and was heading back past the picture gallery.

She blinked at him, puzzled by the change in his demeanor. He seemed …uncertain…and that was something she'd never seen in all the years she'd worked for the Lightman Group. "Of course."

* * *

_**A/N: Hope that little quip about the royal family didn't offend anyone. Just seems like something Cal might say since he'd already called them a drain on the taxpayers at one time. **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Technically on vacation, but have some time to kill while hanging with the in-laws. So what do I do? Write another chapter because I can't help myself. ;-) BTW, there are some M-ish elements in this one. Nothing major but I like to be up front.**_

* * *

**1980**

She knew she shouldn't but as she played with the book of matches in her palm, pushing it around with her fingertips, she remembered his expression when he'd handed it to her.

_"Bit of a cliché, yeah? But it's the only thing I have." His eyes had been hopeful even as his_ _mouth twisted to the side in a disarming grin as he handed her the matchbook. "No pressure though. Well, not much anyway_." With that he'd swiveled and disappeared into the large home which had long ago been separated into small but separate flats. He had a studio on the second floor.

Now his number stared up at her in his masculine scrawl and she couldn't get him out of her mind's eye. It was certainly the wrong thing to do. There was no doubt about it. She started to drop the tiny item onto the top of her bureau before changing her mind and cradling it instead. Ray wouldn't be back for another 12 days. He'd said what he'd said and had meant it. Ray never said anything he didn't mean. But it didn't make it right. She'd made vows after all. Of course that was before they'd realized that Ray couldn't give her what she most wanted.

Nicole sat on the edge of her bed, discovering the phone in her hand. It seemed like an alien device. She hadn't remembered picking it up.

His hair had dried to a brilliant blond in the warm pub and had accentuated the hazel eyes. The grasp of his hand had been powerful despite the fact that he wasn't a large man. Bigger than her though, most certainly. She was a smaller than average woman but she had the right proportions in the right places. Cal had noticed. The young man's eyes had been all over her but when she'd raise an eyebrow in question, he'd just grin. She should have been annoyed but somehow couldn't be. He was an Oxford student, studying psychology, trying to figure out why his mother had done what she'd done. It was surprising that he'd brought it up but he seemed anxious to explain his ambitions and the why behind them. It had broken her heart but she'd nodded and kept the tears inside. He hadn't wanted pity and she wasn't about to insult him by giving it to him.

The phone was warm in one hand, the matchbook beckoning from the other.

It wasn't fair of her but neither was life and in a moment of courage she dialed the number. It rang several times and she almost hung up before his lovely voice filled the other end. "Lightman."

It was odd that he'd answer the phone with his name but then again, he wasn't typical in any way.

"Cal? This is Nicole." She heard the tremor in her voice and was certain he would too.

There was a pause and she detected a slight inhalation. "Hi darlin'. I'd hoped you'd call."

* * *

His kiss was tentative. Despite his outward bravado, he questioned and didn't demand. He wasn't shy in the least but he was respectful and wouldn't assume. Years of watching his father treat his mother like shite had taught him one thing: he refused to be like the old man. Women deserved respect, unless, of course, they proved otherwise. After all, he wasn't a complete idiot.

One of her hands settled on his shoulder while the other cupped the back of his head, fingers threading in his hair. She opened her mouth and allowed him to deepen the kiss. When he began to explore beyond her lips with his tongue, she scraped it with her teeth before sucking on it gently and he felt a bold of electricity straight south. His arm wrapped tightly around her waist, knowing she could feel his desire for her as his other hand continued to cradle the side of her face.

They'd agreed to meet at the cinema before grabbing a drink afterward. He'd initially been reluctant to have her drive him home again but she'd dismissed his misgivings with a wave of her hand and an: "I only just got a car a few years back. Took the train and used the buses for years."

He hadn't expected her to come upstairs with him. He honestly hadn't. Nicole was an amazing, classy, beautiful, gentle, generous woman and he really didn't know why she'd called him back, let alone, gone out, with him. And now she'd climbed the stairs to his dingy home with him and proceeded to kiss him back with all the want and need he felt for her. Cal's head was murky with confusion but all the redness of lust made it secondary.

Flinging his boot backward, he kicked the door shut without allowing his hands to leave the feminine form before him. There was so much he wanted to explore. He wasn't the most experienced, having had only two lovers before but he was eager to please and willing to learn.

Despite the burning throughout his body he broke the kiss to whisper against her ear. "You sure about this?"

Her response was another deep kiss that had him hardening even more before she peppered kisses down the side of his neck.

"Protection luv?" It occurred to him that he didn't have anything and the realization brought disappointment so extreme that he would have lost his erection if he'd been older.

"It's alright Cal." Her voice was husky against his cheek.

"No darlin' it's not." That statement almost killed him as it left his mouth.

"On the pill."

Relief flushed from the top of his head and out through his toes. _Thank God. _ He spun her around and they fell to the bed in a tangle of arms and legs.

* * *

She'd lied and it had slid out honey smooth. The guilt nipped deep within but the feel of him in her arms and the warmth flushing her skin made it seem unimportant. Almost. It was best not to over-analyze. Nicole had made her choice and there was no going back. Not that she wanted to. His exuberance made her tingle everywhere as his lips traced all parts of her body he gradually exposed. He was young but it was apparent he was making a consorted effort to slow things down and please her rather than jumping in with only thoughts of himself. It made him atypical, at least in her experience.

"All right there luv?" His breath and voice mingled against the curve of her collarbone.

"Mmhm." Her eyes slid shut as she gave herself to his touch, the aroma of his aftershave and the accelerated sound of her heartbeat.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Decided to squeeze out another chapter in celebration of finishing one of my school papers. ;)**_

* * *

Cal allowed himself to drop into his office chair before bouncing back to his feet less than a second later and beginning to pace the perimeter of the big room.

_After all these years…_

He'd known she'd been married. After all, he wasn't stupid. Initially he'd allowed himself to be led by his tackle and the inexperience of youth and it had been fun, exciting. He just hadn't counted on it evolving into something more. Something scary but wonderful at the same time. And apparently neither had she and it had scared the hell out of her.

Cal pulled open the pocket door to his study, started to step inside, changed his mind and began his circuitous route once again feeling like tiny bugs had burrowed under his skin as his agitation grew.

_Why now_? He hadn't heard from her since he'd picked up the note she'd left, the carefully written words barely sinking into his hangover sodden brain. He'd read it five times before the meaning clicked. And then he'd proceeded to not leave his apartment for almost two weeks.

Cal swiveled again, his nails cutting half-moons into his palms.

He still remembered what it had said verbatim and it had been what? Close to thirty years? Christ. He'd thought he'd moved on but now here it was jumping up and biting him in the arse. Annoyance, he might expect, but the pain of the memory wasn't something he could have prepared for. It wrapped itself around his insides and easily stole his breath. God Damnit!

* * *

_Cal peeked up at her, hair mostly obscuring his eyes. Flicking it aside with a jerk of his head, a smirk pulled at one corner of his mouth before he disappeared under the blankets._

_Nicole started to giggle and gasp as his fingers found several spots, some ticklish, some intimate as he snaked his way up her body. He paused to plant kisses in his attempt to please, encouraged by all the sounds she made. When he finally arrived at her face, her eyes were moist and he smiled for just a moment before sobering as he held himself up over her, braced on his arms and stared down. She was so incredibly lovely with her raven hair and blue eyes but there was something more now and even as he rolled it around in his head, there was no stepping away from it. She looked up at him, breathing heavily from laughter. Her hand moved up to touch the outline of his face._

"_You know I love you, yeah?" It had happened so bloody fast but he had no doubt to his feelings. She was beautiful, kind, smart and so much more. _

"_And you're drunk."_

"_Uh uh." He shook his head, knowing she was right._

"_Uh huh." She smiled and the other hand cradled the opposite side of his face as she brought him down to her. The kiss was sweet and gentle but Cal's emotional undercurrent quickly took over and he brought that intensity in as the kiss escalated. _

_When he'd awakened the next morning her spot had been empty and cold and the note had been on the bureau:_

_Dearest Cal,_

_This is so difficult for me to say but it's time we both move on. The last few months have been truly wonderful but you know as well as I do that it couldn't last. My husband is waiting for me in much the same way that your future is waiting for you. I would never want to do anything to endanger that. You're such a brilliant person and by remaining in your life I can only drag you down. Please believe me when I say that I love you and always will. You have so much to offer the world and my presence in it can only hinder that. Be well and take care of yourself._

_Love, Nikki_

* * *

"Dr. Lightman?" The voice had him pivoting out of the memory, shaking slightly. Heidi frowned and cast a glance between him and the newcomer and back again. Cal didn't notice, his emotions and anxiety walking a knife's edge and vibrating the whole way. "Yeah?"

"Mr. Connelly for you."

Cal glanced past his secretary and narrowed his eyes to take the other man in. He was in his mid to late 20s, about his height, with neatly clipped dark blond hair and an intense, guarded expression. "Dr. Lightman?" He stepped forward and took Cal's hand in a firm grasp as Heidi gave one more curious glance and slipped back into the hallway.

"Mr. Connelly."

The young man's mouth twisted slightly. "Will's fine."

"Will, then." Cal waved one arm, burying his agitation, feeling nauseas because of it. "Have a seat. What can I do for you?"

The man slowly lowered himself onto the edge of one chair facing the big desk. "To be completely honest, I'm only here on my mother's behalf."

"Nicole's your mum."

Will nodded. "She wanted me to bring you this." He reached into the inner pocket of his coat and pulled out an envelope.

Staring at it, Cal made no move to remove it from the other's possession. The whole situation began to feel ominous and he now regretted his decision to see the young man. "I don't understand."

"Neither do I, to be perfectly honest."

"What is it?"

"Donne know." Will sighed and sat back in his chair as his eyes flicked everywhere in the big room. The envelope began to tap against his right knee. "It was just really important to her that I bring this to you personally."

There was something that wasn't being said and Cal moved closer, tilting his head and scrutinizing the younger man. "What brings you to the states Will?"

_There_. A quick swallow and the pulling down of his brows. Fear. Sadness.

"Somethin' else goin' on, son?" He leaned against his desk, his eyes not leaving the other man's face. A coldness began to manifest itself inside. "Is your mum alright?"

Will was quiet for a long while as Lightman's gaze held. Finally, Cal watched as the young man sagged. "Mum's sick. We came just to see…" His voice cracked slightly as he fought to keep control. "…if anythin' else could be done."

The coldness became frigid as almost thirty years bled away. _Could_. Past tense. "Where is she?"

"In hospice." Will looked up, his eyes filling but not overflowing. "Not far. Baltimore."

"Hospice." Cal repeated it slowly, the word thick on his tongue.

"Yeah. Been here a few months." The young man shrugged, attempting relaxation but failing. "Uh, we received…um…the news last week. That's when she wrote this and begged me to bring it to you."

It took Cal a moment to pull in a breath around the rock inside. "Terminal, yeah?"

Will nodded before looking away. He crossed an ankle over his knee but the foot began to jitter.

He didn't want to touch it but some force inside brought him three steps closer as Cal gently removed the envelope from the young man's grasp. "Did your mum say much about…me?"

"Just that you were an old friend." The foot continued to wiggle. "She'd mentioned you once or twice over the years." Will grinned but it was tight. "Said she knew you _when_. I mean, before you became…" He snapped his wrist and waved his fingers, obviously indicating Cal's success.

"Long time ago."

"So she says."

"Where's your father?" It slid out before Cal could stop it, curiosity getting the best of him as usual.

"Gone. Passed away almost eleven years ago." The tone was dismissive and Cal frowned.

"Sorry."

"S'okay." The young man shifted in his seat before bouncing to his feet. "Look, I've taken up enough of your time. I did what she asked and if you'll excuse me, I do need to get back."

Cal watched as Will opened his mouth to add something before changing his mind and shutting it. "Thank you Dr. Lightman." With that, he quickly strode through the door and was gone.

He stared in the direction of the young man's quick exit before refocusing on the long envelope in his hands. His own name stared back at him in familiar feminine cursive and he closed his eyes, desperately wishing he could remove the last twenty minutes from his life.


	8. Chapter 8

Cal stared at the envelope, his hand trembling. A huge part of him wanted to throw it in the rubbish and let the past stay where it belonged but as much as he willed himself to do it, his body wouldn't obey. Instead, he shoved it in his pocket and grabbed his coat.

"Dr. Lightman, are you alright?"

He ignored the question, unsure of who was even asking it and headed for the stairwell. The idea of putting himself within the confines of the lift right now might lead to self-implosion so he didn't even consider it.

* * *

Gillian sat in her car replaying those few moments in her mind. The intensity in his face. The yearning that he made no attempt to hide. Her own response. The desire to pull him those last few millimeters toward her had been powerful. If Torres hadn't walked in…

She felt warmth rush up to spread across her features as her mind continued to drift. They'd been so close to trampling that carefully tended line and despite the rush of desire, her feelings were mixed. The attraction had always been there to complement their yin and yang relationship but would changing the balance wreck everything? The idea of losing her dear friend made a hollow spot form inside but to not act on their feelings could conceivably rob them of a future together. But what if all this tension continued to build to no fruition and they both imploded because of it? They'd lose everything.

She gripped the steering wheel tightly, her knuckles bloodless.

Of course sitting in the parking garage wasn't any kind of answer. She'd just been shaking so much that her ability to drive seemed dubious at the time.

The vibrating echo of a metallic door slamming had Gillian shooting a pointed look toward the stairwell just in time to see the object of her indecision flying toward his car, his face, even partially obscured by shadows, raw and miserable.

Heart surging, she fumbled for the door release, calling out before he could disappear. "Cal!"

He stopped abruptly and teetered for a moment before righting himself. His expression attempted neutrality and couldn't quite do it, paling instead.

To his credit he didn't run when she approached but his stance held a wariness she usually didn't associate with him. "My God Cal! What's going on?"

He sidestepped when she reached to him. "Gill…I can't…"

"Can't what?" She moved closer until she caught him by the arm, concern overriding her respect for his obvious desire to get away.

Cal shifted from foot to foot, muscles tense under her hand. "Do…this…" Shame flashed across his craggy features but she chose to ignore it, despite her own burgeoning confusion.

"What happened? Is Emily alright?" Her fingers tightened on his forearm as her concern escalated.

He blinked several times before his face softened. "She's fine, luv. I just have…to go…" Cal turned and Gillian allowed her hand to drop, heart still hammering but hurt rearing up.

Stopping, he shifted to face her once more. After the barest of hesitations, one hand found her upper arm, squeezing it gently while he moved forward to brush her cheek in a chaste kiss. "Sorry."

When his lips came in contact the smooth softness of her skin, her scent rose all around him causing him to squeeze his eyes shut, overwhelmed. This was the woman he wanted in every possible way. This was the one he imagined drinking coffee from one of his mugs, in one of his t-shirts the morning after a long night of lovemaking. This was the one he loved with every part of his being. But she didn't know that.

He slowly became aware that she'd worked her hands around the lapels of his coat before her breath was against his ear. "Please let me help. I know that's not something you're generally comfortable with but _please_."

There was nothing she could _do_ but Gillian could _listen_. And she would do just that if asked, but how could he do that to her? How the hell could he talk to the woman he _currently_ loved about the _first_ woman he ever loved?

"What is it Cal? What could have happened in such a short amount of time to elicit this kind of reaction?"

He almost smiled. "Thought we weren't supposed to call one another out on what we see?"

She was quiet for several long moments but he could feel her breathing accelerate. She was _so_ damned close. "What happened in your office Cal?"

Touché. Barriers were dissolving and God how he wanted it but the hollowness in his belly still propelled him toward the other woman. Maybe he was just being ridiculous. After all, Nicole held no threat to Gillian. The situation was just so surreal and all the confusion was threatening to turn his normally sharp mind into a parody of itself. And then there was still the envelope he had to open.

"Donne know if I can be fair to you right now." It slipped out and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

She stepped back but he still felt her holding onto his lapels. "I don't understand Cal. I need you to talk to me." Her eyes flicked between his, expectant.

_Tell her you idiot._

_ She doesn't need to take on this burden._

_ She deserves to know._

_ Why? Why would it affect her one way or another?_

_ Because it's affecting _you_, you bloody fool. She cares deeply and shutting her out will only hurt her._

He was always someone who knew what to do or at least how to fake it but this time he was terrified that making the wrong choice could muck it all up.

Gillian continued to watch and wait, patient beyond anything he could possibly deserve.

With a sigh, he stepped away but caught her hands as they slipped from his coat. They seemed small in his grasp. "Just a ghost from the past stopping in for a visit darlin'."

* * *

_**Sorry for the short chapter but I just finally finished my last paper for the semester. Yah! Anyway, wanted to put out another mini-chapter. Hope you enjoyed. :)**_


	9. Chapter 9

The envelope sat on the coffee table before him while Gillian moved within his kitchen to prepare tea for both of them.

His gaze would shift into the other room to lock on her before flitting away to keep from staring. Invariably, his eyes would land back on the envelope and he'd feel a lump swell somewhere deep within him. The process would then repeat.

Gill approached him, balancing two cups and saucers. She handed him one and then carefully folded herself next to him. As was usually the case, she'd already removed her heels and her feet were now comfortably curled under her. She didn't touch him but was close enough that he could feel the heat of her legs near his own. It distracted him for a moment before his brain would ping pong back to the waiting envelope as if it were the ghost of Christmas yet to come.

"Are you going to open it?" Her voice was soft as she sipped her tea.

Of course he was going to open it. It was inevitable. And he was probably being silly. The envelope was slim – it was just a note after all. He couldn't really imagine what it might say after all these years but it was what it was. Cal took a swallow of his drink, unsurprised to find it exactly to his liking. Gillian knew him very well and he felt a tiny flutter in his chest like he always did. "Gettin' there."

She nodded, took another sip and didn't press.

It was still early afternoon. Cal had a few hours to get his crap together before Emily got home from school. He could only hope he'd be successful. His daughter would give him the third degree and he wasn't sure he could handle that right now. He loved her dearly but she could be very insistent – he liked to blame that particular quality on Zoë.

He'd shared bits and pieces with Gill and she'd been…well…she'd been Gillian. Attentive, kind, understanding, empathetic, all those wonderful things he admired but had a hard time being. For some reason it made him feel worse. He didn't want a shrink, he wanted, hell, he didn't even know what he wanted. Memories were flickering furiously behind his eyes and bringing daggers of pain. Cal didn't understand why this was affecting him so much after all this time. Maybe he'd just never come to terms with her betrayal. And that's how he'd regarded it at the time: a betrayal. Logically he knew that that's not what it was, hindsight crystallizing events, but he'd been young and those emotions were imbedded in the scar tissue from that time. He'd just never realized how deep they'd gone.

The room remained eerily quiet. He could hear the ticking of the mantle clock and the light tinkling sound of porcelain against porcelain as Gillian drank her tea and placed the cup back on the saucer. It seemed incongruous to the explosion inside him waiting to get out. Leaning forward he grabbed the envelope, feeling Gill's eyes on him.

"Really dunno what to expect."

"Do you think she'd consciously try to hurt you after all this time?" The question was presented evenly.

He shook his head. _No, she wouldn't._ At least he didn't _think_ so. Of course, according to her son, Nicole was the one in pain now. _Shit. _The idea of that beautiful woman wasted by illness was almost too much and Cal closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. He was being a bloody coward. She was the sick one and he was acting…like this.

Without waiting any longer, he hooked a finger at the edge and tore the envelope open. The single sheet within was lined pink-tinged stationary folded over once. Pressing his lips together, he opened it as his eyes fell on familiar script that had somehow lost its elegance within the confines of disease.

_My lovely Cal,_

_ I realize I have no right to be contacting you after all these long years. If you choose to ignore this letter, I cannot say I blame you but I do hope that won't be the case._

_ First of all, I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. I'm not embarrassed to say that I've kept an eye out, so to speak, and have watched your career with interest. You've gone so far and to be honest, I wouldn't have expected any less from you. The brilliant boy has indeed turned into a brilliant man. I never doubted that this would be the case. I do believe that you would never have reached your pinnacle if I had held onto you so it was all for the best. I apologize if that sounds dismissive for that is not my intention. Please believe me when I say that my feelings for you were true._

_ I asked William to bring this to you personally to convey the importance of my request. Once again, I can understand if you wish to leave me in the past but my hope is that you'd be willing to see me one last time despite the hurt I caused you. I do not ask this lightly so please take that into consideration as you make your decision._

_ Warmest Regards,_

_ Nikki_

Cal noted contact information at the bottom before rereading the note, his insides heavy but not with indecision.

"Are you alright?" Gillian's voice was gentle and he heard the little tinkle of the teacup again as she set it down before one hand lightly rested on his arm.

"She wants to see me."

Her fingers brushed down before they curled with his. "Are you surprised?"

"Guess not."

Gillian waited, knowing what he was likely to do but feeling anxiety twisted with grief for the horrible situation he'd been thrust into. Everyone had first a first love but most were kept as bittersweet memories. Despite her compassion, Gillian still couldn't help but feel a spark of anger toward this woman whom she'd never met, this unknown quotient that set Cal into an out of character tailspin. She'd never voice it though, determined to use her skills to support and not alienate. That was the last thing he needed. "When are you going?"

He pulled his eyes away from the note to look up at her, a tiny smile playing on his lips but not reaching his eyes. "You know me too well darlin'."

"Occasionally." She squeezed his hand and he returned the slight pressure.

"Probably best get it over with." Cal tilted his head, sadness in his features once more. "Sounds bad, yeah?"

When she didn't answer, he released her hand and cool air moved in to fill the void. She watched him climb to his feet and push the note into his pocket, wishing he wouldn't go, knowing that to be impossible. If the roles were reversed, what would her reaction be? Very much the same she suspected. "Would you like me to come with you?"

"Couldn't ask you to do that."

"You didn't. I'm offering." Her response was matter-of-fact as she unfolded herself from the couch to stand before him. "Of course it's up to you."

His eyes moved around her face with that intense scrutiny she knew so well but there was something new behind it. Something he attempted to mask but couldn't quite. Gratitude. The realization startled her. That one wasn't in his normal repertoire. "Don't need anyone holding my hand." Naturally he played it off.

"No, but it's nice once in a while, don't you think?"

The smile pulled at the corners of his mouth once more before he stepped forward and she found herself within his embrace. Her heart faltered as her breath hitched and she mentally berated herself for the inappropriate response. Even through the inward scolding, her skin temperature rose. This was so out of line but he smelled so good and he gave such wonderful hugs. Her hands found their way to his shoulders to rock with him as his rubbed up and down her back. A moment later, she felt his arms tighten as he pushed his face into her hair, breathing deeply, his lips at her ear.

"Amazin' how much you put up with."

"I'm a very patient person." She could feel his heartbeat in line with hers as they pressed and rocked together.

The chuckle reverberated from his chest. "That you are luv." He nuzzled into her neck, feeling her warm skin beneath his lips, her scent floating up around him. The hug had started in gratitude but in moments his thoughts shifted to the feel of her against him, her soft feminine shape, her breasts pushed against his chest, the fabric of her dress under her hands as they roamed her form. As his breathing accelerated, he could swear that hers did too. The flesh just under her ear was a hair away from his lips and he now that the powerful urge to kiss, lave and nibble. He quickly stepped out of her arms as his body began to react and he tried to breathe normally as he looked everywhere but at her.

"Are you okay Cal?" Her voice sounded low and rushed which enticed his eyes back to her. He was startled to find her face flushed, eyes slightly dark.

_They were on the same bloody page_. Cal almost groaned, partially from desire, partially from frustration. And then there was the guilt. _Shit_. "Could ask you the same, darlin'."

Gillian cleared her throat and he watched as she attempted to gloss over the moment. "I'm fine." She slipped away to locate her shoes and purse.

So damned close but even as the line dissolved, his past was now smacking him in the back of the head. But perhaps visiting Nikki could offer the closure he needed to move on. His future currently seemed entwined with the past and it was up to him to sever the tie. A small part of him wondered if that first relationship affected all that followed, including his marriage.

He grabbed his coat to shrug it on before pulling Gill's off the rack in the entry. With practiced movement he helped her into it, loving the tiny smile of thanks she gave him.


	10. Chapter 10

Cal hated hospitals. It was probably deeply rooted during his formative years because of his mother but somehow this was even worse. Beneath the smell of disinfectant and floral arrangements, another permeated. It was the subtle, yet sickly sweet odor of decay that threatened to envelope and suffocate him. It was a reminder of the grim fact that most of these people would never be going home. He tried mouth breathing but it only made it more pervasive. It was the smell of death and that knowledge made his stomach roll. Swallowing, he tried to quell it but it didn't work.

"Okay Cal?"

Gillian's voice was soft as her fingers gently clasped his arm.

He was debating about running and they both knew it. If he did, however, he knew he'd never forgive himself. "Yeah."

Reception had sent them to the second floor. Their footsteps made no sound on the short, industrial carpet as they followed the directions given them. The walls were adorned with washed-out pastels and watercolors. They were obviously meant to be calm and reflective but Cal found the bleeding of their colors depressing. It appeared as if the very life were oozing out of every subject, naturalistic or otherwise. He was fairly certain it was just indicative of his current state of mind but the feeling persisted.

223. The room was coming up on the left and Cal slowed. Gillian stayed in step with him, saying nothing. After the initial hesitation, he increased his pace.

The door was closed and Cal gave a quick rap with the back of his knuckles, wincing as the noise cracked against the silence.

They heard movement from the other side and a moment later William stepped into the hallway. He offered Cal his hand. "Dr. Lightman."

"Will." Cal grasped the other man's hand for several seconds before releasing.

Gillian ran her eyes over the young man and couldn't stop the low gasp from popping out. Her gaze quickly returned to Cal. Neither one noticed.

"Thanks for coming by. Mum was…hoping you would." Will's voice thickened slightly before he cleared his throat.

Cal nodded before pivoting toward Gillian, who took the cue by stepping forward and also shaking hands. "Gillian Foster."

His grip was firm, hazel eyes intense. "Ms. Foster."

"Mr. Connelly." Even as she repeated the name, she knew it was a half-truth.

"Will's fine." He shifted back toward Cal who had shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his coat and started to rock slightly, eyes distant. They sharpened as the young man once again addressed him. "She's, um, she's medicated but more or less aware. I don't know how you remember but…"

Gillian watched compassion wash over Cal's face as he managed to push his own anxiety to the back burner. A soft warmth pulsed in her heart in response to the gesture but it froze a second later. "S'alright son."

_Son_. She struggled to keep her neutral face as everything quivered inside. Appearances are often deceptive. She, of all people, knew that. It could just be a profound coincidence. She could be wrong.

"Gill? Coming?"

She met Cal inquisitive gaze noting the flicker of fear in his eyes but at this point there was nothing more she could do. Support him, yes, but he needed to face Nicole Connelly on his own. "I'll be right out here Cal."

He stared at her and nodded in understanding. "Right." He then followed Will into the room and the door closed with a gentle click.

* * *

A row of chairs lined the hallway and Gillian slumped into one of them, her mind whirling. _What if? _There's no proof._ Are you kidding? That man is the spitting image of Cal!_ And he doesn't even see it!

Leaning forward, she clasped her hands together and brought them to her lips. If the boy was indeed Cal's son, she feared his reaction. Does Will even know? Gillian's instincts said it was unlikely. She didn't read anything beyond sadness and quiet resolve.

_What the hell had that woman been thinking_? Anger flared but she tamped it back down. It wouldn't do anyone any good if she gave way to everything inside. Someone would have to keep their head because she sure as hell knew Cal wouldn't.

* * *

The blinds were closed against the afternoon sun so Cal stepped in to semi-darkness, blinking while his eyes adjusted. The first thing he then noticed was that it didn't look like a hospital room. A lot of effort had gone into personalizing everything, from the warm tone of the walls to the hard wooden floors. A cushy looking area rug lie next to the bed, presumably to warm cold feet if the patient still had the strength to stand, a velvet clad futon was positioned under the window, complimented by two rich walnut end tables capped with several framed photos. A couple art pieces adorned the perpendicular wall and although Cal didn't know a lot about art, they looked expensive in their simplicity. It looked like a room pulled from someone's home if you ignored the hospital bed and the drapes hung solely to obscure medical equipment. Despite all the hominess, Cal suppressed the urge to gag. The pervading smell outside was twice as bad in here.

"Cal? Is it that hard to look at me?"

He'd been standing at the foot of the bed looking everywhere but at its inhabitant. With some effort, he brought his eyes to the small form propped up against several pillows. "No luv, it's not."

Cal had always been a master at hiding his emotions much to chagrin of everyone else in his life. Only Gillian had the capability to see through the cracks. He used all his skill not to react to the skeletal vision before him. All the beautiful raven locks had been cut away or fallen out, replaced by dull salt and pepper, faint laugh lines had deepened into canyons and all her luscious curves had turned into jutting angles. The woman before him was only in her mid-fifties but disease had ravaged and now presented the illusion of someone at least twenty years older.

Will had deposited himself into the armchair immediately to her right. He was leaning forward, head down, arms resting on his thighs and seemed to be heavily scrutinizing the area rug beneath him.

Cal stepped forward, hesitating only a moment before he carefully settled on the edge of the bed and gazed into Nicole's eyes. "Hi Nikki."


	11. Chapter 11

He tilted his head and looked deeply into her eyes, able to now see the woman he once loved so ardently beyond the shell she'd become.

With a shaking hand, Nicole reached up, delicately touching the hair by his temple before cupping his cheek. Her gaze roamed his face, possibly remembering but she also seemed to be absorbing. "You look good." A smile pulled at her cracked lips. "Very distinguished."

"Bollocks." He whispered, turning his face to softly kiss the inside of her palm to obscure the ache inside.

She narrowed her eyes at him with a tiny headshake. "Pretending to be self-deprecating doesn't work with me. It never has."

"S'pose not." Cal smiled with a tiny curl of his mouth but allowed it to settle more into his eyes than anywhere else.

Will cleared his throat and Cal glanced over, seeing discomfort and a little bit of confusion. He guessed it made sense. If he were in the kid's shoes he'd probably feel the same way.

"Gonna grab some tea mum." Climbing to his feet, Will leaned over to kiss the top of his mother's head before swiveling and disappearing out the door.

The pride and love emblazoned upon Nicole's face temporarily pushed back circumstance as she watched after her son. Her attention then swung back to Cal. "What do you think of my William?"

Honestly he hadn't given the young man all that much thought so he searched for something to fuel her maternal pride. "Seems you've done a good job."

"Did my best. He was a tough one – quite the troublemaker for a time there but straightened out to graduate university. Put his plans on hold when I got sick." Her smile slipped away for a moment before returning. "A lot like his father."

Cal wasn't sure what she expected him to say. He knew nothing about Nicole's husband, other than the fact she'd had one at the time, so he just nodded and shifted the conversation. "Can I ask you somethin'?"

"Anything."

"Your son said you've been in the states a few months, so why contact me now?"

"You were always one to cut to the chase." She pressed her lips together and swallowed. "To be equally blunt, I'm dying Cal and there's not a lot of time."

His mask slipped. He was aware of her illness of course but to hear those concrete words directly from her looped pain around his insides and pulled tightly. Cal looked away, his jaw clenching.

"None of that love. I've come to terms with it…I've…" She lost her words in thick gravel and indicated the pitcher next to the bed with a flutter of her fingers.

Cal jumped up, pouring her a glass of water and steadying her hand as she drank. He returned it to the table and she nodded her thanks.

"What I was going to say is that although I've come to terms with my death, there are some things I haven't come to terms with. To be honest, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of."

"We all have." _And _that_ happened to be an understatement, for him at least._ He sat back down next to her, taking the hand that reached toward him, his composure back.

Nicole observed him for several beats before allowing a sigh. "Think I could tell you a story Cal?"

"Course you can darlin'."

* * *

Gillian glanced toward the movement when Will slipped out of the room, his expression troubled. He stared down at his feet for several moments before looking up and catching her eye.

Curiosity surged but she kept it contained in her professional box as the psychologist in her moved in. "How are you doing?"

He gave her a sideways smile, which seemed only a thin veil to hide his grief. "I've been better."

"I'm sorry."

The shrug brushed her off. "Goin' to grab something to drink. Would you like anythin'?"

"I'm fine thank you."

"Suit yourself." He started to head down the hall when her voice stopped him.

"On second thought, I think I'd kill for a cup of coffee."

"It'll be vending machine luxury, I'm afraid." Will tilted his head, curiosity flitting across his features but he didn't call her out on anything.

"Wouldn't be the first time I've indulged in the fine things."

"Fair enough." He chuckled as they walked, unhurried. "You know him long?"

"We've been partners almost ten years."

"Partners?" No one usually brought up the ambiguity of the statement but he raised a questioning eyebrow.

"We both run the Lightman Group."

"Ah." They turned the corner and found a small alcove holding several vending machines. "You a lie detector too?"

"You could say that. Guess you've done your homework." Gillian made her coffee selection, sure to get cream and a whole lot of sugar.

"Not really. Mum has his books."

"I see."

Will selected tea with lemon, taking a sip before allowing it to cool. He winced but took another tiny sip regardless and turned to look her in the face. "Can I ask a question Ms. Foster?"

It was purely psychological but it already felt like the caffeine was kicking in and she almost sighed in relief. "Sure."

"Do you know anything about my mum and Dr. Lightman?"

"Honestly? Not a whole lot." Her stomach started to cramp as his eyes began to delve into hers with a familiar acuteness. "Just that they were friends years ago." _More than friends…_

"Huh." He pulled his gaze away and began to walk slowly back the way they'd come. "She never mentioned him…at least not directly, except regarding the books of course. Otherwise it was just bits and pieces of 'old friend' talk and then she'd drift off and snap back. Never told me what she was thinkin' though. Not really. Always seemed a little depressed though. Like she'd missed out on somethin'."

"Were you worried that you had something to do with your mom being depressed?"

They approached the bank of chairs outside room 223 as Will appeared to wrestle with an answer. He settled into one, careful not to spill his tea. "Sometimes but at the same time, I knew she loved me."

"What about your father?" Gillian stayed within her professional perimeters determined not to bring her own emotions in. Honestly, she was a little surprised that Will was even talking to her.

Darkness fell over the young man's face with guilt nipping at its heels. "He and I didn't get along all that well. Think it was because he was a lot older – looked at me like I was an alien most of the time."

"It can be difficult when you find you have little in common with a parent."

"That's a word for it." Will snorted before shaking his head. "I'm not bein' exactly fair. He loved me in his own way but we just…I don't know…let's just say mum ran a lot of interference…but at the same time, dad didn't seem to even _try_ despite what my mum would say. I always had the feeling that he honestly didn't knew _what_ to say to me."

"Sometimes parents don't, especially when a child reached puberty."

"It was happening _long_ before that."

She digested that. The man _knew_ that this boy wasn't his. At least that's how it sounded. Her own strong maternal instincts trembled as compassion flared. "Why do you think that was?"

His sandy hair fell forward as he studied the cup in his hand.

A group of people passed, speaking in hushed tones before disappearing into another room a few doors down. Somewhere she could hear the sound of an EKG counting down someone's life and she shuddered, a little cold, but she said nothing. She wondered if he would even answer, half expecting him not to.

When he finally looked up, trace anger had melded with his grief. "You know how when you're a kid and you get pissed off with your parents you sometimes wish they weren't really your parents?"

Gillian nodded.

"You start fantasizing about how your 'true' parents would rescue you and somehow your life would be all sunshine and puppies?"

"I think we all have at one point or another." A rock was starting to form in her belly.

He grunted, finished his tea, crushing the cup in his palm shortly after. "I thought that about my dad."

"Because he didn't understand you?"

"Yes and no. I mean, he _didn't_ understand nor make any attempt to but honestly, I look _nothing at all_ like him."

"Did you ever discuss it with your mother?"

A humorless smile began to stretch his lips. "Discuss what? Ms. Foster, I was born in 1981. My parents married in 1978. What would I discuss with her? Should I _subtly_ ask my dying mother if she shagged some other bloke while married to my father or should I be blatant?"

Gillian inwardly cringed. "Genetics can be a minefield Will."

"So I've read, but seriously, there should be _something_. I mean, when I'd look at photos from that side of the family, I would always check for some tiny indicator that somehow I belonged – coloring, build, nose, cheekbones, _hell_, ears, but I never found a single thing."

She didn't respond immediately as her heart hammered against her ribcage, fear gutting her. This situation was a powder keg and she was terrified of the emotional carnage. It was inevitable at this point. Terrified for Cal, without a doubt, but also terrified for this young man who was on the cusp of finding answers that could tarnish the little time he had left with his mother. She took a deep breath to help quell the inner turmoil and buy another moment as Will waited.

"Playing devil's advocate, if your…suspicions…are correct, would you give your mother the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps she had very good reason for—"

"Lyin' to me all my life?"

"…omitting the truth." Gillian finished. As she said it, she found it very hard to imagine. Probably impossible for Will.

"Guess I'd be a right bastard if I brought it up now, considerin'." He blew a puff of air out his nose and grimaced. "Course if I _am_ right, I am a _bastard_."

She shook her head as compassion flared again. "Sometimes we make impossible choices to protect the ones we love, Will. They may not always be the right ones, but they may be the right ones at the _time_."

His mouth twisted slightly as he slumped down in the chair and said nothing.

Gillian watched him for a moment, feeling dread building within, knowing with little doubt, that the catalyst for all this suspicion and anger was currently behind that door with this young man's mother.


	12. Chapter 12

Her voice faded in and out but Cal sat close enough to listen without straining, her thin hand still clasped in his strong one.

"I was young, attending university and working two jobs to keep things together." Her eyes were fixed on him but she appeared to looking straight through to see another age and time. "I worked at the school bookstore days but several nights a week, I waitressed at a local pub. Ray came in one evening and we just started talking."

Cal nodded, wishing he was almost anywhere else but here. The smell of decay was threatening to choke him but he kept his practiced neutral face and waited. The idea of her husband brought a tiny shard of guilt he hadn't really felt back then. Had he not been capable of it then? Just a lust-filled kid happy to be led around by his tackle? Maybe at the very beginning, but it had changed very quickly. It probably made him a right bastard at the time but he honestly hadn't felt guilt then. He felt resentment instead, knowing that this woman belonged to some other man and he couldn't have her. Now though, with a mature mind, he felt the guilt. Stupid, yes, but it was there regardless.

"He came in twice a week after that and always sat in my section. It took him over a month to work up the nerve to ask me to dinner." Nicole smiled at her memory, a lovely expression marred by tightened skin on an almost fleshless face. Cal let his eyes drop to the pale blue of the comforter, insides tightening once again. "The age difference honestly didn't bother me." She sighed. "Maybe I was _tired_ and just wanted to be taken care of for a change. Does that make me a bad person?"

"No, luv. We all want that sometimes." He knew she'd had it rough. Her parents had died when she was young and she'd been raised by an elderly aunt who'd also passed just after her 19th birthday.

Cal looked back up to find Nicole scrutinizing him. "Jury might still be out on that, Cal."

"Doubt it."

Sadness pulled down her features as her eyes brightened with tears. She swallowed several times in an attempt to hold them back. The hand in his tightened ever so slightly.

"S'okay darlin'." His voice was low, compassion and a kindling of long buried love bringing the urge to cry along with her. "You don't have to do this."

Nicole cleared her throat, her eyes delving into his. "Yes I do."

She seemed to be looking for some kind of understanding, perhaps even forgiveness and it confused him a little. "Nikki, you do realize I understand why you made the choice you did all those years ago?" His sideways grin peeked out. "Let's face it. Why would you choose a destitute blighter like me over the life you'd already established? I mean, he was good to you, yeah?"

Closing her eyes for a moment, she slowly shook her head. "I loved Ray but I also fell in love with you." Tears had begun to silently fall. "It was just different. I'm not even sure how to explain it now."

Keeping one hand within her grasp, Cal used the other to gently wipe away some of her tears. He smiled again, trying to pull her out of her spiral. "Good to know I wasn't just _any_ studly young boy toy to you."

It worked. Her laugh was more of a short bark but she returned his smile. "Cheeky."

"You know it."

She laughed again but it turned into a coughing fit and he quickly grabbed her some more water. "Alright?"

"Yes, thank you." She handed the glass back to him before sobering. Pausing, she appeared to gather herself, gather her thoughts before continuing. "I did love you although I have to admit it was…unexpected."

"Can I ask you somethin'?" He tilted his head to peer into her face again. "If you loved your husband, why did I enter the picture?"

_There_. Her face started to cave with guilt as the tears returned. She pulled in a long raspy breath and did it again as he watched. Nicole was struggling beyond her capabilities but she seemed determined to do it. He knew that anything he said wouldn't thwart her so he did the only thing he could do. He remained patient, finding he currently had an overabundance. It was unusual.

"I don't know how…I mean…oh God, it sounds awful no matter what!" Her voice cracked and she followed it with silence.

They sat for several minutes and he watched as her tears lessened and a look of determination hardened her face. It was an expression he remembered well. It reminded him a little of Gillian. Both very strong, passionate, beautiful women. Her eyes remained fastened beyond him before they finally shifted to catch his. Her guilt was gone but she implored an understanding of what she was about to say. Cal allowed a closed mouth smile he hoped was encouraging.

The eye contact held as she found her words. "Ray was a wonderful man and he knew how much I wanted children but that was the one caveat in our relationship. He'd been ill several years before we met. Testicular Cancer." She swallowed but her voice remained steady. "…and he wasn't capable of fathering any." Her other hand moved up to his face and trailed fingers down Cal's stubbly cheek. It came to rest at the crook of his neck and shoulder.

"I don't under…" He mumbled the half-response even as her expression told him everything.

Ice. Someone must have dropped a ten-pound bag of ice into his stomach. The chill spread through him, his body shuddering, his testicles retracting, his lungs freezing. He couldn't seem to get enough air and the dizziness was swift.

Cal pulled from her grasp, getting up quickly but he couldn't move beyond. His eyes stayed on hers, seeking either confirmation or the punchline but her gaze remained steady.

He gave a half-hearted wave toward the door. The voice that slid out from within the chill was barely recognizable. "Are…you…? Are you sayin' that that boy out there…that young _man_…out there…?"

Nicole said nothing, her face still imploring but no more tears gathered. Maybe she was done with them.

Oxygen still seemed to elude him. It was this place. It had to be. Who can fucking breath in a place where people were sucking in their very last gulps of air? Sweat beaded his brow as he took a step away, ignoring the hand held out to him. "I…I think I've had enough…of memory lane for now…" He took another step back, reaching behind him as he fumbled for the door handle.

Her face went slack, eyes wide as she watched him move away. "Please Cal."

"I'll, um…try to stop by…" He pivoted but her quiet voice beseeched him once again.

"Please."

His hand moved from the handle and he pushed his palms against the door, arms locking, as if seeking to block everything out beyond the room. His head dropped forward as he stared at his boots.

"I'm sorry Cal. I'm so sorry."

The breath he finally managed was loud in his ears. "_Does he know_?"

When she didn't answer, he looked back at her from under one braced arm. "DOES HE _KNOW_?!"

She winced when he raised his voice and he did feel bad but the anger beginning to bubble had crimson red coming up behind his eyes.

Her words were quiet but they seemed very loud in the silent room. "I think he's always suspected."

"But you never felt the need to clear it up for him?"

"I always meant to but as time went by, it became harder and harder…how could I tell him what I did? How could I have my only son hate me?" The words caught in her throat.

"So your husband just signed off on this fucking charade? Or did he think it was some sort of bloody miracle?" His voice was shaking but he was trying so hard to keep it from rising again.

"He knew."

"Christ." Cal shook his head, wishing he could go back in time. Wishing his way back to the moment with Gillian in the office when a new future began to show some promising signs. Now he was in a world of shit, caught in one hell of a lie and cover up that masked the fact that he had a son for almost three decades. _A son_. _A grown son who was currently sitting right outside the fucking door._

"I have to go Nikki. I have to…" a low groan replaced whatever it was he tried to say. He didn't even know what it was now. He pulled back to yank at the handle before stepping into the hall.

* * *

Gillian looked up quickly when the door banged open, her heart stopping and the breath squeezing from her.

Cal was pale beyond his normal fair complexion. He caught her eye for just a moment before swiveling and lurching down the hall. In that one moment she saw so much pain, misery and anger that tears blurred her vision. _Oh God_.

She was on her feet to follow him, worry digging into her bones.

"What do you Americans say?" Will's voice somberly pursued her. "Is the shit hitting the fan?"


	13. Chapter 13

She found him in one of the two Naugahyde chairs across from the elevators. He was leaning forward, elbows on knees, hands fisting in his short hair. His brows were down and scrunched together as he stared at the carpet under his feet.

"Cal?"

There was no response. Either he didn't hear her or her voice was much too soft against all the noise that was obviously going on behind his eyes.

Gillian stepped closer, hesitated just a moment before leaning down and resting her hand on his arm. "Cal?" It would have been ridiculous to ask if he were okay so she didn't even bother.

"Yeah, luv?" His words were so low she could barely hear him. It was a complete about face to the man she knew so well.

"Would you like me to take you home?"

She watched as the muscles in his jaw knotted, relaxed and knotted again. "Think it might be best if I was on my own for a bit." It came out harsh.

His tone stung but she wasn't completely surprised. If the bomb dropped on him was indeed what she suspected, he'd need some time to sort it all out. It wouldn't keep her from worrying about him though. "Alright." She let her hand drop. "Call me if you need anything."

Straightening, she pivoted and stepped toward the elevators. Part of her was tempted to go back and speak with Will but he wasn't really her business. Cal was. Kind of. Feeling helpless, she hit the button for the 1st floor.

"Gillian."

As his tone beseeched, she faced him.

Words seemed to escape him for the moment but his eyes held some semblance of apology. "Thank you…for coming with me."

"Of course."

"She dropped a bomb on me."

Gillian returned to perch on the edge of the chair opposite him and held her breath. "I can see that."

He dropped his gaze back to the carpet, his brows still tightly drawn together. "Maybe I _shouldn't_ be on my own after all."

She let the breath out, surprised by the admission. "Okay."

"Feel so bloody angry but guilty at the same time." Cal looked up and met her eyes.

"Why do you feel guilty?"

_Why did he feel guilty?_ Was it because he lashed out at Nicole despite how sick she is? Was it because he didn't have any kind of place in his son's life all these years? On both counts, he supposed, even if the latter was through no fault of his own. _His son_.

His mind reeled at the association. "You know what she told me?"

Gillian shook her head, bracing herself.

He squinted his eyes as if he suddenly had one hell of a headache. It wouldn't surprise her if that were the case. "That boy in the hallway back there?" He reached up and rubbed his forehead, shifting his gaze away as he did so. "That young _man_ back there? He's mine. As in _my kid_. _My son_."

When she didn't respond, he looked back into her face, tilting his head. "You don't seem surprised."

She didn't say anything for a long moment while his eyes remained fastened to her face.

"Gill?"

A sigh threatened to escape but she swallowed it back. "Cal…he's the image of you."

His eyes stayed on hers for a few seconds more before turning inward and reverting to mirrors.

It felt like sharp pieces of glass were swirling in his gut like a snow globe. Here he was, Cal Lightman, the lie guy, the man who saw everything even when he sometimes wished he didn't. But he didn't see this. And he should have.

He felt pressure on his arm again from Gillian's grasp. She wanted him to know she was there for him and she wasn't going anywhere. Part of him appreciated it, part of him wanted her to go away. At the second thought, more guilt laced through him and he let his head sink lower in his hands. No, he didn't want that. He liked that she wanted to stay by his side. He still wondered why she did it.

The boy's image floated up in his mind's eye. Weirdly enough, the image was murky. He saw dark blond hair but that was about it. Nikki was raven haired, with dark flecks roaming within blue eyes. What color were Will's eyes? If Cal thought hard enough he'd probably remember. Wasn't he normally pretty bloody observant? Not this time. Had it been intentional? Had he suspected the moment the boy had stepped into his office? Had he just chosen _not_ to see for a change? He honestly didn't know. All he knew was the next step was a complete mystery to him. Did Nicole expect _him_ to tell Will? It didn't seem to be his place but she was also terrified at the prospect. She expected the young man would hate her. Cal understood her fear but at the same time, from what he'd seen, he doubted Will could ever hate his mother, no matter what she did. _Christ, what a horrendous situation._

"Gill, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next." His voice sounded strangled, even to him.

Her hand swept down his arm, curling her fingers with his. He took some comfort from the warmth of her skin.

* * *

Will sat perfectly still, staring straight ahead, nails pressing small crescents into his palms. His mind was chaos and he couldn't seem to lock onto any one thought. He'd been aware his mother was hiding something huge for quite a few years but he hadn't expected the whole thing to suddenly blow up. Of course maybe he should have. She had already tied up most of her loose ends as much as the idea made him feel the need the throw up. It was just hard to imagine that the day had come. The anger and betrayal he felt were at war with the anguish at her inevitable passing. And then there was Lightman. He'd burst from the room as if several ghosts were on his heels. The man hadn't left the hospital but he sure as hell looked like he wanted to run for the nearest pub. Even now, through the stillness of the sterile setting, he could hear whispers of his and Ms. Foster's voices' floating his direction. They were indecipherable but he didn't need to hear the words to know that the man had been slammed sideways.

Isn't that how someone would react to the news of a kid they didn't know about?

He'd been sharing his suspicions or perhaps, instincts, with Ms. Foster. There was something about her that allowed easy sharing. At the though of her he was able to unclench his fists ever so slightly.

There was no way for him to know for sure though. Not yet at least. Maybe he should just bite the bullet and ask already but bloody hell, that was one hell of an accusation. But he _had_ to know. He had a _right_ to know. Was his name really Connelly? He swung his head to the right to peer down the hall toward the elevators. He could just make out Lightman leaning forward, head in hands and the back of Foster's shoulder as she reached to touch his arm. Will found his teeth gritting. Was his name Connelly or should it have been…Lightman?

Will pushed to his feet to slip back into his mother's room deciding to use every bit of control he possessed to keep his cool. She needed to know that he loved her no matter what, even if he hated her secrets.

She looked so worn out. Her face was bloodless, flesh drawn tight across her skull, dark circles encompassing her eyes. Her focus was at the far wall, probably not seeing the art displayed. Probably not seeing much of anything beyond what she held in her memories.

As always, the sight of her broke his heart. She'd been so incredibly beautiful and always so strong and it was agonizing to watch her waste away.

"Mum?"

She turned toward him, her head wobbling slightly as if it took too much energy to keep it upright. He saw her fear but she tried to hide it behind a tense smile. "Hello darling."

Will sat on the edge of the chair and took her hand in his. "Dr. Lightman seemed a bit upset."

Once again, he saw her fear. It shone in her eyes and in the weak pressure against his hand. "Yes. I imagine he was." She licked her cracked lips but didn't elaborate.

He weighed his words and tried to slow the rabbit-like beating of his heart. It was so damned hard. Nothing seemed right as the silence stretched between them.

Finally, he swallowed the huge lump in his throat and tentatively threw out his fishing line. He kept his voice as tender as her could, trying to impart how much he loved her but at the same time, how much he needed the truth. "Mum, is there somethin' you want to tell me?"


	14. Chapter 14

Her fear shifted to cold terror and Will left his chair to sit beside her. He carefully shifted toward the head of the bed so he could put an arm around her without causing too much discomfort and felt her lean into the crook of his shoulder.

"I know you're scared mum," he murmured against her hair. It used to smell like lavender but now it reminded him of dust and decay. Despite the fact that they were taking exceptional care of her, everything was breaking down. _She_ was physically breaking down. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust... Will shut his eyes for a moment, stopping any threatening tears before pressing his lips to her brow. "But I want you to know I love you. You've always been a good mum even when I didn't deserve it."

"You've always deserved it." Her voice was cracked and faint.

He continued as if she'd said nothing. "You remember that fight I got into when I was a kid?"

Her breath was warm against him as she weakly laughed. "Which one?"

A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. "The one where you threatened to shove that bloke's testicles up his nose if he ever called me a menace again."

"Oh. _That one_. _His _son was the one who was a menace."

"Are you sure?"

She sighed. "Most of the time."

"How 'bout when I egged the headmaster's Jaguar?"

"Kind of a self-important prat wasn't he?"

Will chuckled. "Yeah, but that's not the point is it?"

There were so many incidents over the years where his mum always had his back. Even when he was guilty (which had often been the case), she'd stick up for him even if she'd let him have it in private later. If it had been up to Ray, he would have been allowed to swing.

"Doesn't matter about the past."

"Sometimes it does." He was afraid she was going to try to dismiss it and he couldn't let her.

She didn't respond and he felt her tense.

"Will you answer my question?"

He thought he felt a slight wetness against his shirt but her weeping was silent.

"We've all made mistakes, mum."

"I know darling but you weren't one of them." There was a catch in her throat and a rattle as she pulled in a shaky breath.

"Good to know," he whispered, pausing only a moment before pushing ahead, careful to keep any accusation out of his voice. "Ray Connelly wasn't my father, was he?"

This time he heard the quiet sob and he softly rubbed his fingers against her shoulder, trying to comfort, also wanting the contact to remind himself how much this lady meant to him despite that glowing coal of anger in his belly. "You know I've suspected for a very long time, yeah?"

He listened to her breathing and waited. It seemed to take a very long time for her to answer but in all probability it was less than a minute.

"Yes, love, I know."

_There._ Such a short sentence, such huge implications. Will took a deep breath, than another, trying to subdue all the feelings of betrayal and concentrate on this moment of clarity. It should have been profound but somehow it wasn't. How much did it really change? Ray Connelly was dead. His mother would soon be dead. He wasn't a child any longer and would soon be back in England to pursue his studies. He didn't need a father any longer. _Did he_? He took another breath.

"It's Dr. Lightman isn't it?" The question seemed absurd in its now obvious nature but he still craved a definitive answer. Maybe it was the lost little boy inside him who once cried out for a father to understand and accept him and instead got one who kept him at arm's length with the constant sting of criticism.

"Yes, Will." The quiet sobs seemed to have dried up leaving her voice weathered once again. "Cal's your father."

"He didn't know."

She slowly shook her head, her hair making a low sandpaper-like sound against his shirt. "Not until today."

"Bloody hell." The oath was soft but heartfelt and she tensed again.

"I'm so sorry, love."

* * *

"You realize he already suspects don't you?"

Cal lifted his head and squinted into Gillian's eyes. "Say again?"

She continued to clasp his fingers tightly with her own, her thumb running over the tiny hairs on the back of his hand. "He mentioned it when you were speaking with his mother."

A smile teased his lips. "Went into shrink mode, yeah?"

"Not exactly but…" Gillian lifted one shoulder in a delicate shrug. "It just seemed like he needed to talk. He suspected most of his life it seems."

The smile slid away from Cal's lips as tight anger replaced it. "He wasn't…_abused_ in any way…?"

She shook her head quickly, intrigued by the spark of protectiveness he was already showing. It shouldn't have been surprising. He was a lion when it came to Emily. "No, I don't think so but I got an impression of complete disconnect between him and the man that helped raise him."

He sighed. "Sometimes doesn't matter if you're related or not, yeah? My old man didn't give a damn…but I was too much like him to even doubt my paternity."

"Not _that_ much like him." Gill was quick to defend him, knowing that John Lightman had been a violent alcoholic and that wasn't Cal. With the exception of inheriting a temper and an inherent moodiness, he wavered away from the sins of the father, finding other ways to vent and never taking his anger out on his family. Except for his clashes with Zoë of course and those never turned physical, at least not physically _violent_.

"Try not to be…it's a struggle sometimes."

"I know."

"You think he has…similar struggles? I mean, Nikki made a comment that he was like me." He sagged a little. "Wouldn't wish that on the kid."

Resting her other hand over the two already entwined, she used her eyes to pin him. "Don't do that Cal. Emily has your spirit and she's a wonderful person. There's no reason to believe that Will is any different."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I can't, but you're going to move beyond this situation. So is Will. With any luck you'll be able to get to know one another and take it day by day." She lowered her voice even more. "I think he's going to need some support when all is said and done and it'll be important just to be there when that happens."

"No pushing though."

She smiled. She couldn't help it. "If you can manage."

Cal brought her hand to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. She tried not to react but warmth flooded her insides. "I appreciate you bein' here, darlin'."

"Where else would I be?"

His smile went sideways. "Screamin' in the other direction would be best but you're too stubborn to see that as a viable option."

She flicked an eyebrow at him, remaining impassive but very conscious of the tickle of his beard growth still against her hand. "Ready to go back in?"

"No, but I s'pose it would be the mature thing to do."

"Probably."

* * *

"You loved him."

She blinked weary eyes at him and he knew she'd be asleep very soon but he was still trying to understand. "Yes. Very much so."

"But you loved Dad…" Will was trying very hard to understand. Some part of him was comforted by the fact that it wasn't just a one-night stand but at the same time...

"It was very different. Ray was…like coming home…warm, solid, secure but Cal was young, handsome, reckless and so damned brilliant I can't even tell you." She managed a tired smile.

"Did you want to leave him? I mean, leave Dad?"

She didn't respond right away but he waited, patient beyond his usual capabilities. "I thought about it."

"But?"

"Darling, Cal had his whole future ahead of him and although I knew he loved me, I just couldn't do that to him. I couldn't drag him down."

"So you just cut him loose."

"Yes." Her voice quivered. "But I managed to keep a wonderful part of him." With surprising strength, she clutched his arm to meet his eyes. "Please don't judge me too harshly!"

Tears were running down her pale face and despite his mixed feelings, tears began to sting his own eyes. Kissing her forehead, Will allowed them to flow. "Don't worry mum. Please don't cry…"

* * *

**_Okay. Lots of angst and emotions going on here but I just wanted to make sure y'all are still enjoying and not (gasp) bored. This is a writer's worst fear (among many others, lol), so I'm just checking._**


	15. Chapter 15

Sobs jolted through the thin frame. "I'm so sorry. There were so many times when I tried to tell you the truth. I just…I just couldn't bear the idea of your disappointment or hate." The words were slurring together as she broke apart at the seams.

Will brushed his hand over her sparse hair, resisted the impulse to recoil in anger. "It's okay mum. I could never hate you." And he meant it. He loved her but he not only resented her keeping the truth from him but also resented the deep obligation he felt to hide his emotions. Despite the war inside, he couldn't let her slip away with the specter of his bitterness following behind.

They both went quiet as he held her, rocking gently, very conscious of how fragile she now was. Despite the pervasive rattle, her breathing softened in sleep. She exhausted easily and all the raw emotions had taken their toll.

He eased from under her hand and pulled the comforter up around her. Her brows were pinched in pain and he longed to see them relax, knowing he wouldn't. Despite a fairly high dosage of medication, it did little to ease her discomfort. They'd offered to increase it but she'd refused, pointing out her desire to hold onto some semblance of lucidity. So with the propensity for the traditional British stiff upper lip she'd absorbed from her husband, she planned her final moments.

"Please forgive me Cal." The murmur was barely there and Will paused to watch and wait but there was nothing more as she slipped further into sleep.

He was torn. Part of him wanted to head to the nearest pub to dull the ache and the other part was terrified she'd take a sudden turn and he wouldn't be there to hold her hand. Will glanced at his watch. Doc would be by in a couple of hours to check in. Not that it changed a bloody thing.

Anger flared once more and this time he wasn't sure where it was even directed. His poor sick mum? That seemed low. Her questionable choices? That was a given. Cal Lightman? Maybe but that really wasn't fair was it? Why did it even matter?

Making his decision, he strode to the door to yank it open and came face to face with Lightman and Foster. The older man's face was oddly blank but there appeared to be some strain in keeping it that way. Foster's expression was all compassion as her beautiful eyes fixed on him. Will wondered about their relationship. They seemed close but not necessarily in an intimate way. It occurred to him he knew next to nothing about these people. He shook his head to clear the muddle inside.

"How is she?" Lightman's eyes roamed his face. _Reading him. That's right. That's what he did. That's what they both did. _ He thought about looking away to block the attempt but decided not to. _Screw it_.

"Sleepin'. She's exhausted."

The man nodded and met his eyes. For the first time, Will really looked to find his own eyes staring back at him. It was a little unnerving.

"Fancy a pint?"

Will frowned, his indecision nipping at him again. Did he really want to go have a drink with this man? Anger simmered and Will did his best to tamp it down, reminding himself that this situation wasn't Lightman's fault. If anything he'd been even more of a pawn. Sighing, he shook his head. "Not sure if I should leave."

Foster reached out and rested a soft hand on his arm. "I can stay with her if you'd like."

Will continued to hesitate and Lightman shrugged. "Just could use one myself. You know what they say about drinkin' alone."

"S'pose I wouldn't want to send you down that dark path." His laugh felt dry and forced.

Foster's hand ran down his arm, squeezed his hand briefly before releasing. Her smile was encouraging and lovely. "I'll call Cal if anything comes up."

"Thank you." Will allowed himself another moment to gaze at her, feeling a little warm.

"Won't be gone long Gill." Lightman's voice was soft as he directed the comment at his partner.

"It's fine."

There seemed to be some kind of unspoken communication going on between them that Will wasn't privy to. How long had she said they'd worked together? Ten years? He supposed in their business, words might take a back burner but it made him a little uncomfortable regardless.

"Thanks luv."

Lightman swiveled and jerked his head toward the elevators, indicating Will should follow.

Pushing his lips together in mild annoyance, he fell into step with the other man.

* * *

Gillian entered the room without a sound, unsurprised by the comfortable décor or odor of decay. She'd spent a year volunteering in a hospice in grad school and although it had left its mark, it hadn't been without its rewards. The very act of sitting and taking the time to listen was often all her patients had wanted. Gillian had stayed strong for them and mourned when alone. It had been a long year.

She lowered herself into the armchair and allowed her gaze to fall upon the sleeping woman. Despite the ravages of illness, Gillian could see hints of Will in her bone structure but they were just glimpses. He was most like Cal.

As before she tried to understand how this woman could hide a child from his father and couldn't come to any reasonable conclusion. She expected there were extenuating circumstances but could any of them truly justify the act? Of course Gillian knew her objectivity was skewed. The memory of Cal's expression brought familiar protective instincts into play and her underlying anger continued to burn, fair or not. She'd just never seen him so thrown. He'd always been one to land on his feet but this whole situation had him flailing for a finger hold.

"Who are you?" The voice was slightly garbled and the woman coughed in a useless attempt to clear it.

Gillian leaned forward, her natural compassion coming through despite the edge of anger. "I'm Gillian. I came here with Cal."

The woman's eyes studied her, remarkably sharp. "I always knew he'd find someone lovely."

"Actually we're business partners." Even as she said it, Gillian inwardly winced.

"Sounds cold." Nicole squinted at her.

"We're also friends."

"Better." Blinking, she moved her gaze around the room. "William?"

"He and Cal slipped out for a few moments."

A smile pulled at the woman's lips and in spite of the taut skin, her expression was soft in wonder. "_Did they_?"

Gillian nodded but said nothing.

"I don't know how much of this…" her hand weakly fluttered like a dying bird. "…Cal has told you. Although since you're here, I expect most if not all."

"Honestly what he's told me has been pretty minimal."

"Still as closed mouthed as ever?"

Gillian smiled in response to the tease in the other woman's voice. "Yes, I suppose he is."

"William's just like him."

"How…aggravating for you."

Nicole laugh turned into a cough and Gillian rose to assist her with water before replacing the pitcher and glass back on the bedside table.

"You're no doubt wondering why I never told them, yes?" The older woman seemed to shrink before Gillian's eyes. Anguish was settling into her face and taking what little strength her nap had replenished.

Gillian returned to her seat but scooted the chair closer to rest her hand on Nicole's. Despite herself, her anger was dissipating. She just longed to understand.

"I regret not telling them, you have to believe me." Cold, bony fingers wrapped around Gillian's. "It's just…as time passed, it got harder and harder…"

"I believe you."

"I'm sorry I kept it from them, I am, but I'm not sorry for what I did." Nicole's eyes met hers as her grip tightened. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to desperately want a child and not be able to have one?"

Gillian's breath left in a whoosh as threatening tears prickled behind her eyes. She refused to allow them any closer. "Actually, I do."

* * *

The pub was directly across the street from the hospital complex. It was a convenient location for off duty medical personnel to drown bad days or celebrate good ones.

Cal and Will found a booth in a corner away from everyone else, ordered two lagers and fell into an uneasy silence.

The server returned with their drinks a few minutes later, giving them both a brilliant smile. "Can I get you anything else?"

"Maybe in a bit, luv." Cal's voice sounded tired, even to himself.

The girl nodded and spun away, ponytail twirling and bobbing.

"Awkward, yeah?" He wanted the boy to talk to him but he didn't want to push, remembering Gillian's warning.

"You could say that." Will took a pull on his bottle.

He felt like he should be apologizing but there was really nothing for him to apologize for. If he'd known of Will's existence, he would have…he would have what? The darkness of that thought flitted in the forefront of his brain. He'd only been a kid himself. What would his honest reaction have been?

Cal picked up his bottle and drank about half before setting it back down in the ring of condensation on the coaster.

His honest reaction would have probably been a huge 'Oh shit!' That's what it would have been. Not that it mattered now. He wasn't nineteen any longer and the boy sitting across from him wasn't a boy but a grown man.

"Do you really want to be here Dr. Lightman?"

Cal looked up quickly at the other man's quiet question but took his time answering. He finished his bottle while Will did the same and the server swept by and replaced them with fresh ones.

"Yeah, I do. Just having some issues wrapping my brain around things."

Will barked out a laugh. "You and me both."

"Alright then." Cal paused before holding his hand out. "Not sure how this works considerin', but I'm Cal Lightman and apparently I'm also your dad. How d'ya do?"

Will glanced down at the offered hand before taking it in his own. "William Connelly."

"Good to meet you Will."

"Same here sir."

Cal was relieved to see the other man's tentative but honest smile. He didn't expect any kind of father and son reunion with fireworks, trumpets and male bonding around a campfire but a fledgling friendship would be nice. At least it would be a beginning.

* * *

_**Don't think this is my strongest chapter but I suppose we'll see how it goes from here. Thanks for hanging in with me everyone!**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**Wanted to take a moment to thank you all for your wonderful reviews, comments and support. :)**_

* * *

Nicole gazed at her steadily, sadness passing through her gaunt features. "I'm sorry."

"It's something I've accepted." Gillian swallowed the lump in her throat as she lied, hoping it wasn't too obvious.

The other woman continued to study her, perhaps seeing the lie, most likely just suspecting. "It wasn't something I could do. I mean, it wasn't something I could_ accept_. I wasn't eligible for adoption and although Ray supported me, the idea of a donor seemed so wrong." A weak but sardonic smile pulled at the fleshless face. "Ironic because what I did was anything but right. I think it was the coldness of it, the creation of life without the beauty and emotion of making love."

Continuing to hold her hand, Gillian's mind flitted to reasons she may have been ineligible. Were they the same in England? Ashamed of her mental intrusion, she yanked her thoughts off that path.

"It started out as a joke. Ray said something about finding myself a young stud." She shook her head slowly. "At least I _thought_ he was joking. A couple weeks later he came back and told me he loved me and wanted me to be happy."

"Sounds like he was very devoted to you." It was hard for Gillian to even imagine that particular scenario. The men in her life, for the most part, had been jealous, if not possessive. Especially Cal. She blinked in surprise when her brain automatically tacked him on. Despite not being a couple, the observation was still true. She shifted in her chair.

"Yes, he was. I couldn't even think to take him seriously." She paused as her breathing became more labored.

Gillian stood, prepared to go for help but Nicole waved her back into her seat, expression determined. "Of course then I met Cal…" Tears shimmered but she blinked them back. "I didn't expect I'd fall in love. I mean, I loved my husband so how could that even be possible? I wouldn't have thought so but somehow it happened. Cal was handsome, charming…to a fault…,reckless and so bloody brilliant."

"And nothing's changed." Gillian laughed in spite of herself. Had he been worse when he was younger? It seemed likely even if tough to imagine.

Nicole's accompanying laughter was more a series of uneven gasps and Gillian's thoughts shifted darkly. _She has even less time than Cal's been led to believe_.

"Can you tell me about him?" She sunk back into her pillow, eyes dipping in exhaustion before refocusing. "You said you were just partners? Friends?"

Nodding, Gillian detected a thread of doubt in the other woman's voice. Very intelligent, very intuitive and despite the devastation of illness, the ghost of beauty shone through. She could see why Cal would have been attracted.

"Did he ever find the right woman?"

Uneasy about discussing him like this, she smiled and squeezed Nicole's hand. "Maybe you should just talk to _Cal_."

"You're very protective of him." Nicole's eyes faded before sharpening again.

"We've been friends a long time." Every single employee at the Lightman Group would have called her out on the classic deflection.

"I understand… but he's very easy to love…even when he's hard to like, don't you think?"

An ache throbbed deep within her heart and she said nothing as her line of sight focused on photos across the room. Mostly William as a child she presumed, plus a couple of a beautiful dark haired woman on the arm of a distinguished older man.

"Do you think you could do me a favor Gillian?"

Her eyes snapped back to the older woman, frowning at the sallow face. _Was it getting worse_ _even in this short amount of time_? "Of course."

"My purse is on the futon. Could you please bring it to me?"

She crossed the room and brought back the bag, gently placing in Nicole's lap.

"Thank you." With slow shaky movements, the woman searched through, pulled out a small leather bound album and offered it to Gillian. "Do you think you could give this to Cal?"

"Don't you want to give it to him yourself?"

"I doubt he'll want to see me again." She pressed her lips together as her face crumpled.

Shaking her head, Gillian felt her compassion flare once more. "I don't think that's true."

"Even so, please. I don't always remember things and I can't forget this."

Hesitating only a moment, she took the album and leaned down to shove it in her purse. "I'll see he gets it."

"Thank you." Nicole's eyes flitted over Gillian's face, looking for something but Gill wasn't sure what. She must have found it when a smile curved her lips again. "It's obvious he means a lot to you."

"He's my best friend."

"So you've said."

Gillian didn't respond, just waited.

"I'm fifty-four years old and by all rights I should have at least another twenty left but it's not in the cards for me."

A chill ran through Gillian but there was nothing she could say. She knew it was time to listen.

"I didn't anticipate getting sick but then again, who does? Despite an awareness of our own mortality, we always think we have plenty of time. The end is some nebulous date way in the future and has no bearing of what's happening right now. It's not true is it though? Life can be cruel. We always think that _other_ people get sick and die. _Other_ people are hurt or killed in accidents or worse. But darling, that's not the case. I have pancreatic cancer. Chemo made me want to die but it sent the disease into remission for about two years. Unfortunately it came back even stronger…and I can't fight any longer."

Gillian reached for Nicole's hand again, warming the chilled flesh.

"I've made lots of mistakes and although what I did was wrong, I can't change it. My regrets are very painful now but useless. All I know is William is everything to me and Cal was responsible for that gift." Her eyes had slipped shut, breathing audible. "_Best to have few regrets to begin with Gillian_."

The words were emphatic even as the woman fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

"I'd like a DNA test Dr. Lightman."

They'd fallen into a silence that wasn't altogether uncomfortable but still had a long way to go. Cal was staring into the depths of his beer, the darkness of the bar wrapping around him, the hoots and hollers from patrons watching the current game thankfully on the other side of the room.

He looked up to find the young man's expression intent, determined. The idea of a paternity test had obviously crossed his mind, despite the resemblance, which should had been obvious from the very beginning. But there was always that fragment of doubt all men felt, which whispered suspiciously about coincidences. He was just surprised Will was the one to bring it up.

"I think…" Cal weighed his words, knowing the very idea of him doing so would impress, if not amuse Gillian. "That's a natural response, yeah? But at the same time I'm not of a mind to be runnin' for the doc's office this second."

Will's stare was unwavering for several moments before he sighed and dropped his eyes to the pint in front of him.

Cal tilted his head to scrutinize the young man before pursuing the question that had immediately slammed into his brain. "Don't take this the wrong way but shouldn't I have been the one to bring that up?"

His fair complexion reddened under Cal's gaze but he said nothing.

Shame soaked into every nook on his face as Cal came to a pained realization. Inscrutable, Will wasn't. "You don't trust her." His observation was soft.

Will flushed even more as his ears turned scarlet. His brows pulled down, face spitting distance from crumpling in anguish. "I don't…know. I love her but…" His eyes bounced up, tormented. "But she knew all the shite I went through growin' up. She knew how dad… um… Ray… regarded me all my life. Even as an adult, there was always this…distance. And yet…she said _nothing_."

His own anger hadn't extinguished but had shifted into more of a profound fatigue. Nikki would be gone soon so how could he in good conscience hold on to a grudge? A huge part of him acknowledged that maybe on some level she'd done the right thing. Nineteen or twenty was much too young to be saddled with the responsibility of raising a child. Of course that didn't excuse the continued silence. "Longer and more intricate the untruth, the harder it is to get out from under it."

"What if there were…others?" The pain in Will's eyes betrayed the difficulty of posing the question.

Despite his empathy, Cal felt white-hot anger ignite. "You need to think hard about that. This is your mum you're talkin' about and she's a bloody good mum from what you've said so I think it would be in your best interest to take her at her word." He leaned forward, jaw flexing. "I, for one, have little doubt that you _are my son_." Stopping, the anger leaked away as surprise rushed in its place. He hadn't expected to say that.

Darkness flickered through the young man's features. "How do you know she's still the woman you once knew?"

_How indeed?_ Cal didn't have a lot of faith in people with the exception of his daughter and Gillian so why was he so sure? He thought back to Nicole's revelation in the hospital room. Despite his emotional upheaval, her expression hadn't been marred by dishonesty. Not even a hint. "Because she wasn't hiding anythin' when she told me the truth. She's not capable of it."

The darkness eased away in lieu of resolve. "You know this for sure?"

When Cal just raised an eyebrow, Will sighed deeply. "I suppose that's a dumb question."

"I'm very bloody good at what I do."

They both startled when Cal's phone split the tension and dimness of the room. Pulling it out of his pocket, icy fear trickled into his bloodstream. She wouldn't be calling without good reason.

"Yeah luv?" His voice sounded a little strangled to his own ears.

"Cal – you and Will need to get back." Gillian's tone was clipped but thick with worry.

Eyes not leaving his son, his response was short. "We're on our way."


	17. Chapter 17

Cal followed Will into the room, trying not to react to the sickly smell he'd cleansed out of his lungs on their short jaunt. Gillian stood at their arrival, reaching out a hand to brush his arm but said nothing.

The figure under the comforter seemed even smaller despite the impossibility of it. Nicole's eyes were closed, breath coming out in gasps and Cal felt his heart clench. _No, no, no. _

"Will." A portly man in his 50's stood at the foot of the bed, turning to offer the young man his hand. Compassion settled in the doctor's ruddy, well-worn face as small gray eyes scanned Will, flitted to Cal, before returning. "Perhaps we could speak outside?"

Nodding, the young man glanced at his mother as the edge of his jaw throbbed in tension. "Of course."

Cal felt Gillian's feather light touch but somehow couldn't look at her, unable to tear his eyes away from the dying woman. He stepped out from under her hand as the other two men left the room, lowering their voices in soft exchange.

Lowering himself delicately onto the edge of the bed, he gently ran his hand down the too thin arm and threaded his fingers through Nicole's. At his touch, her sunken eyelids fluttered open but only enough to show him the tiniest sliver of blue. "Cal."

"Hey darlin'."

"I didn't think you'd be back." Her voice was so breathy and weak he had to lean over to hear her.

"You know me. Always tend to pop off."

"So nothing's changed?"

"Not so much." He smiled down at her even as his heart threatened collapse. "Still an arse. I expect Gill confirmed it."

"She didn't say…anything…to put you in a bad light."

"Yeah?" Cal finally pulled his gaze away to shoot a look over his shoulder only to find Gillian no longer in the room. Bemused, he brought his eyes back to Nikki. "Looks like she ran out on me."

"I don't think she'll go far."

Something in the way she said it had Cal squinting and cocking his head but she didn't elaborate, eyes dipping before opening once more to look up into his face.

"I don't have the right to ask but since time's slipping away, you think you could you do me a favor?"

Cal frowned at her words, opened his mouth to say something encouraging but let the words fizzle on his tongue. There was no one to fool anymore, not even himself. "Course I'll do you a favor."

"Sit closer to me? Tell me about your life?" Hope flickered in her face.

His shifted further up the bed, maneuvering so he could lean against the headboard and rest his arm gently around her shoulders. Expelling more strength than she could possibly have had, she scooted closer and rested her head and hand against his heart.

"Is that better luv?" His voice felt thick but Cal consciously took a moment to blame it on allergies, nothing more.

"Mmhm."

"What would you like to know?"

"Whatever you want to tell me." Her breath was warm against him even as it stayed below a whisper. The heat was comforting but the terrified, primal side of him knew it wouldn't last much longer.

"What did Gill say?"

"Very little."

"Oh."

"She's very protective of you."

A smirk pulled at his lips. Gillian's reticence was what he would have expected. "Yeah, she is. Goes both ways though."

"You've known her a long time?"

An image of the first time he'd seen her at the pentagon popped into his head before morphing into so many different memories, up to and including their recent _almost_ disregard for the line. They'd come so far but were they ready to go further? Guilt wracked through him as he brought his thoughts back to the present. "Yeah, I have."

"Do you love her?"

The question rattled him even as his body tensed.

Nikki gasped out a laugh. "I s'pose you don't need to answer that."

Cal didn't as he shifted his gaze to focus on the far wall with its minimalist art. He listened to her raspy breathing, wondered where Gill went, thought about the conversation currently going on in the hallway out of earshot. _How long did she have?_ _Days? Hours?_ Reading compassion and resolve all over the doctor's face, he expected the latter. "I loved _you_."

Her delicate fingers smoothed his shirt. "I know. You were just a lad though."

"Old for my years."

There was the slightest of movements against his chest as her lips twitched in a smile. "Made you much more interesting."

"Think so?" His answering smile felt weak. He felt weak. He wanted to run from this situation, this smell of death and the helplessness wrapping its icy tendrils around his insides. He wanted to grab hold of her and run as fast as he possibly could to keep her safe.

But this wasn't some kind of folk tale or children's story. There was nowhere he could take her where death wouldn't be able to find her.

Pressing his lips to the top of her head, he answered her previous question. "And yeah, I do love her."

Her sigh was soft against him. "She loves you too Cal."

"I know."

* * *

Gillian slipped through the door to find the doctor gone and William once again slumped in one of the chairs against the wall. He eyed her as she sat next to him, his face seemingly older.

"You know she doesn't want any attempt at resuscitation?"

Unsurprised, she nodded.

"Course it still all boils down to me. I give the green light and they do what they can to buy a few more hours or days." He ran his fingers through his hair so it stood up in uneven stalks just like Cal's. "But how fair is that? I mean, considerin' everythin', considerin' how pissed off I was…am…I still don't want to let go. Don't you think that's a bit selfish?"

"It's very hard to say goodbye." Her reply was neutral as she remembered one elderly man during that year of work in hospice care, who had begged to die with dignity. He hadn't wanted any measures taken to draw it out but, unfortunately, his children saw it differently and he was subjected to tubes, lines, wires and everything else intended to push off the inevitable by mere days. When he did pass on, it was in frustration, anger and mental anguish. Gillian hadn't left her house for two days after that incident, the injustice of it playing through her mind in a persistent loop.

"What's better for the family? A sudden death no one sees coming? Or a meandering one, which gives opportunity to say all those right things but somehow you don't anyway? You always _think_ there's more time even when you _know_ there isn't." He swung his head toward her. "Does that make sense?"

"It does. We try to prepare ourselves but we never really can."

He grunted and went silent, the muscles in his face twitching and relaxing as thoughts rolled around.

"Dr. Lightman seems a good enough bloke."

Mildly startled at his abrupt turn, she smiled. "He's an original."

She gazed out the window opposite them, seeing only buildings against a vivid blue sky but she could feel his eyes on her.

"Sounds like I have a lot to learn."

A snicker popped out before she could stop it and guilt chased right behind. She loved Cal but he wasn't always the most loveable.

…_he's very easy to love, even when he's hard to like, don't you think?_

Nicole was an amazingly perceptive woman and the memory of their exchange had her sobering. "I think you both have a lot to learn."

"You're a true diplomat, yeah?"

"When I need to be." She returned the searching look he was giving her.

"There must be more to you than just the face readin' thing."

"I'm a psychologist."

Will leaned to the side and tilted his head, his voice soft. "Uh huh. Well, that explains a lot."

"I suppose it does."

_Why did he feel misled?_ She seemed so warm and kind but then again, wasn't that her job? But wouldn't she have to have those natural tendencies to some degree? After all, she wasn't an actress or anything. Course, the face reading ability could conceivably go both ways. Because they knew what to look for, did they know how to hide those things themselves?

Will shook himself off as his eyes drifted from Foster to the door beyond her. He'd digressed to the point of forgetting, even if it was just for a moment. Remorse settled in once more and his body became heavy with it. Pushing up, he waved his hand in unnecessary explanation. "Best be goin' back in."

Gillian observed his disappearance behind the door he dreaded so much, wondering if he planned on letting go or holding on. She prayed it would be the former. They both desperately needed and deserved closure and peace and she could only hope Will was strong enough to see that.


	18. Chapter 18

The door closed softly behind him but he didn't step any further into the room.

Lightman was stretched out on the bed, his ankles crossed and she was curled into his side, her hand fluttering every so often against his chest. They spoke in low murmurs and Will couldn't decipher anything but the occasional stray word. Nothing he heard gave him any indication to their conversation but what he was able to soak in with his eyes told him so much more. He wasn't sure about this whole face reading thing but what he saw brought such guilt and shame he could barely breath. Will couldn't remember when he'd last seen his mother's face so relaxed and peaceful. He watched as she weakly shifted her head to look up at Lightman and there was nothing but pure adoration. Any doubts to his paternity bled away. She really had loved him, perhaps still did. He hadn't just been one fling in a line up. Face burning, he swiveled to leave, uncomfortable at invading such an intimate moment, feeling like he'd just walked in on his parents. A dry laugh almost burst from his throat. _He _had_ just walked in on his parents._

"Darling?"

There was no strength behind it but it knifed through the quiet and commanded his attention. "Sorry mum, I could come back in a few."

"Nonsense."

He faced them to find his mother holding out a shaking hand. "Please luv, come sit next to me."

On numb legs he crossed to the opposite side of the bed and perched on the edge, breath eluding him once again. Her icy fingers trailed across his hand. _Had they been that cold before?_ He wasn't sure but he wrapped both hands around hers in an attempt to warm them. Looking over her head, he caught Lightman's eyes. Deep sadness and regret stared back at him or was it a reflection of his own turmoil?

"I'm sorry about everything." The plea was insistent. "If I could go back and change it, I would. Please believe me."

"I know mum." He accepted what she said now. It didn't change anything but at the same time it didn't really matter anymore. She was fading quickly now. Dr. Hayes didn't expect her to live another day. It was all so surreal. Details normally muted were much more vivid. The texture of the crevices on the back of her hand contrasting with the soft palm. The waning sunlight pushing through the crack of the hastily drawn drapes. Medical equipment now out of hiding, cold and unfeeling, waiting for his final say. It was the clarity of a nightmare following you into awareness as your lungs rasp and the heart panics. Despite the irrational childishness of it, a small part of him still hoped he'd wake up in his flat to the slow awareness of normalcy but that hope was flickering and dying. His mum, one of his best friends despite everything, would soon be extinguished from his life. She'd wanted grandchildren and he'd jokingly teased that no half decent woman would put up with him, which would always earn him a smack on the arm and the rolling of her eyes. When he did eventually have kids he wondered if he'd see her in them, blending with bright eyes and happy smiles. He hoped so.

She pulled his hand up to press her dry lips against it. "I hope the two of you will move on. I hope it's not too late to learn to be father and son but if it is, I hope you can be friends at least." A smile stretched her mouth. "Try not to kill one another."

Will frowned and Lightman just raised his eyebrows.

"Cal?"

"Yeah luv?"

"Just remember he's a more perfect version of you." Her words were now so soft that both men strained to hear.

"Oi!"

Her low chuckle merged with gasps, which strengthened as she fought to catch her breath.

"Mum?" Will scrambled to his feet to reach for the call button as she shook her head.

Words didn't come as she continued to gasp.

"Luv, let's get you some help." Cal gently inched off the bed but her hand shot out and bunched in the front of his shirt. The grasp was surprisingly strong, desperate. "They can get the oxygen goin'. Make it easier for you to breathe."

Her eyes were wide as she stared at him, still shaking her head, still holding tightly.

"Darlin' please." All his organs seemed to seize as her lips took on a bluish tinge. He looked up at Will, who stood motionless, undecided. "Push the call button."

He received a blank stare.

_"Push the call button!"_

Snapping out of his momentary haze, the younger man reached over even as Nicole continued to shake her head, eyes wide and pleading.

"Look, luv, I understand, I do." Cal wrapped her in a gentle hug, knowing her decision but holding it at arm's length. "But they could give you somethin' to make you more comfortable. _Please_."

* * *

Gillian sipped her cooling coffee and gazed out the window as the lowering sun bounced off glass and alternately lengthened shadows.

_Best to have few regrets to begin with Gillian_.

It wasn't anything new. How many feel good affirmations and mantras reminded us to enjoy our lives? Most were cheesy and trite but the sentiment wasn't off the mark. It just seemed odd that she was being reminded of the sanctity of life by a woman from Cal's past, a woman with which he'd unknowingly had a child.

And that was something _she_ could never give him.

Blinking at the sudden turn, she quickly pushed the thought into that little box in the corner of her brain dedicated to untouchables.

It was probably time for her to return to the office. There wasn't a whole lot more she could do here and if she wanted to be completely honest with herself, she was starting to feel a little like an interloper. Swinging her purse over her shoulder, she rose to her feet just as the nurse hurriedly came around the corner and disappeared into the room. Her expression was grim and Gillian's heart gave a sudden lurch.

After only a moment of indecision, she shirked off her impending discomfort and followed behind, careful to stay out of everyone's way.

Cal was lying on the bed attempting to remove Nicole's hands from the front of his shirt but the woman tenaciously held on.

"C'mon darlin', let her do her job." He sounded as if attempting to soothe a panicked child after a nightmare while Will lingered nearby, indecision and fear etched into his face, aging him in the low light.

"Promised…" The words squeezed out from between violent gasps and Gillian felt tears prickle at the edge of her vision.

"Mrs. Connelly, I'm just going to make you a little more comfortable, that's all." The nurse leaned over, speaking concisely but not without compassion. "Some oxygen and your overdue pain medication. Nothing else. I promise."

The woman didn't respond and the nurse shot a questioning look at Will. After a moment, he slowly nodded his consent.

Nicole's fingers had relaxed their hold in Cal's shirt as she stopped fighting. It was hard to tell whether she was giving up or just on the verge of passing out. The nurse was allowed to insert the two tiny prongs of the oxygen tube into her nostrils and inject medication. Even from her vantage point, Gillian could see the dosage was quite high. Nicole must be in agony, concealed for the sake of her son and to a lesser extent, Cal. A new admiration merging with melancholy rushed through her. This was a woman used to sacrifice.

"Let me know if anything changes. Otherwise Dr. Hayes should be by later this evening." The comment was directed at Will, who once again, nodded, but said nothing.

The nurse swept past and Gillian took a step to follow her. _She really shouldn't_ _be here_. She was looking in from the outside at someone else's family and felt a profound sense of intrusion. There were so many emotions swirling over Cal's face that she couldn't even keep track but she was fairly certain none of them concerned her.

Taking another step, she reached for the door knob as Cal's eyes found and locked on hers. Despite the fact he was holding another woman to him, his expression shifted and in that moment, Gillian's sense of intrusion shrunk into nonexistence. _Please don't go. I need you._


	19. Chapter 19

The room had been overtaken by shadows when Gillian rose to click on the small lamp next to the bed. Amber light barely made a dent in the darkness but it did bring a trace amount of warmth to the shared silence. Cal's mouth twisted in a small smile, his eyes filled with gratitude. She'd chosen to stay and although little was spoken, he'd dropped his honed neutrality in favor of honestly. His expression, body language and eyes wove together in thanks. Gillian brushed his cheek with her fingers as she slid by and returned to the armchair.

Will had taken up residence on the futon under the window. He was sprawled across the piece of furniture, one foot on the floor and the other propped on the end. It appeared as if he'd fallen asleep but the shine of his eyes betrayed his awareness. His focus rarely left the hospital bed and his countenance screamed exhaustion, emotional and otherwise.

Nicole's mucous filled rasping was the only sound breaking through the quiet of the room. The oxygen helped but only minutely, taking the edge off but not able to hold dominion over a dying life. She'd been in and out of consciousness since the nurse's visit, whimpering when Cal left for a few moments to check in with Emily, sighing when he returned but no more words slipped past her lips.

Gillian wondered what he'd told his daughter. She figured he'd stretch the truth at the very least, blatantly lie at worst. He was fiercely protective of Emily and she expected he would tread carefully when it came to bringing William into her life. Her eyes flicked to the young man on the opposite side of the room and she had to admit to herself she was worried about him. He was holding everything in so tightly. It seemed an odd emotion for her, considering she barely knew him but the preceding day had fused them all together, proving time was relative.

By midnight, Nicole's breaths had become more erratic. Cal closed his eyes, pressing the lids with his fingers and seeing explosive white dots before moving his hand away. His breath began to hitch in rhythm with long pauses of hers and pulled in air when she did. The logical part of his brain was flooding with compassion and acceptance of inevitability, while the part steeped in denial told death to fuck off. It was stupid but he figured it was to be expected. Despite everything, he didn't want her to go. He held her limp form a little tighter and brushed his lips across her brow.

Cal attempted to speak but the word got caught somewhere in the delivery. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Will." He knew he didn't have to say anything else.

A low moan escaped the young man before he found strength to cut it off. He said nothing but pushed to his feet to approach the bed and sat on the edge once more. Reaching out, he enveloped one of his mother's hands in his own, his thumb stroking across her flesh. He met Cal's eyes, held them only for a moment before dropping his gaze to his mother's face. Bringing the cold hand up to his lips, he kissed it gently. "I love you mum."

Her damp breath faltered several times more but movement against Cal's chest had him casting his eyes downward. Her lips moved up ever so slightly in a gentle smile before she pulled in another breath, released it and was still.

Will held onto her hand, his brows crinkling as he watched her face. "Mum?"

It was a failed attempt at hope and no one would ever call him on it.

He pressed his lips against the back of her hand once more before tenderly placing it atop the comforter. Without another word he got up and left, not looking back.

Gillian couldn't move, nor breathe, as tears pushed from the corners of her eyes and found several paths down her cheeks. The young man's face had been pale, his eyes overly bright but not running. A younger version of Cal would want to be alone and she understood that. The mature one had a face heavily lined with misery as he fixed his vision on some spot beyond them all.

The silence was now complete and she was loath to break it, just waiting for a sign from him he was ready.

He continued to stare at the far wall for several more long minutes before his gaze shifted back to the woman in his arms.

"When you're a kid, adults always say death looks peaceful, like they're sleeping or somethin'. Complete bollocks isn't it?" Cal brushed through Nicole's short graying dark hair with his fingertips. "Looks like someone flipped off the light switch or turned off the sun. Nothing peaceful about it. Just done and over with." His eyes finally rose to meet hers. The vulnerability she saw had her tears flowing faster. "She's gone Gill."

Gillian concentrated on getting a few shaky words out from around her own thick emotions. "I know. I'm sorry, Cal."

He grunted and ran a gentle hand down Nicole's cheekbone, once exquisite, now hollowed. "S'pose I should tell 'em. Doubt Will did."

Without hesitation, she rose on trembling legs and approached the bed. Resting one hand on Cal's shoulder and squeezing gently, she reached past him to push the call button.

* * *

_**Sorry for the short chapter but this was a rough one**_.

_**Wanted to take a moment to thank you all for your comments, reviews and encouragement. Despite myself I was getting emotional writing this and can only hope I handled it with the dignity it deserves. **_


	20. Chapter 20

Gillian guided her car toward the Lightman residence before making a last minute executive decision and jumping off the freeway a few exits early. If Cal noticed, he made no mention.

He hadn't said a word since leaving the hospice, caught up somewhere inside himself. His eyes remained in front, staring out at the darkness beyond the windshield even as his fingers dug into the fabric of his jeans at the knees.

Emily would, understandably, assault him with questions with the same tenaciousness she inherited from both parents and Gill expected maybe he'd need a little time to get his head together first.

Without conferring with Cal, she pulled out her phone and gave Em a quick call. The girl answered on the first ring.

"Gillian?"

"Yeah, honey, it's me."

"Is my dad okay? He sounded weird earlier…I mean, weirder than _normal._" Panic rushed her words and Gillian felt a thread of guilt.

"He's fine. It's just been a…trying evening. I thought it would be better if he stayed in my guest room tonight."

There was a long pause as Emily digested that tidbit of information.

"_Really_?" Her tone still held worry but it now merged with innuendo and Gillian tried not to sigh. She decided it was best not to comment.

"Are _you_ going to be okay?"

"Sure. Just tell dad I have a few guy friends over. He'll completely forget about his crappy night, trust me."

"I'll keep that in mind." Gillian responded dryly but smiled in spite of herself. "Feel free to give me a call if anything comes up."

"Thanks Gill." The girl pause and her voice sobered. "Tell him I love him, okay?"

"You got it. Goodnight honey."

"Night."

Cal hadn't seemed to notice the exchange even as she tossed her phone back in her purse.

Gill shot a look at him but there was still nothing in his face to give her any indication where he currently was. The grieving process usually followed a set pattern but then again Cal was never one to be predictable. He may just be all over the board.

Several minutes later, she pulled into the driveway, cut the engine and released her seat belt.

He didn't move.

"Cal?"

Nothing.

Brushing his shoulder with one hand, she could feel all the tension bunching and popping beneath her fingers. "Hey." Her voice was gentle but he jumped as if shocked, looking at her, eyes wide without recognition before he recovered and squinted toward her house.

"Make a wrong turn did you?"

"Thought I'd buy you a little time."

He stared at her for a moment longer before slowly nodding. "Not sure how I'm goin' to go about things on the Em front." Pushing his fingers through his hair, he squeezed his eyes shut. "Hell, _what_ am I gonna tell Zoë?"

"You don't need to make any decisions tonight." Gillian climbed out and he took the cue to follow her up the path and into her home. Cal stood awkwardly, fidgeting, while she turned on lights, kicked off her shoes and slid into the kitchen. "Tea?"

He continued to stand in the entry, shuffling his heels against the wood floor and said nothing.

_Something stronger seemed to be the unspoken preference_. It didn't matter. She had no intention of letting him go anywhere tonight. Gillian reached up into the upper cabinet, grabbed an open bottle of bourbon, set it on the counter, along with two glasses and turned to find him less than six inches away. She gasped at his stealth appearance and her heart leaped from the gate.

Cal tilted his head, eyes simmering into hers as he stepped forward, hands sliding to her waist.

Gillian couldn't breathe as confusion rushed at and over her. _What the hell was he doing? _She couldn't deny the warmth in her blood at his approach but everything about this was wrong and what was worse, she couldn't read him, couldn't get any kind of grasp of what was going on inside his head.

He leaned toward her and she was caught between moving forward to meet him and pushing him away. "Cal…" The word came out in an unintentionally sultry whisper.

His breath was warm on her face, igniting a rash of gooseflesh across her entire body and a shudder followed.

When emotions tamped out logic, she allowed her eyes to shut in anticipation but the kiss didn't come. Very gently he leaned his forehead against hers. "Thank you for bein' there Gill. I can't even imagine how uncomfortable it must have been."

With reverence, he pulled her against him, his arms snaking up and around her. She let out a sigh but wasn't sure if it was one of relief or disappointment. Regardless, the moment felt right. Her hands caressed his back before bunching in the fabric of his shirt and clutching him a little tighter.

_Best to have few regrets to begin with Gillian_.

Putting his needs above her wants, she disentangled from him, grabbed the bottle and motioned with her head to follow. Cal grabbed the glasses and headed to the living room.

"Any idea where William may have gone?" Gillian leaned forward to pour a couple of fingers, hesitated, and poured a little more.

"Dunno. Pub maybe or back to his hotel." He sank back into the cushions and studied his drink. "Expect I'll ring 'im tomorrow."

"And you'll step carefully."

His brows went up as his mouth twisted in a smirk. The amusement didn't quite reach his eyes, as deep sadness lingered. "Of course. Mr. Sensitive. That's me." He dropped the act and took a sip of bourbon before downing it.

Her own drink stayed cradled in one hand, untouched, while the fingers of her other hand stroked down his jaw. "I really am sorry Cal."

He shrugged. "Shit happens, yeah?"

_Oh no. He can't do this. Not now and not anymore_. Anger prickled inside and she clenched her teeth as her eyes narrowed. "Don't…play this…off. You and I both know how important she was to you and speaking like that dishonors her memory and it also dishonors your _son_."

Fury spiked in his eyes as he glared at her but just as quickly, it ebbed away and he sagged. Without a word he reached for a refill, gulped it, winced and poured again.

He'd be plastered in no time at this rate but Gillian said nothing in reprimand.

"Havin' a hard time wrapping my head around all this. You realize Will just came to the group _yesterday_? Christ. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours." He rubbed his fingers over his eyes and she noticed his other hand shaking slightly as amber liquid sloshed around in the glass. A new realization hit. "I need to call Em. She's gonna chew out my arse." He began to reach into his pocket but she rested one hand on his.

"I already talked to her Cal. She doesn't expect you home just yet." She didn't tack on the 'tonight' part but it went without saying.

He blinked at her. "When did you talk to her?"

"On the way here."

"Bloody hell. Must be more out of it than I thought."

"No more than usual." She attempted a tease.

"Mean." His smirk felt strained. It had been so damned hard in the kitchen. It had taken everything he had not to crush her to him and kiss every spot of her porcelain skin. But not as he sat next to her, the inclination was even worse. It was so bloody inappropriate. He 'd held Nikki as she died tonight and all he wanted now was to make love to Gill. _Maybe it was the booze_. Probably.

_Or was it?_ A tornado of confusion, guilt, love and lust whirled around inside him. And he'd just been angry, hadn't he? Ah, hell. Leaning forward, he poured another shot, aware of Gillian's eyes on him. Always compassionate. Always understanding, okay, well, at least most of the time, even when she shouldn't be. He tossed the drink back, feeling the burn and deciding to leave the glass on the table. Things were becoming blurry around the edges as all inhibitions bled away.

Nikki was gone. But then she'd been out of his life for over twenty-five years. And Gill was here and had been for almost a decade. What about the moment in the office? And all those other moments? There had been softness and want and the slow erosion of barriers. _Why was wanting her now so bad?_

She smiled softly at him and patted his thigh. His eyes dropped as she casually went from patting to rubbing the fabric of his jeans. It was innocent, completely meant to comfort but her flesh still felt hot.

Nikki had given him a son. _A son_. She'd sprung it on him and proceeded to die on him. She'd been so beautiful but also such a lovely, giving soul. He'd loved her so damned much before she'd stolen a big part of him and sent him packing.

Cal crunched forward and dropped his head into his hands.

Gillian moved her touch from his leg to his back, moving in slow circles, fingers light. Part of him wanted to tell her not to touch him. He was feeling too vulnerable, too unbalanced, too tempted by her but the words didn't come.

He rubbed his face briskly and reached for the bottle again. There wasn't much left. When had _that_ happened? He poured out the remaining and gulped it, surprised when Gillian didn't say anything. Of course she wasn't his keeper, just pretended to be most of the time. _But not tonight_. She'd brought him home expecting this, no doubt. _Was he that predictable_? Shit happens and he gets drunk. Disgust curled inside. _What a pathetic excuse for a man._

"Stop it Cal."

He looked up at her quickly as his head wobbled and vision shimmered.

"None of this is your fault. You didn't ask for any of this." Gillian's voice was firm and that little light in her eyes reiterated her words. Her hand shot out, soft palm against his cheek, fingers delving into his hair. "This would be too much for _anyone_. Even Cal Lightman's not immune."

God, she was beautiful. Her makeup had faded, allowing her true peaches and cream complexion to shine through, not to mention the adorable freckles sprinkled across her cheeks. But she was just as beautiful inside. A perfect soul.

Inhibitions gone and moving quickly, he caught her arm and brought her close enough to press his mouth against hers.


	21. Chapter 21

She looked up and past the persistent customer in front of her when he walked in. She recognized him immediately, which was quite a feat in her business. Sure, she knew the regulars but most others blended together. Not him though. He'd come in with the older British guy but now appeared to be alone. She stopped breathing for a moment and her loins did that weird squeeze, twitch thing. He was really _hot_. She watched as he took the same booth from before.

"Hey! Are you listening to me?" Rancid breath merged with a firm grip on her arm to remind her of the customer sitting before her.

"Sure Paul." The guy was a regular but he'd lost one too many patients on the ward today and was moving from tolerable to obnoxious. "But I have a job to do as well. You know how it goes."

With obvious reluctance, the man loosened his grip but wasn't happy about it. "Course."

She slipped out from behind the bar to approach the booth on the far side. "Hey ya!"

The man looked up, smirking but it seemed half-hearted. "Hello. Again."

_He recognized her_. Most of the time they didn't. A little flutter vibrated through her chest. "Rough day?"

"Could say that." His eyes were intense and she had the unnerving feeling he was trying to stare into her soul…or out the back of her head. He leaned forward, eyes unwavering. "What's your name darlin'?"

_Breathe stupid_. "Faith."

"Faith." He repeated and she loved the way he said it. His accent had her close to dropping her panties. "Think you could grab me a scotch? Neat."

"Huh? Oh." She felt her face burn. "Absolutely." Twirling, she sensed his eyes still on her.

Will watched the girl's auburn ponytail swish around before casting his gaze downward. She was cute. Really cute. Maybe she'd prove a warm escape for the night.

The pub had quieted. The game on the widescreen, a repeat from earlier, was muted while only a handful of other patrons were left brooding into their drinks in the last hour. Will gazed toward the waitress, frowning when the bloke at the bar caught her arm. She appeared annoyed but attempted to hide it as she maneuvered out of his grasp.

Maybe a cathartic pounding would be a good way to cap off the evening. Will continued to watch and weigh the situation.

Faith returned with a bright smile as she tossed a coaster on the table and set his glass atop it. "Anything else I could get you?" Her eyebrows rose in expectation.

"Maybe." He draped himself over the table, tilted his head and looked up at her. "That bloke at the bar buggin' you?"

She blinked. "Oh, well, he's harmless."

"Not your boyfriend then?"

A snort popped out and she flushed. "No, no."

"I see." He curled his fingers around the glass and took a sip, enjoying the burn. "You gonna be off soon?"

She shifted from foot to foot, blushing harder. "Three."

"You feel like gettin' something to eat with me? I know it's late but hell, it's the weekend, yeah?" He reached out a hand to her. "By the way, I'm Will."

Faith took his hand and it felt soft and small in his. "Um, sure."

"Brilliant." He grinned. It may have been a little plastic, but he didn't think she noticed.

"Need another here! I'd like a little more, Faith!" The bluster at the bar was slurred but edged with pride at his own perceived wit.

Faith sighed and rolled her eyes. "Keeps this up and 86 is going to be the number of the night for him."

Will chuckled politely, but inwardly itched for the guy to start a problem. Tension was aching deep in his bones and he desperately needed to blow off some steam with his knuckles. _Please man, give me an excuse_.

"Think you've had enough." Her voice floated through the quiet and was met with a low growl.

"I'll let _you_ know when _I've_ had enough."

Her tone went from firm to soothing in a blink. "Look Paul, I know you've had a craptastic day and I'm sorry. I really am, but it's time to head home and get some sleep. We're getting ready to close anyway."

"Only if you come with me." Innuendo now laced with inebriation.

"Don't think so."

Will narrowed his eyes just as one hand looped around the girl to rest on her behind. She pushed it off and tried to step away before the guy curled his arm around her waist. "You and I could have a lot of fun."

"No Paul. Let go or this is going to get ugly." The words sounded like they'd been pushed out from between clenched teeth.

Will grinned. Maybe he'd get his wish.

* * *

When Gillian kissed him back, he felt a primal surge of hunger that had his hand leaving her arm and cupping the back of her skull to keep her close and prevent her from moving away. Their lips moved together, harder than he would have normally wanted for their first kiss but the alcohol has warped and eroded his tender side. He just wanted more. More of this. Definitely more of her. But when he tried to press his tongue into her mouth, he felt and sensed the retreat. She was pulling away. Panic flared as he attempted to smooth it over with smaller, less pervasive kisses but she'd already placed her hands against his chest and was pushing him away, gently but firmly.

"I'm sorry Gill…I'm so bloody sorry…" Cal mumbled, misery yanking him down into its chasm. "I shouldn't have…shit…"

"Stop." Her voice was gentle with an undercurrent of sadness as her hands left his chest to cradle his face, fingers brushing through his hair. "Shhh…it's okay."

When he found the nerve to peer into her face, he was startled and confused to find her flushed, eyes dark. "I…don't understand."

As her hands continued to stroke his face he leaned in again, certain he'd misjudged. _She did want this._

"No Cal."

_Okay, maybe not._ But why the arousal then? She wanted him as much as he wanted her. At least that's how it appeared. "I'm sorry luv. Did I misread?" _Did I just make a_ _huge ass of myself_? The prospect was devastating.

"No, you didn't misread." The words slipped out from between rushed breaths.

He squinted at her, blinked hard when she went out of focus. "Could you clue me in then?"

There it was. Sadness and not just in her voice. "I want _this_. But just not _now_."

"Okay." He still didn't understand. Perhaps the timing was inappropriate but he thought there was something more. "I'm sorry. Way too soon, considerin'."

"There's that." Her nails scraped across his scalp by his temple and he leaned into the sensation, eyes dipping again. "But we both have to be certain of something."

Dark spots were peppering behind his eyes as exhaustion gave him a tug but he tugged back. This was important. He had to hear this. "What's that Gill?"

"We both need to be sure it's me you're seeing."

He felt thick, stupid. "What d'ya mean?"

Gillian didn't answer but she pushed her lips together, brows crinkling as she fought back tears.

_Christ. He was always making her cry._ But this time he couldn't figure out why. Blinking slowly, he continued to stare into her face as the fog dissipated just enough to allow realization to sink in. _Oh._

* * *

It wasn't nearly as satisfying as he'd hoped.

The Nancy boy did swing but it was embarrassingly wide and took Will less than a second to catch, twist it, pop him in the kidney and drop him to the pocked wooden floor.

The girl watched, wide-eyed but was quick to explain when the owner decided to make an appearance.

"Both of you. Out!" The big man tapped his bat on the bar.

"Look, Larry. He had too much to drink and started getting pretty pushy." Her voice slid to blasé. "This customer helped me out. That's it."

"I don't want any fighting in my business."

"If you hadn't been in the can for the past half-hour, you could've been out here to put a stop to it personally."

Will glanced between the two of them. She was pretty mouthy for an employee. Maybe they were related. Had to be. He opened his mouth to say something when he felt the hand around his ankle. The grip was strong and before he had time to react, he was pulled off his feet, smacking the top of his eye socket against the metal rung of a barstool. Warm blood ran from his brow but he grinned as he twisted around and kicked the other man in the face. There was a crunch followed by a wail.

"Enough!" The owner crouched down to catch Paul under the arms to pull him back but sharply nodded at Will. "And you! Back off!"

Will scooted away and used the stool to climb to his feet. Faith appeared next to him, her hand on his arm. She said nothing but he caught her concern from the corner of his eye.

"Faith, call a cab for this guy."

"He broke my fucking nose!" The wail had turned guttural.

"You had it coming, you jackass." Larry pulled the man upright, keeping a hand on him while he swayed. "_Faith_?"

She nodded and slipped behind the counter.

"I wanna press charges!"

"Yeah? My niece tells me you started it and this kid just finished it. You might wanna just shut up, go home, clean up and sleep it off." The owner sounded tired, as if he'd run through this spiel before.

A sob pushed out from between the man's lips and ruined nose, sounding a bit like a goose honk. "I'm sorry!" He started to cry and Larry rolled his eyes.

"I'll walk you out, Paul. No more shit like that in my bar or you're gone. Get me?"

The man whimpered as the larger man supported him on the way to the exit.

Will watched them push through the heavy wooden door, feeling gypped. Despite the blood running into his eye, it was more of a non-fight than he'd been hoping for. Pent up energy and turmoil still curled inside.

"Hey."

He pivoted to see Faith slinging her purse over her shoulder. "Come with me. Let's get you cleaned up."

Will grinned. Maybe he'd _still_ be able to burn it all off.

* * *

"You really don't think I see you?" Even as Cal asked, he knew the answer. What a jackass he was. Seeing what she saw, knowing what she knew, of course she would question it. But it wasn't true! Nikki would forever be a part of him, especially now but it didn't impinge upon what he felt for Gillian.

"I saw you lose someone very dear to you tonight. I saw love Cal, very clearly between the two of you." Her face was pained as she waved one hand. "I know, I know. It was for what you once _had_ but it was still hard seeing it. I just need to know when you're looking at _me_, you just see _me_, not the ghost of someone else."

"I would never do that to you." His words were as sincere as he could make them, even as they warbled drunkenly.

Gillian's eyes flickered between both of his. "I know you wouldn't. Not intentionally but I need you step back and look closely at everything, including the fact you have a son. You need to grieve, get things in perspective, get your head in order and then we'll talk."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It's not but not much is." She reached over once more and trailed her fingers tenderly down his cheek. "I can wait."

His jaw slackened.

"Now, the guest bed has clean sheets. You need to get some rest."

"Uh, donne know if I can get up…" That was actually true.

Her smile was lovely as she rose and stretched her hands out to him. "No funny business. I mean it."

"Promise." He would have crossed his fingers if his coordination had allowed.

Cal half lurched and Gillian half pulled to get him to his feet. She threw an arm around his waist as he draped his own over her shoulders. He could smell her subtle perfume as she helped him down the hall and inhaled hungrily, hoping he might still be in with a chance for a good night kiss at least.


	22. Chapter 22

Will sat in the little pastel bathroom adorned with seashells while Faith carefully applied Betadine to the cut above his eye with a q-tip.

He didn't flinch as he blatantly studied her. Leggings hugged her lower half and a large sweatshirt with Georgetown emblazoned on the front hid the top half. "Often bring stray men home to tend their wounds?"

She flushed but pressed her lips together for a moment. "No, not usually."

"What would your uncle say?"

"It's not really his business is it?"

"Fair point."

She pressed a small Band-Aid across his brow and took a step back to inspect her work. "How's that feel?"

"Perfect." His voice was low, accent rolling sensually as his eyes burned up into hers. He watched her blink rabidly, redden again and nibble on her lip. Will almost offered to nibble on that lip for her but thought better of it. "Thanks luv." He got up, brushing against her in the small bathroom.

"Did you, uh, want something to eat?" Big green eyes looked up at him before she shrugged dismissively. "Least I can do after you fought for my honor."

He smiled. "Alright."

Neither moved. Faith was pressed against the counter, hands clutching the edge, while Will stood directly in front of her, mere inches away.

"You sure you don't have anywhere else to be?" Her question was soft as he tilted his head and regarded her.

Shaking his head, he edged forward. The scent of jasmine floated up about him and somehow he thought it fit her. The living area held the aroma of Patchouli and he couldn't help but wonder if it was hiding something else. Not that he cared.

"No boyfriend then, eh?"

"Not currently."

"Husband?"

"Seriously?" She jerked an eyebrow upward. "I'm twenty-three. What would I want with a _husband_?"

Will chuckled, wondering if he'd be tempted even if she were married. Lightman had been. Of course in all fairness, he'd been, what? Nineteen? Twenty? Will was 26. Not _that_ much older but old enough.

Closer and now Faith was playing with the buttons on his shirt. She glanced up again, then away, acting coy. Playing games.

He waited even as a fair amount of tension flared south.

"I don't normally do this." Her mouth twitched to the side.

"Good to hear."

"I broke up with my last boyfriend over six months ago." She didn't seem upset about it so he just nodded.

Her fingers stopped fiddling with his buttons and inched up to his shoulders, smoothing over them. She hesitated a moment before continuing to his face and cupping his cheeks. "Is this okay?"

Will almost laughed but kept it down to a smirk. "What do you think?"

She didn't even try to hide the smile and her laughter was musical as Faith pulled him down to push her lips against his.

Her mouth was hot, tongue fast and Will groaned as he wrapped his arms around her, one hand across the small of her back, the other clutching where her thigh and ass met. With ease, he lifted her onto the edge of the counter.

_Oh yeah. It was time to do a little forgetting…_

* * *

They did an awkward shamble down the hall before Gillian bumped the door to

the spare room open with her hip and flipped the light switch with her elbow.

Despite his inebriation, she had the feeling he was leaning on her a little too heavily. Of course she wasn't willing to step away in the off chance he'd take a header and then she'd have to deal with the problem of peeling him up off the floor. Swallowing a sigh, she guided him over to the foot of the bed, letting go when she deemed it safe. Unfortunately when she released him, he didn't do likewise.

He flopped back with a grunt but continued to hold onto her shoulders and take her with him. They ended up in an awkward dog pile with Cal on the bottom and Gillian perched on top.

Her pulse skyrocketed and although he'd closed his eyes when they'd hit the bed, they now popped open, startled, but Cal being Cal made a quick recovery. "Could get used to this darlin'. My own personal Gillian snuggie."

"Hilarious."

She went to push off from his chest but his arms quickly wrapped around her, eyes losing humor. They prodded hers, seeking answers, hoping for understanding, begging for something more.

"I'm so sorry Gill. There was absolutely no reason for you to be there tonight and I had no right to ask."

"You didn't." Her face felt warm and she hoped he wouldn't notice.

"You and I both know that's not true."

"You needed support." The answer was simple, even if the sentiment behind it wasn't.

"What about _your_ needs?" His tone had softened and she stifled a shudder when he moved a hand up to brush her hair behind one ear.

"You've been there for me plenty of times." Her voice was shaking and it irritated her. She really needed to leave him so he could sleep it off. She didn't need or want him to get all thoughtful on her now. Controlling her emotions was becoming a bit tricky as they threatened to split her in two.

"Not nearly enough." His fingers continued to stroke through her hair.

Swallowing, she tried to push off of him once more and this time his arms relaxed enough to allow it. When she looked down into his face, the vulnerability made her heart seize for a moment and tears threatened on the periphery. Not able to help herself, she leaned forward and lightly kissed him. "Goodnight Cal."

"Goodnight luv."

* * *

They'd gone through four condoms and although exhausted, he still couldn't sleep. Faith was burrowed into his side, arm stretched across his torso, warm breath against his chest. She'd fallen asleep with a little smile on her face and Will was glad. At least _someone_ was happy.

He wondered what his next move should be. He wondered if he should even go back to England but then again, why should he stay here? Because of Lightman? Seemed a lot to assume even if that were his inclination. Besides, he had a life back there. University, at least in theory he planned on going back. Friends. Ex-girlfriends he'd alienated. Cloudy skies and fog, which he actually liked. But no family.

Mum would be shipped back to be buried alongside Ray. _Shipped back_. What a horrible thought. _Don't forget to sign for that, sir!_ Will shook his head at the digression. That had been her wish and she'd taken care of everything down to the smallest detail. She hadn't wanted to burden him. Those had been her words. _Burden him_. She'd never been a burden, even during the awful chemo and radiation treatments when she'd first been diagnosed. Her chin had stayed up in his presence. She'd hidden the nausea, the discomfort, the pain. She'd protected him even when he didn't want her protection. It had alternately warmed him and aggravated him. Sometimes he'd just had the urge to shake her and yell "Act human already! I know you're scared!" Oddly enough, the most fear he'd seen in her was over his paternity. But then again, she had been right to be fearful about that, hadn't she? Just remembering some of the horrible thoughts that had crossed his mind now made his face burn with shame and guilt. When he'd brought some of them up to Lightman, the man had been absolutely furious. Right there had given him a small indication of what kind of bloke his natural father was. Dr. Foster had also said Lightman was an 'original,' so Will assumed he was currently only scratching the surface. Maybe he should stick around for a bit, for curiosities sake if nothing else. Was the guy even married? With how close he seemed to be to Foster, Will doubted it. Or had he ever been married? The next thought almost knocked the wind out of him as he rolled it over in his head and analyzed it. Were there any other kids? Did _he_ actually have any half-brothers or half-sisters out there? The prospect of siblings was awe-inspiring. Growing up, _other_ kids had had brothers and sisters and he'd always envied them and they in turn envied him because he didn't have to share anything. Will allowed a half smile in the darkness. People are never happy with their lot in life are they? But the prospect of being a brother was intriguing. Lightman hadn't said anything one way or another. Wouldn't that be something he'd bring up? Will pondered and decided that that may not be the case. He seemed to be the suspicious type. Not that Will could blame him. He tended to be that way himself.

He glanced down at the girl in his arms, trying to decide if he should stick around or just go.

At that moment, Faith sighed and snuggled a little closer, her knee brushing his leg. She _really_ was cute.

Maybe he'd stay longer. Only a little bit though.

* * *

_**A bit of reflection. Hopefully it didn't slow everyone down to snores.**_


	23. Chapter 23

Will awoke to a sense of foreboding and confusion, knowing instinctively it was all inside. He recognized the spiral.

Gazing down at the warm body next to him, he knew it was time to go. She didn't need to deal with him now. It was, in no way, her responsibility.

Barely able to move, he forced himself to slide out from under Faith's soft hand. She moaned, licking her lips in her sleep. _Good dream_. Must be nice. His had been anything but.

He dressed quickly even as his mind snow attempted to slow him down. Couldn't afford to just stop. He needed to get back to the hotel so he could sink in private.

_Gone. Gone, gone, gone. She was gone._

Pushing his palms against his eyes, he took a moment in an attempt to focus. One thing at a time.

Will considered leaving a note. It was the right thing to do, but at the same time, he didn't want to leave her false hope. And that's exactly what he'd be doing. For himself as well.

He watched her for another minute. A splinter of moonlight caught the subdued fire in her hair as her lips parted in a soft sigh. Problem was, he liked her. He hadn't been looking for anything beyond a hot and fast tumble and this was troubling. That's all he needed: more conflict.

Shaking himself off, he left the room and grabbed his jacket on the way out.

The air was chilly and his breath misted out in plumes as he glanced both directions. A cab would be wise considering the hour but he opted out. Faith only lived a few blocks from the pub, so he pivoted and headed that direction.

His boots clipped on the sidewalk as his mental state sank lower. Shades of deep pink spread east but he barely noticed as darkness blocked it all out.

_Gone. Gone, gone, gone. _

_ This was the natural order, you prat._

Bullshit. She'd been too young. There was nothing natural about her passing. She'd deserved to die quietly in her sleep at the age of 98 when her heart ran out of beats, not of tortuous and lingering disease.

He walked a little faster, anger much better than stifling depression even if the anger felt hollow.

Will wondered how Lightman was fairing with all this. An old affair drops an adult kid in his lap and proceeds to die on him. How fucked up was that? But the key word there was "adult." Lightman didn't really owe him anything. If he were younger, he'd probably hold a grudge. Wasn't that the movie of the week response? In reality, Will knew it wasn't the guy's fault and he held no ill will.

When the pub came into view, he got his bearings enough to cross the street toward the hospital and head further north to the hotel.

It was a pretty expensive place but that wasn't a problem. It never had been. Ray had left them both well taken care of. Part of him had always expected to be cut out and had been surprised when he hadn't been. Not that he'd wanted anything from Ray. He would have made his own way without it, thank you very much, but having money did make certain things easier. Just not everything. Money didn't cure the incurable.

If nothing else, however, money did buy a well-stocked mini-bar.

* * *

"Hey." She stepped out from the hall, surprised to find him up so early.

Cal glanced over, a trace smile on his lips but not one that expanded beyond. He didn't look like he'd slept at all, lines more deeply etched, shadows accentuating bloodshot eyes, hair mussed worse than usual. "Mornin' darlin'." Even his voice held little inflection.

"Rough night?" Gillian stepped past and lowered herself on the couch next to him, automatically curling her legs under her so they disappeared under her robe. She didn't have to ask but she wanted him to talk and not pull into himself as he was apt to do.

"You could say that."

"It's going to take time."

He snorted and slowly shook his head. "How _much_ time? How much time do we have Gillian?"

She swallowed around the sudden lump in her throat as fragments of her conversation with Nicole filtered to the front. "Would you really want to know if you could?"

"I imagine not but stuff like this makes you ask the big questions, yeah? I asked a shitload of them after my mum…did what she did… but there's never any real answers. You just pull yourself up and move on because that's what life expects you to do. I mean, what else can you do? Curl up and die?"

"I suppose, if nothing else, we learn not to take anything for granted."

He shifted on the couch and stared into her face. "But do we? I mean, ever learn? I'll be fifty in a few years and still wonder what the hell I'm doin' most of the time. I make decisions, often bad ones, and always set things back to square one as a result."

"Not true Cal. We all make bad decisions but we make good ones too."

Cal's arm was resting on the back of the couch and his fingers began to rub her shoulder. She wondered if he was even aware of it as she stifled a shiver. "I'm not going to deny thinkin' about Nikki last night…or William for that matter but that's not all of what was goin' through my head." Cal met her eyes and she winced at the pain and fear she saw there. "What keeps goin' through is the possibility that in all…this…" He waved his other hand. "I may have lost my chance for the one thing that means the most."

She opened her mouth to respond, but didn't know quite what to say as her heart lurched.

"I picture this scene in my head and can't shake it. I'm holding the woman I used to be in love while she dies… as the woman I currently…love…watches. I didn't even have the fuckin' strength to tell you to go home. It was pitiful."

_Was he even aware of what he just said? _

"That was my choice Cal. No one made me stay."

"Shouldn't have stayed." His head had dropped, his eyes vacant. "And then you should have kicked my arse out last night after..." His lips pulled back from his teeth in apparent disgust at his behavior.

"I did what I thought was right." She chanced a smile, ignoring his self- deprecation. "Besides, speaking with Nicole gave me a little more insight into what you were like as a young man."

A frown wrinkled his brow and despite his exhaustion, he looked up to catch her eye again. "And what did she tell you?"

Gillian's smile held. "Enough to know you haven't changed all that much. Enough to know that your son is a lot like you."

"Heaven help him." A smirk yanked at his mouth and she was glad to see it.

A memory stirred and she leaned toward the coffee table to paw through her purse. "There was something she gave me to give to you." She pulled out the album and held it out to him. "She was afraid she'd forget."

He eyed it warily before taking hold.

"I'm sure its not going to explode Cal."

"Funny one you are," he muttered.

His eyes were burning and he had to blink heavily just to focus as he unsnapped the case. Photos. Lots of photos. From what he could tell, they were all of William. Newborn shots, birthdays, school pictures, sports, vacations…a mini catalogue of the boy's life. Cal felt stinging in his eyes and blinked again. There were several blank pages and then a few extra photos, handwritten notes and an envelope stuffed toward the back. The first photo was of him. They'd slipped away to, _was it Blackpool_? And Nikki had gone camera mad. She'd taken some shots even as he'd tried to swipe it from her hand. His expression was a mélange of annoyance, good-humor and love. There was also a strip of photos from one of those stupid booths they'd squeezed in. They'd been kissing, oblivious to the rattle of shots. Warmth spread through him at the memory. Cal paused as he ran his fingers over the papers before making his choice and pulling out the envelope.

He could feel Gillian watching him but she made no move to see what he was seeing. That was just her way.

With shaking hands, he carefully tore it open, revealing some official looking paperwork and one document, all tri-folded. He instinctively reached for the last piece tucked behind the rest.

A birth certificate.

_William Harrison Connelly._

_ Mother: Nicole Anne Connelly._

_ Father: Caldonius Lightman._

Cal stared at it before pulling his eyes away to gaze at Gill. "His middle name's Harrison. That was my grandfather's name on my mum's side." He smiled and it actually didn't feel forced. "He passed when I was nine but I have a lot of good memories of him. Nikki knew that."

Gillian returned his smile, her eyes and face tender.

"Guess I'm a little surprised she named me as the father on this though."

"Are you?"

He held her eyes. "You sayin' maybe I shouldn't be?"

She shrugged, non-committal.

With a sigh, he folded the document and tucked it back into the envelope before pulling out a couple other pieces with official letterhead. He skimmed over them, the frown superseded by a growing coldness in his blood.

A lingering groan rattled from between his lips.

_No, no, no, no…_


	24. Chapter 24

"Cal?" Gillian leaned forward, her hand firm on his arm. "What's the matter?"

He seemed to have lost focus and now snapped back with a heavy sigh and a slow shaking of his head. "He's not just like _me_ Gill."

Hesitating, she took the paperwork when he freely offered it, eyes scanning carefully. _Oh my God._

Genetics were such a mixed blessing. He'd inherited his father's looks and his grandmother's depression. At fourteen, William had been hospitalized after ingesting 3/4 of a bottle of his father's prescription painkillers. Diagnosed with_ depression/bipolar disorder._ He was held for several days before being released to his parents. _Twice weekly counseling sessions ordered, with limited success. . Placebo therapy attempted, also to no effect_. _Combination of_ _lithium/carbamazepine prescribed_. _Depression leveled out for several months – unknown reasons, boy stopped taking meds, suffered withdrawal symptoms, severely beat a classmate. Arrest made, charges filed/dropped. Boy released to parents. Six months without incident. Mother contacted doctor when Will refused to leave his room for two_ _weeks. Valproate prescribed, behavior improved_. A few more incidents were documented, including two more arrests for assault but last record was early adulthood, nothing since.

Gillian lowered the paperwork and met Cal's troubled eyes. "Do you know where he's staying?"

He nodded and started to push himself to his feet but Gillian caught his arm. "You can't just burst in on him. He's going to shut down and push you out."

His face was filled with fatigue and sadness but his gaze was steady. "You think I can't be delicate?"

Slowly, her brows crept up.

Shifting his body toward her, he took her hand, pressing it gently. "I can be when I need to. _You know that_."

He was right. As brash and insensitive as he could sometimes be, he had a very real soft spot. Despite the fact that few people knew it existed didn't make it any less real.

Nodding, she squeezed his hand back. "Would you like me to come with you?"

"Nah." His voice lowered. "Don't s'pose you could check in with Em for me and dodge some questions?" Guilt washed over his face and her heart broke at everything he was currently being forced to deal with.

"I'll do my best. You do realize she'd not going to be satisfied with anything I say?"

He ran his hand over his eyes and took a deep breath. "I know. I just…I'll, um, have to have a chat with her but I need to talk to Zoë too otherwise she might yank my head off."

Zoë would hardly be conducive to a peaceful groundbreaking, so to speak and Gillian cringed at the inevitability of that meeting. The woman was very protective of her daughter, understandably so, but it wouldn't make Cal's situation any easier. "Check on William first and then go from there. I'll call Emily later this morning."

"Thanks, luv." He leaned forward and her heart stammered for just a moment, before his lips softly brushed her cheek. "Owe you one." Stopping Cal smirked. "Hell, I don't know if I'll ever get rid of this running tab."

"I'm sure we'll figure something out."

His smirk turned into a grin as he climbed to his feet. "That there's a loaded comment."

Despite the flush, she ignored his innuendo. "Go. Be careful."

* * *

After ransacking the mini-bar, Will slumped down in a safe corner of his room and stared at the bed. He thought about crawling over that way but it was too much trouble. Even if the compulsion lingered, his body probably wouldn't obey. He knew he was being moronic. After all, who fight depression with a depressant? But the alcohol initially made him giddy, which was pleasant but now he felt like a lump of clay, his body and mind merging into unformed blankness and confusion.

Now there was nothing left to do but attempt to deal with all the disconnections in his head.

He'd been doing so damned well. He'd kept it together for years now, faithfully taking his medication, attending class – at least until mum went out of remission, staying strong for her, but he was dropping the ball now. The medication, with the occasional adjustment, had been keeping him level but he'd missed the last several days and he wasn't really sure why. Dizziness and moodiness were beginning to highlight the withdrawal symptoms. He needed to call home, call his doctor but a huge part of him just didn't give a flying fuck. What was there to go home to? What was there to stay for? Lightman and Foster had enough of there own issues to contend with, they didn't need to take on his too.

Pulling his knees up to his chest, he wrapped his arms around them and rested his cheek against his forearm.

He wanted to cry.

_Gone. Gone, gone, gone…_

Why couldn't he cry? But then again, wasn't he too bloody old for that shit? Some kind of release would be good though. He body wanted it, needed it. The fight last night had helped a little and the sex had been even better but he was still so pent up and blocked off and confused and…

But the thickness remained. How can you seek release if your body is so heavy and thick, it wouldn't move? Of course if history repeated, the adverse would send him flying but then that could be a very dangerous thing too.

He continued to sit and stare, not able to get past the sludge in his brain as it pulled him closer to the floor.

* * *

Will awoke a few hours later curled in his corner, mouth like parchment, head threatening implosion. From his angle he had a prime view of the tangle of legs of the table and chair under the window. Light was sifting through the blinds and he closed his eyes against it, content to go back to sleep to avoid the day completely.

The sudden pounding seemed to come from within his skull and echo around inside. He winced, thinking about Excedrin but opting against it. The washroom was too far away.

If he ignored the discomfort long enough, sleep would eventually pull him down again and the hangover would be erased from his consciousness. That was the plan at least.

He heard the banging again and a slow realization seeped into his brain. _The bloody door._

"Fuck off!" The oath was so loud to him but he doubted it traversed the room to be heard in the hallway. He didn't care though. They'd go away eventually. His eyes remained closed. He didn't have the strength or inclination to glare in the direction of the pounding.

For just a moment, he must have dozed off because at once he felt, rather than heard, a presence. Frowning, he cracked one eye open.

Lightman was crouched next to him, looking like hell. The man was disheveled with rumpled clothing and deep creases and dark hollows highlighting his eyes, but he smirked. "Apparently I'm not the only one who had a shite-filled night."

"Go away."

The man appeared not to hear or not to listen. Will would have bet his front teeth on the latter if he were more cognizant. He watched as Lightman dropped out of his crouch and sat on the floor, back against the wall. He was careful to leave space between them. "Figured I'd drop in, see how're ya doin' and all that."

"Peachy." His voice and tone were dry as Will let his eye sink shut again. Sleep flowed over him and he wasn't resistant when it yanked him into its depths.

* * *

When he awoke again, his stomach was tinged with acid and extremely pissed at him. Will tried to roll to his feet but the thickness in his head and trembling of his body prevented such a simple act. He wondered vaguely if he had time to crawl toward the toilet as he unsteadily got himself to a sitting position. He doubted it though.

Someone pushed a wastebasket under his chin just before his stomach rebelled. Throat and chest on fire, he held onto the plastic container a moment longer, just in case, before slumping back against the wall, eyes closed.

The presence was still there. _Oh yeah. Lightman_. The guy had just shown up and what? Picked the lock? Will didn't remember letting him in. A tiny part was irritated but most of him didn't care enough about anything to have any kind of opinion on it.

"Done with that?"

Will opened his eyes again to see Lightman nodding toward the trashcan. _Christ. Couldn't he be miserable on his own? _He said nothing, only grunted.

"I'll take that as a yes." The man climbed to his feet to dispose of the trash liner, returned a moment later with water and aspirin.

_Okay. Maybe it wasn't a bad thing for someone else to be his legs for a little bit_.

"Thanks." He popped the medication and gulped down the water.

Lightman slid back down the wall, arriving in the same position as before. He didn't speak, nor did he scrutinize Will, seemingly content to stare at the artwork over the bed and ruminate on his own thoughts.

Normally his downward spirals didn't allow for company. But then again, the other person was usually trying to talk him out of it and that rarely, if ever, accomplished a damned thing. As Lightman remained quiet, slow thoughts began to permeate his brain. Something was different. _The guy knew_. He _had_ to.

"Find out some things did ya?"

Cal sighed, deciding not to start down the wrong path by lying. "Yeah."

"Mum tell you?"

"Indirectly."

"Is that why you're here?"

Glancing at him, Cal returned his sight to the far wall again. "Would have rang you anyway."

"Because you care or out of some sense of misguided obligation?"

The challenge was blatant but Cal was too tired to take the bait. "I have no obligation Will. You're hardly a lad anymore are you? But I did love your mother…" He stopped as his words thickened and he took a second to shove the emotions back. "So you're bloody right I care."

The young man was quiet and Cal could see him studying him from the corner of his eye. Finally, when he spoke, his voice was soft. "You realize that that was a very long time ago, yeah?"

"I do."

"I was a pretty screwed up kid."

Cal wanted to point out to him that mental illness wasn't a weakness, it was just a fact in life for some people. A true weakness would mean not dealing with it and up until now, it appeared the kid was. "Teenage years can be tough."

"Especially when you don't feel you belong anywhere."

"Can attest to that. Didn't have your situation but my dad was an alcoholic who liked to take his frustrations out on his wife and kid. When he wasn't knocking me about, he made sure I knew how useless I was and how the best part of me ran down his leg."

"Shit."

"Yeah." Cal shifted his head to catch the other man's eye. "Long time ago but it still impacts who we are and how we react to things now."

"Makes us stronger, huh?" The question was edged with sarcasm.

"Sometimes but not necessarily." Cal ignored the tone. "Sometimes puts us in a perpetual loop though. Tryin' to fix things that can't ever be fixed." His mind drifted off as thoughts of his own mum entered his head. All those years of guilt for not seeing what he could easily see now.

"Can understand that." This time there wasn't any sarcasm just quiet resolve.

"Just want you to know you don't have to be on your own."

Will didn't answer as his line of sight fell to the hands in his lap.

"You want me to head out?"

"Probably."

Cal flitted his eyes all over the young man's face, reading, checking, reading, double-checking before he finally nodded. "Kay, what do you think about grabbing some supper later?"

The barest of hesitations was followed by a tiny sideways smile. "Sure."


	25. Chapter 25

When Cal left the hotel, he stood for a moment blinking in the sun, undecided as to his next move. Part of him was reluctant to leave Will, despite the knowledge the young man was safest when depressed. It was when his mood swung upward that there could be problems. At the same time, he couldn't just baby sit, waiting for the shift. Being that blatant would be met with irritation at best, anger at worst. He'd already planted the seed that the boy wasn't alone and it was the best he could do for the moment. Now it was time to go home, get a couple hours of sleep and speak with Emily. He'd deal with Zoë later.

As he drove, his mind bounced all over the place, decisions made now doubted. He thought about Gillian. His face burned with shame at the memory of his drunken passes. What the hell had he been thinking? And then there was once beautiful Nikki lying in some cold metal hospital drawer awaiting…what? He presumed she'd be sent back to London but was a funeral planned? It seemed the right thing for him to attend considering he was Will's father but at the same time it could cast Nicole in a very bad light. Not that anyone would even know who the hell he was, but still. Will hadn't said anything either way but he was probably in shock along with all his other issues. Cal made a quick swipe at his eyes, just now aware of the burning and watering. Death, too much alcohol, no sleep, profound worry about a recently discovered son, plus concern about his little girl and how all this would affect her, not to mention his little girl's mother converged upon him in a storm of volatile emotions. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Stopping at a light, he gave the steering wheel several hardy slams with the edge of his fist. The woman in the car next to him stared but he ignored her, pulling away at the first opportunity.

With Will's past, how would Zoë react to him meeting Emily? At the very least, she'd be cautious. Hell, _he_ was cautious and a little fearful, but his ex might choose to make things so much worse. But Emily had a right to know about her brother. She was sixteen - young but not a small child any longer. Keeping something like this from her would bring a whole lot of resentment his way. Understandably so. If it were him_, he'd _want to know, damn the torpedoes. But, shit, the boy was a carefully maintained tinder box. What if something happened?

Maybe he should just go back to Gill's. Pop some aspirin and borrow her spare room for a few hours before facing the music. It was so tempting, but then again he'd leaned on her enough. It was amazing she hadn't just kicked his arse into the street.

His head was relentless and he took a hand off the wheel to massage his pounding temple. The headache was shooting fireworks of bright, white lights behind his eyes and he stifled a groan.

He didn't notice the flatbed truck in front of him begin to slow.

* * *

Gillian glanced at the clock. Cal been gone for over four hours and although she was reticent about calling, she couldn't help but be concerned. If Will was off his medication, that, combined with the stress of losing his mother could prove unpredictable. It wasn't that she didn't trust Cal's ability to handle the situation, she just worried that everything piling on him would stretch him to his limits. As tough as he pretended to be, he was still only human.

True to her word, she had spoken with Emily and the girl was more than a little aggravated with her father's seemingly conscious efforts to avoid her. Not that Gill could blame her. The best she could afford was he was taking care of things and he'd see her later on today. She wanted so much to say more but she was stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. It wasn't up to her. Anything more and she'd be overstepping and that wasn't something she was willing to do. It was quite the ballet as it was.

Buzzing with too much superfluous energy and a congested mind, Gillian decided to change and go for a run. With any luck, she'd be able to wriggle out from under everything for at least thirty, forty-five minutes. A hot shower afterward might buy her an additional fifteen before all her frenetic thoughts would threaten to converge again. It was important to keep a clear head, as difficult as it was. Whether he wanted to or not, Cal was counting on her.

* * *

Will stayed in the same spot even after Lightman left. Only when his bladder threatened to burst did he make tentative movements in his quest to creep toward the washroom.

It felt as if he were in a vacuum or void. It was familiar but he didn't want it to be familiar. He was so tired of this shit. The ups and downs of no medication, or the monotone existence of taking his drugs. Maybe he just needed an adjusted dosage or perhaps something different. Maybe after he took a leak, he could crawl to the shower in an attempt to appear human. Maybe, just maybe, after that he'd call Collins.

He squinted at his watch, surprised it was afternoon already. A quick calculation led to the fact he'd have to leave a message with the answering service. _Damnit._

Forcing himself to his feet, he staggered forward to use the toilet and then just wound up curling up on the linoleum afterward. At least it was a change of venue.

_You're fucking pathetic. You're alone. She's gone. _

No. Lightman said he didn't have to be alone. He'd been kind without coddling and Will had appreciated that. He'd shared a little bit of what made him tick. And although he'd sensed the man holding back, Will had believed what he'd said. And now he was curious to know more about him.

Another image skittered across his brain. This one was lovely with auburn hair and green eyes and went by the name of Faith. She probably thought he was a royal prat right now, although maybe, just maybe, if he got his shit together he could stop by the pub for another go. Worse that could happen is she'd tell him to go to hell, best, maybe she'd accept his apology and go to the cinema or something with him.

But how could he even think about socializing? His mum probably wasn't even cold yet. Guilt burned through him but he tried to cut it off. Mum wouldn't want this. She'd want him to remember her but move on. How many discussions had they had about all this? Too many to count. And as much as he didn't want to hear it, she'd pressed him to talk even more after her final diagnosis. It was during one of those talks when she'd slid him the envelope and requested he take it to Dr. Cal Lightman.

With a sigh, he tried to force the mud from his head long enough to grab a shower. He wasn't smelling so good and he took the sudden compulsion to remedy it as a promising sign.

He'd told Lightman he'd meet him for supper and he had every intention of being there.


	26. Chapter 26

He heard the voice somewhere near his right ear.

"We're going to get you out of here, okay?"

That would be a good thing. He didn't have time for this crap.

He must have passed out because the next thing he felt himself being lifted then strapped securely. He couldn't move but the vehicle was moving. There was no siren so he took it as a good sign he wasn't dying or anything. His body ached, especially his head but it also hurt to breathe.

Another fast-forward and some wanker was shining a penlight in his eyes. "Can you hear me Dr. Lightman?" The voice was echoing from a tunnel.

His reply was more of a growl but the response on the other end was a positive one.

Movement once more and when he opened his eyes again, a portly nurse with blond hair and a slight sheen to her face was adjusting the IV flow.

"Hey, you're awake!"

"Am I?" Cal was a little dubious. Everything was much too bright, clear and surreal. Or maybe it was morphine.

"Sounds like you're a very lucky man!" She puttered around, taking his temp and pulse. Her nametag read Margaret.

"Not really." These days were anything but lucky. He'd snapped back to attention to avoid the flatbed but apparently not the vehicle or vehicles to the right of him.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"Nothin'."

She frowned at him but seemed to dismiss the dry comments at the same time. "Doctor will be in a moment."

Cal blinked to clear his eyes and studied the woman. No real concern, going through the motions. Nothing major was wrong.

"Margaret? What's the time darlin'?"

The nurse blushed at the endearment. "Um, a bit after five."

_Shit._ "My things?"

Once again she frowned at him. "Plastic bag in cabinet."

Hopefully his clothing wasn't cut to ribbons.

He pulled a deep breath in and winced. Probably cracked ribs, maybe even broken. Accident knocked him out so his head was screaming even louder than before the collision – concussion, no doubt. There didn't seem to be any bandages so they didn't have to cut him open to fix anything. That was good. Slowly, he took inventory of all other parts, moving fingers, toes, elbows, knees, shifting subtly to the side. _Fuck_. Oh yeah, _definitely_ ribs. They'd heal on their own. As long as he took it easy hopefully they wouldn't puncture a lung.

Looking up again he met the nurse's eyes. Suspicion glowed back at him. "Dr. Crawley will be in _shortly_." In other words, _don't even think about it_.

_Better be in soon then_. Cal gazed back innocently. "I understand."

* * *

"I don't understand." Gillian heart was thudding uncomfortably somewhere near the base of her throat and she could feel Emily's fingers digging into her arm. "What do you mean he's not here?"

"You lost my dad?" The girl's voice was a twist of fear, incredulousness and sarcasm as only a teenager could accomplish.

The doctor swallowed and reddened. "He was brought upstairs from ER. We were going to keep him overnight, at the very least, but by the time I went on my rounds, he'd left."

Gillian didn't know whether to be angry at Cal or terrified for him so she settled somewhere in between. "What were his injuries? Did he just endanger his life by going AWOL?"

"Let's just say it wasn't the best idea. He suffered a concussion, two broken ribs and a severely bruised kidney. He should be monitored and resting." The man pressed his lips together in disapproval, any perceived embarrassment pushed to the background.

"When you find him, please try to convince him it would be wise to return."

"Yeah, good luck with that." Emily muttered and Gillian silently agreed.

"Was there anyone else admitted with him?" Maybe Cal and William had been together…?

From the corner of her eye, she could see the girl glance at her in confusion.

"No. He was alone as far as I know."

"Alright, thank you." Gillian spun around to head toward the elevators with the girl staying right by her side.

"Why would he _do_ this?"

"You know your dad." Pausing, Gillian tried his cell, waiting but invariably knowing it would go to voicemail. She sighed when she was proven right, letting annoyance move to the forefront so she wouldn't contemplate the fear. _Where the hell was he?_

"Gillian?"

"Yeah, honey?" They stepped into the elevator and she pressed the lobby level button harder than she needed to. Facing Emily, she found herself pinned by the girl's dark eyes.

"Do you think this has _anything_ to do with what he's been hiding from me? I mean, it's not above him to just walk out of a hospital like this, but it seems to be a little too much of coincidence. And _who_ would have been with him?" The girl's gaze darted all around Gillian's face looking for any semblance of an answer. "You have to know what's going on or at least have a really good idea. _Please_ Gillian."

The elevator doors slid open and she directed the girl to a bank of chairs in the lobby by the main entrance, trying to form a reasonable response in those few seconds.

Sitting down, Emily waited, fixing Gillian with an intense gaze not unlike her father.

"An old…acquaintance visited your father from London and the circumstances have been…less than ideal."

"You realize you're not really saying much don't you?" Emily leaned forward. "It's not Terry is it? Did he get my dad in trouble again?"

"No, it's not Terry. Honey, I really wish I could say more but it's not up to me. This has to be completely on your father's terms." Gillian felt helpless, tired of being caught in the middle and worried all at the same time.

A sudden realization occurred to her. Cal had given her Will's number, just in case. She pulled out her phone even as Emily's eyes never left her.

* * *

Will arrived first and was shown to a booth in the corner. It was just a little Thai place Lightman had suggested. Informal but quiet enough to talk.

He ordered an iced tea while he waited and scrutinized the décor for lack of anything else to do. A Buddha statue graced one side of the entry, a fountain, the other side. Wall hangings consisted of elephant prints, bamboo and a small photo of the king. Will decided it wasn't as tacky as it could have been.

The server brought his tea with a polite smile before disappearing again.

_What if he didn't show? _

Don't be a plonker. Why wouldn't he?

Because dealing with someone with his kind of issues was _not_ a walk in the park.

Will couldn't argue with himself on that point. He glanced down at his watch. 6:10. The guy wasn't _that_ late. He'd looked ready to drop over earlier, so he couldn't be faulted for grabbing a few extra minutes of sleep.

He'd managed to leave a message with Dr. Collins answering service but didn't expect any kind of response before morning. Despite his emotional state last night and earlier today, he couldn't bring himself to label it as an emergency. Questionable thoughts or impulses weren't on the itinerary and he hoped they wouldn't be. Prior experience assured him Collins wouldn't drop the ball.

The Thai Tea was really good so he ordered another. Normally he didn't care for sweet things but this was a pleasant exception.

6:30.

Maybe he should call and just check in with him. Maybe he had the wrong place.

No, that's ridiculous. It _wasn't_ the wrong restaurant. It was simple - if Lightman didn't want to show, he wasn't going to show.

The man had told him he didn't have to be on his own and yet here he was, on his own.

_Well, that thought was bloody pathetic and whiny. _

The phone went off in his pocket, cutting through the quiet of the restaurant and making him jump. There was no way Dr. Collins would be getting back just yet. It was close to midnight there. Nope. Maybe it was Lightman. He answered, his tone questioning.

"William? This is Gillian Foster." Her voice had been soothing to him yesterday and although it was still lovely, there was an underlying urgency he hadn't heard before.

"Dr. Foster? What's going on?"

"Is…Cal with you?"

Was it urgency or just plain panic? Either way, it wasn't a good thing. "No, but I was kind of expecting him. We were supposed to meet for a bite." His fingers tightened around the phone. "Is something _wrong_?"

"Actually, yes. He was involved in a car accident this afternoon and –"

"Bloody hell!"

Gillian frowned and her heart stammered in alarm when he cut her off. "_Will_? What's happened?"

"Uh, he's, uh, here…" he moved away from the phone and she couldn't hear the words directed elsewhere.

"Will?! Will?! Where are you?"

He was back, voice stunned. "Uh…Lemongrass on …Charles, I think. What the hell did you say happened to him?"

"I'm on my way."

Not offering a response he just disconnected. Shocked, he watched Lightman shuffle toward him, before jumping to his feet and approaching. He stopped just short. "_What happened_?"

A dark, ugly bruise started at his right cheekbone and stretched up past his temple, standing out even more against pallid skin. His movements indicated pain but glassy eyes told him the edge had temporarily been taken off. "It's been one shitty day. Actually it's been a shitty couple of days, don't you think?" The man managed a tight grin that was more of a grimace.

"Dr. Foster's on her way."

"Did she sound mad?"

"Um, no, not exactly. Upset though."

"Well, she's probably mad anyway." Cal carefully lowered himself into the booth and indicated Will should sit. "I tend to have that affect on her."

_That wasn't the only affect he had on her_. Will chose not to comment as he slid opposite. "Did you get hit by a bus or somethin'?"

"No, but it might have been a truck."

"Are you some kind of nutter? You could have called." Incredulous, Will stared, unsure what to think.

"Coulda, shoulda…" Cal waved his hand, winced and stopped waving his hand. "And yeah, maybe I am a little nuts but this is what I do. It was important I be here and I'm here." He leaned forward, easily meeting the younger man's eyes, attempting to stress his intentions. _I want you to trust me. I want you to feel you can count on me. I meant it when I said you don't have to be on your own._

Will nodded slowly, a bit of warmth for this odd man flickering inside. "I appreciate that but you look like you should be in hospital."

"Probably. But before I'm relegated to broth and gelatin for the next couple of days, let's get some curry."

"Is that a good idea?"

"No, but I'm chock full of them you'll find. Gillian will tell ya." Cal motioned to the server who took down the order before looking questioningly at Will.

"Same."

Cal cocked an eyebrow at him. "You like spicy?"

"Oh yeah."

"Good man."

The food arrived in conjunction with Gillian.

"Cal! What in the world…?" Her voice twisted with worry and anger, eyes probably frosty but fearful. It wasn't unfamiliar.

Cal looked up with his lazy grin, hoping to diffuse at least a bit of her anger but it fell from his face when he saw his daughter in step with her.


	27. Chapter 27

Cal's headache spiked when the nausea rose and turned to bile in the back of his throat. The curry that had smelled and looked so good just moments earlier, suddenly seemed inedible.

"That there's my daughter. She doesn't know anything about all this yet." His voice was a low rumble.

Will nodded, compassion flickering through his features. "A bit soon, yeah?"

"Could say that."

And now all he could think was: _Zoë's gonna kill me._

"What the hell were you thinking?" Gillian's eyes flashed at him, concern, fear and anger merging with a hint of apology. Apology for throwing him into this situation before he was ready was his best guess.

"I _had_ to be here." His own anger cut through his tone but he wanted to stress his reasons regardless. With effort, he struggled to his feet.

Gillian automatically reached a hand to him but Emily grabbed an arm first. He tried not to wince. "Dad! Oh my God! We were totally freaking out! First the hospital calls and then we get there and they tell us you just walked out. Seriously?!"

"Hate hospitals, luv. You know that."

"You're an idiot." Her hands tightened on his arm and the slight tremble he felt belied her words.

"I know darlin'. Didn't mean to scare you." He gently patted one hand.

Emily glanced at Will, frowning. "Look, I don't know why my dad felt obligated to meet you, but he was just in a car accident and has no business being here."

"Couldn't agree more." Will's eyes flicked between the three of them but Cal didn't see any darkness. He saw trace amusement if nothing else and felt himself relax ever so slightly.

"Well, uh, good." She studied him, brow furrowing. "You seem familiar. Have me met…? Oh wait." Emily stared up at her father and her voice went up an octave. "Is he a cousin of something?"

Cal opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again but Will beat him to a response.

"No, darlin', I'm not. We know one another through…a mutual acquaintance." Will rose to his feet to face the older man. "I appreciate you meeting with me Dr. Lightman but apparently you went above and beyond. I'll give you a call in a couple of days." He glanced from Cal to Gillian and back again. "You headin' home or back to hospital?"

"Home." Cal responded. He was tired, in pain and all he wanted to do was curl up in his own bed.

"Hospital." Gillian corrected.

They glared at one another.

Will chuckled. "I think I best be goin'. By the way, I'm Will." He held his hand out to Emily who peeled one of hers from her father's arm to take it.

"Emily."

"Very nice to meet you."

The girl gazed at him as if trying to figure something out and Cal inadvertently held his breath. "Yeah, same here. You _did_ know he got into a wreck right?"

"Not exactly but he sure looks like it. I would have expected him to call and beg out."

"That's my dad." She sighed with an eye roll.

"As I'm finding out."

Emily continued to study him. "Who are you, really?"

Will just smiled and threw a few bills on the table. He nodded at Cal and Gill. "Dr. Lightman, Dr. Foster." With that, he wandered toward the door and was gone.

* * *

"Dad?"

"Hmmm?"

"You okay?"

Cal cracked one eye open. "You mean other than the obvious?"

"Yeah."

"Fine, luv." He let the eye slide shut. The hospital/home dispute had been kind of a draw. He'd agreed to getting checked out again but not to staying so they'd sent him home with instructions and drugs under Gillian's disapproving watch.

"There's something going on. Something you're not telling me." It wasn't even a question.

"Are you harassing me cuz you know I can't move?"

"Yes."

"Did Gillian say somethin'?" His eye cracked open again. He was stretched out on the couch and Emily was sitting on the coffee table gazing at him with suspicious eyes.

"No, nothing. She almost seemed reluctant to take me with her to come get you. It was a little strange."

"Just been a hard couple of days."

"How so? You haven't said a thing." Her lips pressed together as her brows rose.

Cal allowed a heavy sigh and bit back a groan. _Two weeks_. They said it would be close to two weeks before he'd been able to get around a little easier. Two weeks of being fussed over and told what to do. It was like a prison sentence. "Look darlin', I'm not really up to discussing this right now."

"How about the next time I wake you?"

In about an hour. _Kill me now_. "Still won't be."

"You're being difficult."

"Go away."

"I can try pumping Gillian for information again when she gets back. Maybe she'll slip up."

"You leave her be. She doesn't have anything to do with all this."

"All what?"

Cal let his eyes close again, hoping that the gentle waves of narcotics would take him away from the Spanish Inquisition.

He felt Emily gently kiss his forehead as he heard the door opening. Gillian was back. Although he stayed in the tide between awareness and sleep, he felt warmth in his chest. Despite all this shit, despite his stupidity, despite the anger he held earlier and the resulting rudeness, she'd come back. She'd gone out to collect a few things from home in anticipation of camping out in his guest bedroom, all because she wanted to be there for him. The warmth became an ache.

"How's he doing?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Okay. I woke him a few minutes ago to interrogate him but he still didn't spill." Emily responded. He heard the rustling of a bag. "Oooo…Ben and Jerry's!"

"Figured we could watch a movie and pig out on some ice cream."

"I like the way you think!"

They laughed together and although a smile threatened to pull at one corner of his mouth, he couldn't quite do it. His mind kept sliding around and although the thoughts were murky, they involved Nikki's last breath and Will's Bipolar Disorder.

He heard the girls moving around and then the sound of the television. A musical. It was familiar but he couldn't put it together. Probably one of Gillian's classics. Sondheim and Bernstein? Or Rodgers and Hammerstein? He couldn't remember. Not that it mattered.

Would Will even contact him? Or would he just up and disappear? It would actually be easier if the boy just left. Guilt flared through him at the thought. This was his _son_. His and Nicole's son. His flesh and blood. Just as much his child as Emily. When had he ever chosen the easy route anyway? Except for that whole running from his feelings for Gillian thing, but he was almost done with that too. He did really need to talk with Em…and Zoë…or should he wait until he got validation from a DNA test? A heavy veil started to fall down around him…wait…he had little doubt…what the hell was he trying to figure…?

Time slid through the currents of a river when he felt a soft hand on his arm. "Cal?"

He started to reposition but grunted in discomfort and stopped. His lids fluttered open so he could meet Gillian's worried eyes. "Yeah, luv?"

"Just checking." Her smile was barely there. "I wanted to apologize about tonight."

There was a moment of confusion before he realized what she was talking about. Cal slowly shook his head. "Nothin' to apologize for. You were in a tough spot." He blinked to clear his vision and cast a glance around the room. "Em go to bed?"

"Yeah. She made me promise to wake her for her shift."

"Which you have no intention of honoring."

"No need. I think you're out of the woods now." The smile became more obvious. "Too hard headed."

"Without a doubt."

Her hand was still on his arm and she was lightly rubbing back and forth. "What made you go meet him?"

"I promised him."

"You couldn't have called?"

"I…I guess I just wanted him to know that I'd be there. You know what I mean? A bit of stability if nothing else."

"Stable? _You_?" A soft laugh passed between her lips and despite the fact she was making fun, he found it lovely.

"You're a funny one you are." He caught her eye and she said nothing, just waited. Sobering, he continued. "He wasn't in great shape when I dropped by. Had to con the cleaning lady to let me in when he didn't answer. He was sick from hangover and he's in mourning and that but it seemed like something more. Like he'd fallen off his meds and was…um…struggling to grab on to somethin', anythin'. I suppose I want to be that somethin'. Show him I can be counted on. Does that make sense?"

It did. She just wished he wouldn't endanger himself in the process. But then again, that was Cal. "Of course it makes sense. It did seem to make a difference. I didn't see anything…questionable."

"Neither did I but then again, it was the best I could do, yeah?"

Gillian nodded, went to move her fingers from his arm but he caught her hand in his. She watched, transfixed as he brought it to his mouth and tenderly kissed the back.

Even blitzed on painkillers, his eyes darkened with intensity. "Thank you for tonight. Guess that's somethin' else to put on the tab."

He brushed his lips against her flesh once more and a chill ran down her spine.

She cleared her throat. "I think you'd, um, better get some rest."

"I s'pose."

"I'm not going anywhere. We can talk more in the morning."

His eyes dipped and the grip on her hand loosened. "Thanks luv."


	28. Chapter 28

Gillian wandered downstairs to check on him. Her own sleep had been fitful but she was unsurprised to see him awake as well. A single lamp burned next to the sofa, casting his face in amber light, lengthening the lines in his face and shortening them as he pulled in slow and careful breaths. The muscles held pain but his eyes were focused and deep in thought as he grappled with everything currently raging inside.

There was so much to consider. She wondered when he would tell Emily the truth. It seemed unlikely he could continue to evade the persistent teenager's attempts to get answers. She was very much her father's daughter and didn't give up easily. Of course they could wind up in gridlock and that wouldn't do either one of them any good.

"Did I wake you?" His tired eyes focused on hers.

"No, I couldn't sleep." She moved closer, thought about sitting next to him, before changing her mind and dropping into the recliner. Any movement on the couch seemed to bring discomfort even if he tried to hide it.

A wave of disappointment washed over his face but was gone just as quickly. "So much shite in so little time. Part of me is in denial over everything and part of me feels like I've been sucker punched. It's like a bloody soap opera or somethin'."

"A little."

Cal grunted. "And here Zoë is in New York. If I tell Em without consulting her first she's gonna rip off my arm and beat me to death with it, but I don't think I can hold off. I mean, Will's gonna, no doubt, head home soon and who knows if I'm ever gonna see or hear from him again. If I tell Em _after_ he goes, she's gonna be just as pissed, especially since she technically met him already and I didn't say a thing." His eyes had dropped away but popped up again as another thought snuck into his already overcrowded head. "She may not ever trust me again Gill. I mean, this is bloody _huge._ It's not like telling her the parakeet got out and flew away when it actually croaked on the bottom of the cage. For me to hide this from her…" Cal shook his head and raised a hand to rub over his face. "Ah hell."

Rising, Gillian stepped close and perched on the edge of the coffee table, leaning forward. One hand gently dropped to his knee as she looked up at him. "Emily loves you. You're making the best decisions you can, considering everything that's fallen on you and she's going to understand that all you're trying to do is protect her." She rubbed his knee for a moment before catching the sudden tension in his face and letting the hand fall away. A warm blush rose in her cheeks but she continued. "I also _think_ you're expecting entirely too much of yourself and need to give yourself a break."

"Easy to say."

"Maybe but I honestly don't think Will is going to fall off the face of the earth. I think he's curious enough about you, especially with that stupid beyond belief stunt you pulled, to want to get to know you a bit better." Her lips pulled to the side in a smirk reminiscent of his own. "What kid wouldn't?"

"I'm really good at embarrassing my daughter."

"He doesn't know you well enough to have that fear."

"Might send him screamin' in the other direction."

Gillian sighed, a tiny bit of irritation flickering but extinguishing in the same moment. "I honestly don't think so."

He was quiet, still feeling the warmth of her hand on his knee. He wanted her to sit next to him but understood why she didn't. It was hard to move and breathe and currently exist and she knew this even as he tried to hide it. _Fuck it_. "Sit with me?"

The shift made her blink. "I don't think that's a good idea."

A slow smile spread across his face. "Don't trust yourself?"

She rolled her eyes but blushed again. "You're really funny, Cal."

"C'mon. Just be gentle with me and I promise not to bite."

Shaking her head, she got up and pulled the armchair close before flopping down in it and reaching out to take his hand. "How's that?"

_Not exactly what he had in mind_. "Guess it'll have to do." His tone was grudging.

"You're right. It will."

"Mean."

* * *

Will tossed the hastily folded shirt into the suitcase. He was on autopilot, taking one step at a time but oddly enough, okay with it. Dr. Collins had talked with him earlier but being he was a psychiatrist, not psychologist, it was more about drug dosage and mild reprimand over Will's choice to stop the current prescription, not the reasons behind it. He'd been wrestling with the "why" himself for a bit and had come to the conclusion he hadn't wanted to face his mum's death with barely a ripple. He wanted to slip out of monotone and be able to feel. Of course if he'd been smart, he would have discussed changes with Collins before leaving London but that had been the last thing on his mind.

The flight wasn't until tomorrow night but he thought he'd get a jump on the packing. Technically he didn't even have to accompany her. She'd already arranged everything, the pragmatist that she'd been. But he felt the compulsion. The beautiful lady shouldn't go home alone.

Rolling up a pair of trousers, he wedged them next to the shirts as his mind drifted.

He planned on giving Lightman a call later in the morning to check up on him. The fact he'd hauled himself, busted up like that, across town to keep a promise touched Will more than he was sure he wanted to admit. It was most certainly done to make a point and it made him wonder if his natural father was in fact, a lunatic (which would explain a lot) but mostly it gave him hope. And bloody hell, he actually had a sister! A smile curled his mouth as he thought about her. _Emily_. Seemed spunky and very protective of her…their…father. He liked her. That there was an odd thing to keep contemplating though…his father…their father. The word never had to same meaning before.

Thoughts and plans were beginning to gestate. He'd finished his undergrad a few years earlier and had started to move beyond when mum got sick. Maybe it was worth a return to his studies with a change in venue.

He wondered how Lightman would feel about it. There was a lot to work through but he'd already proven he wanted to be there for Will with that ridiculous little trek. But the man was also understandably cautious. It would take time. For both of them.

Slamming the case shut, he also thought maybe, just maybe, he'd drop by that pub and see if Faith was around. Maybe she wouldn't hurt him. After all, a man's got to eat.

* * *

"So, you're ready to spill, huh?" Emily first flopped down in the armchair before leaning forward, elbows on knees.

"Yes and kind of no." Zoë really was going to kill him but he'd made his decision. Em had a right to know and there was no getting around it. He'd smooth it over with his ex later…theoretically. "Really don't want to go behind your mum's back though."

Curiosity shone in the girl's eyes. "This has _got _to be good if you're putting out that little disclaimer."

Cal sighed and ran a hand through his tousled hair before shooting a glance at Gillian, curled in the far corner of the couch. Her eyes were full of warmth and encouragement. It had been his decision but she supported him no matter what.

When he caught Emily's eyes again, her demeanor had shifted. Still curious but concern and worry had now edged into her features. "Something really bad?"

"Um, yes and no." He pulled a deep breath in, wincing at the deep pain in his side. "The young man from last night? Will?"

She nodded, expression not changing.

"Do you, uh, remember him sayin' he knew me through a mutual acquaintance?"

Another slow nod.

"That person was his mum. She was…" Cal stopped, surprised and annoyed to feel burning in the back of his eyes. He tensed his jaw, willing back emotions behind neutrality. It was one of the few times he didn't seem to be able to succeed but he pushed on. "She was, uh, special to me at one time but I hadn't had any contact in years. Until recently. She'd gotten sick and had come to the states for treatment."

Her eyes widened. "That sounds like past tense."

"Yeah. She contacted me, well, she actually sent her son to do it for her." He stopped again and felt Gillian hand brush down his arm. She'd scooted closer and he hadn't even noticed. "Anyway, she, um, passed yesterday."

Emily was suddenly kneeling on the floor at his feet, reaching for his hand. "Oh my God, dad, I'm so sorry!" She gave it a squeeze. "I would never have pestered so much if I'd known! Why didn't you tell me? I mean, you could have said something along the lines of 'an old friend passed away and bugger off.'" There was a loving, get out of jail free card in there somewhere but he couldn't take advantage of it. He'd come this far.

He smiled down at her. "I could have."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because there's more, luv."

Emily glanced at Gillian who looked back with familiar empathy. "You know what this is all about?"

A dry chuckle escaped Cal. "She knew before she even _knew_. Observant one she is. This time more than me."

"You're starting to scare me."

"Don't mean to darlin'." He curled his fingers more firmly around the smaller ones lace through his. "It's about Will." Another deep breath punctuated by pain. _Bloody hell._

Emily continued to stare at him and he could swear he saw and heard the wheels turning. He also saw as her face fell into an incredulous blankness. Her throat worked convulsively. "Um, dad…he looks a lot like pictures of you when you were younger." She swallowed again, eyes widening. "That's not a coincidence is it?"


	29. Chapter 29

Emily's large eyes grew even rounder as Cal steadily met her gaze.

"So…that guy at the restaurant…is my brother?"

"Have to make it official and all, but that's how it appears."

"Oh my God!" Her expression flickered from shock, to excitement and then caught somewhere between suspicion and reprimand. "And _you_ have the audacity to lecture _me_ on safe sex!"

Cal opened his mouth to defend himself but the fact that Nikki had lied to him all those years ago would only cast her in an unflattering light and he wasn't willing to do that. "Case in point, darlin'. Wasn't much older than you are now."

Emily sat back and stared at the floor, mulling things over for several long seconds before looking back up at her father. "Does he know? I mean, where's he been all these years? Why didn't his mother tell you? Or did you know and you just never bothered to tell me?"

_Oh Christ. _ He shook his head. "I just found out. The situation back then was…complicated."

Anger flared in her dark eyes. "_Don't do that_! Don't push me off and treat me like I'm five! This might be a newsflash for you but guess what? I _know_ you're not perfect!"

Cal's temper began to spark but Gillian's soft hand on his arm reined it in. The girl was right. She was almost seventeen. Soon she'd be off to college. Not a child any longer. He crumbled inside and sagged on the outside. "I'm sorry, luv. You're right."

Emily glanced at Gillian who just raised her brows, both sharing in the momentous occasion of a rare apology and acknowledgement of being wrong. If it had been any other time, one or both would have run with it.

If able-bodied, Cal would have been making a beeline for the door and that would have been the worst possible choice. Some warped part of him concluded the accident had been a good thing in the most twisted, fucked-up sort of way. His injuries currently kept him from taking off. "The truth is…" He looked into his daughter's face. "Truth is, his mum was…_married_ at the time."

Emily gaped at him. "Married?"

"Yeah."

She digested that and Cal brace himself for what was coming next. "Didn't her husband question it? I mean, dad, he looks _a lot_ like you. Or did the guy have similar coloring? I mean, enough not to question?"

"You don't pull punches do you?" God, she was like him. _Poor kid._

"Nope." She waited, expectation all over her face.

"I can only go from what Nicole told me."

"And that was?"

Cal closed his eyes for a moment as fatigue settled in around him. There were other forms of escape.

"Dad? You okay?" She got to her feet, perched on the coffee table and took his hand. "Do you need your meds?"

Actually he did but he opened his eyes and shook his head. "I'm fine Em. Thing is, her husband _knew_. Her husband _couldn't_ father children."

She stared. "Um, wow. That was very…open-minded of him."

Cal chuckled and winced. "Guess it was."

"So, this other guy was raising _your_ kid? And you never knew anything about it?"

"Theoretically, it was for the best. I was barely more than a kid myself. What the hell would I have done with a baby?"

"Theoretically?"

He shook his head. He was _done_. "Doesn't matter. Will didn't want for anythin'. His mum was a good mum."

Emily didn't pursue it. She could tell when her dad had had enough and was actually pretty impressed with the information he'd chosen to share. But the idea of a brother trickled excitement into her heart. Being an only child had had its perks but at times it would have been nice to vent with a sibling. "Is he going back to England now?"

Relief spread through his face at the change. "Dunno. Presume so."

"Kind of unfair to discover I have a big brother and have him go and leave the country."

"Sorry. He's a grown man and I have nothin' to say about anythin' in that regard."

"Maybe not but…" Emily tilted her head, gaze flitting from her dad to Gillian and back again. "Invite him to dinner tonight. I'll even cook."

Cal cocked an eyebrow. "He'll definitely go back to London then. Probably run."

Emily shot daggers at him.

"Sorry luv. You kind of stepped into that one." He shifted, brows knitting as fire ran across his side. "You realize your mum's gonna kill me, yeah?"

"Eh. I'll handle mom when she gets home. Besides, this is my _brother_. I have a right to get to know him."

Cal glanced over at Gillian whose tiny smile reassured him it would all be okay. She'd spoken with Will more than he had and her instincts were razor sharp.

"Sure, guess we can do that. But I'll face the music with your mum – that's not up to you. As far as tonight goes, why don't we just order some pizza? Make it extra casual and all?"

"Is that another insult? I mean, I'd feel bad smacking you now but I can wait until later you know."

"Duly noted. And it wasn't an insult. Just thought you wouldn't want to be slavin' over a hot stove and all."

"Yeah, right."

* * *

She was pissed off at him but not as much as he'd feared.

As he ate his burger and sipped his beer, he watched her sidelong glances become less and less hostile. Maybe it helped that each and every one was met with a grin on his part. He was trying to soften her up and it appeared to be working.

Finally, Faith stopped by his booth and glared down at him. "You're a jerk."

Will grinned again. "Yeah. Been called worse."

"I should tell you to go to hell."

"I'm sensing a 'but' in there somewhere."

Her eye roll accompanied her sigh. She held her index finger up to the other girl behind the bar before sliding in across from Will. "I can't seem to do it."

"Because I'm irresistible?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Cuz I'm exceptional in bed?"

"Voice down or you'll be speaking like a little girl for the next week."

"Sorry." He dropped his eyes to his half-eaten food for a moment before letting them pop up to meet Faith's gaze. "I'm also really sorry about the other night. Shouldn't of slipped out like that. Just been a lot goin' on in my life these days."

"Now, _that _sounds like a line."

"Yeah. S'pose it does. Not meant to though." He reached across the table and caught her hand in his. Although slightly startled, she didn't pull away and he was glad. "Look, I have to go home for a bit to take care of some things, but I'd like to see you when I get back."

"Get back? Are you moving here or just staying for a while?"

"Considerin' moving. Have family here. Not so much in London any longer."

"Was that your dad you were with the other night?"

_My dad_? The word now felt strange. Dad had been reserved, stand-offish. His real dad was…well, he wasn't anything like Ray. He was more like…_him_. At least from what he could tell. It made his head swim a little. _And, oh crap, he'd forgotten to call!_ "Uh, yeah."

"How long has he been here?"

Will honestly wasn't sure. His answer was safe. "A while. Was gonna discuss all the red tape and whatnot about movin' here."

Faith nodded slowly as her eyes perused the man's face. What was it about this guy? Apart from the sexy accent that is? She sensed sadness and baggage but also an honest spirit. She liked him. Probably more than she should have considering. "Well, I'll be here. Have at least another year of school, barring complications."

"That's good. Not the complications part of course." He smiled at her, his eyes crinkling, face handsome. It made her want to take him into the restroom and…no, none of that. At least not right now.

"Well, I've got to get back before my uncle starts to bitch." She scooted out but hovered by the table.

"Wouldn't want that."

Her eyes moved back and forth between his for a moment. She wanted to kiss him. Big time. But not where everyone and everyone's cousin could see.

"Need to get goin' anyway. S'posed to make a phone call."

"When are you heading back?" Her heart accelerated at the prospect of him leaving. _What the hell?_

"Tomorrow night."

"Oh." Faith's eyes moved back and forth between his. Right now they were green. Before they'd merged into brownish. She liked his eyes. Deciding to take a chance, she pulled her order pad from her apron pocket and scratched out her phone number. "Here. If you do make it back here, give me a call."

Will smirked before taking the note. She watched as he carefully folded it and put in his pocket. "One more thing?"

"What's that?"

"Don't want everyone to hear. Mind leaning down?"

Faith did as he requested and wasn't surprised to feel his soft kiss. It was sweet before bordering on passionate. She forgot her inhibitions and laced her fingers through his sandy hair for a moment before pulling away. "You think you're Mr. Charming don't you?"

Will shrugged, smirk not diminished.

"Well, it's working so you'd better leave. I do have to work to do you know."

"How about later? You could come by my hotel." His smirk graduated into his lazy sideways grin as his eyes shimmered and darkened.

She did her best to stifle a shudder. "Um, no. But give me a call when you're back in town. No more freebies!"


	30. Chapter 30

Cal moved tentatively, hanging on to the banister as he pulled himself up the stairs. The girls were putting their heads together in the kitchen to work on some sickly sweet project to accompany dinner and he was taking advantage of their distraction to grab a shower and change.

He'd spoken with William already and the young man had sounded genuinely pleased at the invitation. Only problem was he'd had to hand the phone off to Gillian when drug induced amnesia had him forgetting his address. At least he hoped it was the painkillers. Early senility would suck.

Stopping, his hand still secure around the wooden railing, a smile twitched against his mouth. He could hear Gill and Em's laughter. It was the best thing he'd heard in days. Something had gone amiss and he figured he probably wouldn't want to see his kitchen at that very moment but it was okay. His girls were enjoying themselves. _His girls_. He contemplated the thought. Gill wasn't his but he had every intention of rectifying that little detail. If she'd have him.

He started to move upward again, gritting his teeth against his discomfort.

_If_ she'd have him.

Signs looked promising. She just needed to believe she was all he saw. There were no specters from his past. Nicole was gone. Had been gone a long time in truth. Gillian was his present and his future. At least he hoped so. The fact he was completely in love with her and had been for years was fused into his marrow. He had to show her and somehow make her believe it.

Their laughter wafted up toward him again and it was such a beautiful sound.

Soon Will would be here too. He wondered if the laughter would still flow freely or if it would be congested by awkwardness. He hoped that wouldn't be the case. Maybe he was feeling a little selfish but he wanted things to go smoothly. He wanted a sense of family. He wanted to see his daughter and her new found brother tease one another and grow close. And he wanted Gillian in that picture too: by his side with no more ambiguity.

With a tiny sigh of relief, he managed to finally pull himself to the top step.

* * *

"He's gone." Emily raised her brows, unmindful of the flour smeared across her forehead. "Should have known the minute we got distracted, he'd hightail it. Just can't ever bring himself to ask for help."

"Well, you know your father. He's sneaky like that." Gillian listened for a moment, a spear of relief finding her insides at the sound of the shower. "We'll give him a few minutes before checking on him."

"He's going to _love_ that."

"He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions."

Emily shook her head, smile rueful. "True enough. It's amazing _I_ don't have gray hair because of him."

"It's hard raising kids."

The girl snorted in laughter. "Sometimes I wonder _who_ is raising _whom_." She slid onto a stool by the breakfast bar, her eyes on Gillian, now turning serious.

"You okay?" Gill perched on the stool next to her, bracing herself for questions she may not have answers for or worse, ones she may.

"Should I be worried?"

"You mean more than usual?" Gill's response was careful.

"I mean, I know he hurts but at the same time, physical stuff doesn't put him in this sleepwalk kind of mode." She chewed on the inside of her cheek. "This woman…I mean it was such a long time ago but does he still love her?"

The question tugged at her insides. Her initial response would have been yes, but from what she'd seen, it had shifted into another form. Respect for a love once intense, passionate and youthful? Love for what once was or what could have been? She didn't claim to have any foresight into Cal's exact thoughts but her instincts told her a part of him would always love Nicole. Perhaps because she was his first real love. After all, didn't we all have a special place in our heart for our first? The fact it had produced a son brought a whirlwind of confusion along for the ride but she didn't _think_ Cal still held Nikki in the same light, despite the tenderness she'd witnessed. "I think he still had feelings for her, yes."

"Did you meet her?"

"I did."

"What kind of person was she?" Emily tilted her head, mirroring her father physically but weighing her words instead. "She was married but she was cheating with dad. 'Course I'm sure he wasn't any different than a lot of boys but what was _her _excuse? She was quite a bit older, right?"

Gillian really wasn't sure what to say. What Nicole had done was beyond incorrigible but as she pictured the woman in the hospice with her knowing eyes and deep wisdom, it was very difficult to hold any kind of anger. "I think…she may have been caught up in the moment. I think she may have developed feelings for your dad that were unexpected on her part."

"You liked her."

Surprised, Gill met the girl's eyes. They held no animosity, were only curious. "I suppose I did."

"Huh."

The girl' train of thought shifted again. "What do you think of Will?"

"I don't know him very well."

"First impressions then." Emily leaned forward, chin in hands.

"Um, I think he has some things to work out naturally but I also think he's a decent person." Gillian smiled, reached out and squeezed the girl's arm. "You'll be able to tell me soon enough."

The oven timer buzzed and they both jumped.

"Want to check on dad?" Gill thought she caught a smirk before the girl pivoted away. "I'll pull out the cake."

"Sure." The shower had ceased but there'd only been silence since. A thread of concern wove its way through her. Logically she knew he was fine but there was always that little 'what if?' niggling in the back of her mind.

Gillian headed for the staircase, a little faster than she normally would have and climbed two steps at a time. The hallway was clear and she moved toward the master bedroom door, her heart rate increasing.

He didn't respond to her soft knock.

"Cal?"

Nothing.

She was caught between the awkwardness of walking in on him dressing (he may not have heard her, after all. She _had_ kept her voice down) and the fear of walking in on him and finding him in a heap on the floor.

_Screw it._

Gillian turned the knob and slowly pushed the door inward. "Cal?"

A breath of relief whooshed between her lips, followed by a flush.

He was leaning against the wall just outside the master bath wearing only unbuttoned jeans. A towel was carelessly tossed across his shoulders but his skin still glistened with droplets and his wet hair stood in tuffs after what was an apparent haphazard swipe at it. His eyes were unfocused but staring in the general direction of the far wall, obviously not hearing her.

"Cal?" This time her voice was a little louder.

"Huh?" He blinked and his head swiveled her direction.

"You okay?" She took a step closer, but not too close as the blood thundered in her ears.

"Yeah, luv. Just…lost in thought I guess."

"Lots to think about."

"Mmmm." Cal's gaze sharpened and she could feel him start to peel away some of her layers.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"You know." Gillian wanted to take a step back toward the door but found it harder than expected. Her eyes swept over him, cringing at the deep bruising on his right side but enjoying the view of his lean upper torso more than she would care to admit. She'd never seem him shirtless before. "Um, I just wanted to check, make sure you were okay."

"Fine, luv."

"Good, good. I'll just, um, see you downstairs." She felt flustered and a tiny bit angry because of it. She'd always prided herself on keeping her cool and it was the rare event, which threatened her composure.

And this was one of them.

_Damnit_.

Gillian smiled with a short nod and turned on her heels. She'd only moved a step when his low voice reached her.

"I see _you_ Gillian."

She swiveled to find his expression keen, truthful.

"Only _you_."

Less than two yards separated them but he continued to lean back against the wall, obviously tired, perhaps too much to hide from her.

On feet, which seemed to have developed a mind of their own, she stepped closer, eyes moving slowly around his weathered features. He wasn't even trying to keep his mask up and that was quite an accomplishment for him. Did she really need to double-check her read? Probably not. At least not tonight.

"Been one hell of a few days, yeah?" He watched, seeing her hesitation and not blaming her in the slightest.

"Think we covered that already."

"S'pose we have. Doesn't make it any less true."

"I guess it doesn't." Her voice was a little wispy as she took the step that brought her close enough to smell her perfume.

Cal inhaled, loving the amazing amount of sensory input a simple fragrance could achieve. "You smell good."

She smirked. "So do you."

"Oh yeah?" His spirit wanted to break free, step forward, and pull her into a warm embrace but his back seemed to have become permanently affixed to the wall.

Gillian, however, wasn't stuck and he felt her soft hand sliding against his cheek. He closed his eyes and tilted his head to push for more contact.

"_I see you too Cal_."


	31. Chapter 31

His eyes opened and fixed on hers. They were warm, tender and loving and he thought, perhaps, just perhaps, it really would turn out all right. "I'm glad darlin'." He reached out and ran his fingers through her hair, surprised and pleased to feel the tiny tremble.

"We really should get back." She didn't quite believe her own words, which made him smile.

Cal's fingers settled at the side of her neck, thumb brushing her skin, feeling her heart rate surge. He still held guilt over his drunken advances but she _did_ kiss him back. The circumstances were off but the emotions were there and he could feel them in her soft response.

Her hand left his face before trailing down and caressing his chest, eyes wide as if surprised by her own actions. He wanted so badly to be able to push off from the wall and line his body up with hers but he wasn't quite capable. A few more days might make all the difference but even then it wouldn't be right. Not yet.

But still. What would be the harm of a kiss?

As his eyes dropped to her lips, he caught the quick tongue flick as she moistened them. They shone in the low light of the bedroom and his hand tightened just enough to gently pull her closer.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Her voice was a low murmur but her nails lightly scratched against his flesh and he pulled in a quick breath.

"_This _this? Or the fact that you're standing here…in my bedroom?"

Gillian flushed and he let his smile settle into his eyes. Loosening his hold, he still stroked the underside of her jaw with his thumb. "You're probably right."

Even as the words left his mouth, she took a micro-step forward. He could now feel her warm breath against his face and deeply rooted desire shot through him, injuries be damned. Cal angled his head closer even as the rest of his body remained firmly planted against the wall.

"Guys?! Everything okay?" Emily's voice floated upstairs. "I think Will's going to be here, like, any second!"

Gillian stopped the advance but her hands remained gentle against him, absently brushing away droplets of water. To his surprise, she didn't pull away. "I think we're going to need to talk."

"S'pose we should." He agreed but he felt that tiny sliver of fear.

"You should stay sober."

"Are you implyin' intense emotional stress might find me crawlin' into a bottle?"

"Something like that."

His lips tightened, but only for a moment. "Fair enough." She was still so close and most of his synapses were starting to misfire. "Maybe after the kids have been sent off to bed…"

"Dad? Gill?" Emily's tone had made the abrupt shift from curiosity to innuendo laced. "Normally I wouldn't interrupt…whatever it is you're doing but…"

The doorbell rang and Cal was struck with an odd mix of annoyance and nerves. "Be down in a minute." It was closer to a croak but Emily heard and responded with a caustic "about time" and that was it.

"Rain check, yeah?" He searched her eyes and face brazenly, seeing loving warmth tinged with wariness. It wasn't a surprise but he hoped it would only be a very small hurdle.

"Okay." The wariness didn't stop her when she leaned in those last few millimeters and pressed her lips to his.

The sensuous friction had his blood pressure spiking but she moved away before he could pursue it, pursue _her_.

"Cal?"

"Yeah, luv?" His throat was dry.

"You might want to…finish dressing." Her smile accompanied another blush before she pivoted to leave him staring after her with a profound longing.

* * *

Gillian stopped at the top of the staircase, hand on banister. She pulled in several cleansing breaths but could still barely hear over the pounding of her heart.

Their relationship was evolving very quickly, _too_ quickly, at this point but they both needed to stop or at least pull back to baby steps. But _holy crap_! It was so hard! An image of Cal, still wet from his shower, lean, shirtless and only a few feet from the bed burned into her brain.

She took another breath, willing the warmth from her face and pale skin before slowly descending the steps.

Emily and Will were chatting and the camaraderie she heard didn't feel forced. Of course the teenager was quite gregarious and didn't have a problem talking with anyone. According to Cal, she'd shaken off any kind of shyness shortly after her 7th birthday.

"Hi Dr. Foster." Will turned with an easy smile, which shifted into a bemused frown.

Emily just grinned.

_Damnit._ Her face still felt warm. She cleared her throat. "How are you, Will?"

"I'm actually doin' okay. I mean, I have my times but I'm tryin' to be philosophical about it, you know?"

"That's a good way to look at things." Gillian glanced over her shoulder. "Cal should be down shortly."

Emily's grin widened and amusement now played around Will's eyes. _Damn this fair complexion!_

"Okay, okay, you two. Enough of that." Cal appeared at the top of the stairs and cautiously made his way down. Gillian resisted the urge to help, knowing he wouldn't appreciate it.

"Enough of what? Have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't be cheeky." He moved down another two steps but managed a glare at his daughter. "Don't you have pizza to order?"

"Unlike some people, I'm on top of things. Should be delivered…" Emily glanced at her watch. "In about twenty minutes."

He nodded, reaching the bottom of the stairs, whitening slightly.

"Are you _okay_?" Will stepped forward, his eyes moving around the older man's face. "I mean, I know you're not _okay_ okay but…should you be up and about like this?"

Gillian and Emily answered in unison. "No."

Cal bared his teeth at both of them. "I'm fine. Just want to plant myself in the corner of the couch and stay there unless there's a nature call."

"Charming, dad." Emily rolled her eyes.

"Thought you appreciated honesty."

"Within limits."

Cal grunted, made his way to the sofa and delicately sequestered himself in the corner as promised.

Cal did a lot of observing, sometimes subtle, sometimes not so much, but he wanted to get a grasp on the dynamic between Emily and William.

And so far, so good.

They seemed oddly relaxed around one another, as if sharing a father created an instant "us against them, or more appropriately, him" united front. It was good to see and Cal could feel himself start to relax a little. The same feeling he'd experienced in Gillian's company earlier, made its way to the forefront once more. Maybe it really would all be okay.

* * *

Will had chosen to speak with him when the girls were working on their decadent dessert and Cal was both unnerved and pleased at what the young man decided to share.

He stared past his right knee and nodded before fixing a gaze on Will. "This is what you want?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll do what I can to help get everythin' worked out…I mean, if you want me to."

"What about the test?"

"Eh. We'll get it taken care of when you get back."

Will's smile was huge and Cal found himself returning it. His son had decided to stay in the states. Close to his newfound family. Close to the girl from the pub. Of course _that_ had been mentioned only in passing but Cal had caught that moment of happiness in his face when Faith was mentioned. The kid was smitten. And Cal knew the feeling. Every time Gillian passed by, she caught his eye and the tenderness he saw flabbergasted him.

"So, you're headin' home tomorrow?"

"Yeah." Will took a swig of his beer and stuck his foot on the edge of the coffee table. "Just need to, uh, tie up some loose ends. I have power of attorney but I'd rather leave the sale of the house and certain other things to mum's solicitor."

Cal nodded. "Just sorry I can't make it back with you."

The boy looked up, his lips pulling to the side. "There'd be no reason. She didn't want a funeral or anythin' like that. She wanted to keep everythin'…subdued, I guess. She'll be…" He stalled out, swallowing and blinking as circumstances came back around and slapped him on the side of the head. "Um…she'll quietly be buried next to…Ray."

Gingerly raising one arm, Cal caught William's shoulder in a tentative grasp before giving it a gentle squeeze. He said nothing. There was no point.

"Hey guys! Ready for something sickly chocolaty and mocha-y?" Emily came bouncing out of the kitchen, Gill smiling several steps behind.

"No, not really." Cal's answer was dry and he heard Will snicker. At least he wasn't alone in his low tolerance of deserts.

"Tough." Emily glared at them both. "A little piece won't kill either one of you!"

"Let's see…" Will counted off on his fingers. "Diabetes, heart disease, obesity, stroke, certain types of cancer…"

Emily narrowed her eyes and Cal whispered. "I'd stop about right now. She's gettin' ready to slug ya."

"God, now there are two of them!" Despite the huffing and puffing, a smile twitched at the corner of her mouth.


	32. Chapter 32

_**Sorry about the lag time on this one. This may be a good time to bring about some closure although an epilogue is definitely possible. I guess we'll see. Hope you enjoyed and thanks to all of you for your constant support and reviews! =) **_

* * *

They had started out at opposite ends of the couch. It hadn't been a conscious decision. It had just been the logistics of one teenager sharing the space for a movie. Said teenager, after quizzing her father extensively on the return of her newfound brother, had disappeared upstairs, claiming fatigue but with phone firmly in hand.

As they spoke, the distance between them disappeared and neither was entirely conscious of the when part of it. It had just happened. Almost like their silent communication, except physical.

"Do you think it'll work?" Her hand was sliding against the side of his head, nails gently scraping.

"If you keep doin' _that_, I'll be your slave for life."

She smiled, watching his eyes dip. "Careful, I'll hold you to it."

He grunted but it was one of contentment before his hazel irises peeked out at her again. They'd grown serious. "What did she say to you?"

"Who?"

Cal raised a brow. "The first lady. Who do you think?"

She narrowed her eyes in mock reprimand. "Funny, Cal. Unlike _you_, I can easily get up and leave." Gillian maneuvered to put the implied threat into motion but his hand on hers stopped her short.

"Sorry darlin'. You know me, sarcasm is a coping mechanism."

"Only too well."

"You don't have to answer but it just seems…well, I mean, things between _us _seem to be, uh, evolving." His thumb brushed the back of her hand in point. "You had a lot of time to discuss all the stuff wrong with me and yet…here we are."

"You honestly think she would speak badly about you?" Gillian shifted back, curious."

"Well, no, not exactly. I was too young to know my arse from a hole in the ground—"

"And nothing's changed." She smoothly inserted, unable to resist.

"Well, now _that_ wasn't very nice." He feigned irritation. "I may not be able to kick you out of my house right now but I'm _really_ good at glowering."

"Very true. Good thing it's not fatal – half our staff would be dead."

The smile played around his lips and she loved seeing it. "Only half?"

"The other half is smart enough to avoid you."

"Are you purposely tryin' to distract me?" He tilted his head, keeping her under his steady gaze.

She slowly licked her lips, amused when his face blanked and his eyes dropped to her mouth. "If I was purposely trying to distract you, it wouldn't be hard."

"Mean. Tryin' to be serious and you're…uh…what was it you were intending to do there?"

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about, but, if you want to know what Nicole said to me, I'm more than willing to discuss it with you."

His eyes flickered between hers. "Are you?"

Gillian's shrug was tiny. "Did you know she was a natural?"

Face scrunching, he seemed to think on it before shaking his head, face pained with trace anger. "I've been like a dog chasing my tail. I honestly…didn't see it."

Squeezing his hand, she kept her eyes on his initially before they wandered past him. "It's not too surprising you wouldn't see it, considering…the circumstances but she and I had some time to talk. Nicole was a remarkably perceptive lady but it was more than that. She was able to see or _read_ things most people couldn't. She made assumptions…"

"…which were spot on?"

She looked back at him, not finding the intensity she'd expected but more of a calm acceptance. "Well, pretty close if nothing else."

"What kind of assumptions Gill?"

"A lot of it was implied."

Cal's voice lowered. "About us."

She wasn't surprised by the lack of question. It was pretty evident. "It was almost like she was giving, um, guidance, without actually being that forward. She talked about her illness and how it made her reassess her life, which is quite normal I realize but the way she spoke, I had the impression it was for _my_ benefit."

His answering smile was honest. "She saw…somethin' in your face and the same in mine and decided to do a little last minute matchmakin'." The smile turned bittersweet. "Sounds like somethin' she'd do."

"She wasn't wrong." Tears began to push out around the edges and his arm guided her close into the hollow of his shoulder. "Sorry."

"No need to apologize." He pressed a kiss to her head and she felt the pull of a few strands of her hair in his stubble. "Deep inside, we've always known, yeah?"

Gillian sniffled, her eyes on the steady rise and fall of his chest. "Back to my question."

"And what question was that darlin'?"

"Do you think it'll work?" Worry reared its ugly head but she took a breath and beat it down.

"It's been workin' for almost a decade. You haven't killed me yet so I think we've got a good bloody chance." He chuckled and the sound was free and strangely beautiful.

She laughed against his neck. It was a little catchy tonight. "I suppose that bit's true."

Quiet moved up and around them once again and she could hear his heartbeat. For once, she didn't doubt. Nicole's words echoed in her head. _"Despite an awareness of our own mortality, we always think we have plenty of time. The end is some nebulous date way in the future and has no bearing of what's happening right now. It's not true is it though? Life can be cruel. We always think that __other__ people get sick and die. __Other__ people are hurt or killed in accidents or worse. But darling, that's not the case…" _

She heard a short inhalation of discomfort as Cal maneuvered and felt gentle fingers under her chin, urging her to look up at him. She didn't fight. His eyes had taken on a greenish hue and his smile was in and around them. She smiled back, finally ready.

A moment later, his warm and tender lips were against hers. No drunkenness, no clumsiness and definitely no hurry.

* * *

Faith pulled her wheezing Nissan into one of the spaces designated for employees and threw the car into park. Her brain was scrambled by finals and now she had to hold down a six-hour shift at the bar because Tammy had called out. She'd uhmed and awwwed but knew she wouldn't let her uncle down. He knew it too and she could hear relief on his end before she'd even agreed. Sometimes she could be such a pushover.

Grabbing her purse from the front seat, she slammed the door shut and headed for the back entrance.

It was then that she noticed the figure in her periphery. He was leaning up against a blue Acura parked on the street runningperpendicular to the bar. Stopping, she didn't immediately give the man a full on stare. She was too busy contending with the stilling of her heart and the absence of air in her lungs.

When she'd managed to kick start her vitals, she pivoted, but not too quickly. She didn't want to appear overly excited. It was safer that way.

He was only about twenty feet away, leaning casually, sunglasses on, blond hair almost white in the early afternoon sun. God, he was gorgeous.

"Hey you." Faith was proud her voice didn't shake.

"Hello darlin'." His tone and accent were just a satiny as before and she felt her belly flip.

"Didn't expect I'd see you again."

She hadn't moved but he'd pushed off against the car and walked toward her with an easy grace she was envious of. "I told you I'd be back."

"Guys tend to say things like that."  
"S'pose they do." He tilted his head and as if remembering himself, took off his sunglasses. "I meant it though."

"Are you back in the states…for good?"

"Working on it. Shouldn't be a problem, with my dad and all."

He'd said the word "dad" with an edge of surprise and wonder, which puzzled her but she had a feeling he'd tell her when he was ready. She watched him moved closer and she could smell his aftershave, her loins twitching as a result. _You're hopeless, Faith._

Will's eyes were then smiling down into hers and she broke her self-imposed paralysis and slid into his arms, loving the strength and solidity of him as he wrapped himself around hers. The kiss was just as wonderful. Tentative at first before shifting into a happy excitement as his lips became softer and more pliable. She loved his lips.

He pulled away a moment later, eyes on hers. "I'd like you to take a ride with me."

"Now? I can't. I have to work." She took a moment to curse her soft heart and uncle.

"That's okay_._ Was thinkin' tomorrow _but _if you're free later, I'd like to take you to dinner."

She blinked up at him. "Well, um, I'll be getting off at seven tonight."

"That would be perfect." Will gave her a sideways look and her instincts went on guard.

"_What_?"

"Well, dinner's at my dad's place. I'd like you to meet him…_and_ my little sister."

She hadn't seen Will in over two months and although he'd called on a pretty regular basis, she really hadn't expected anything. Maybe it was just her track record. "You want me to meet your family?"

"I guess, technically, you met my dad already but I don't think that was a proper meeting, yeah? So, what do you say?" His grin turned sideways and the boyishness of it had her smiling back.

"Okay."

"Brilliant! How much time do you need? When should I come get you?"

"Eight, at my apartment."

"Will do!" He kissed her again and pivoted back toward the car.

Gazing after him, the sudden thought popped back into her head. "Will?"

"Yeah, luv?" He whirled back to face her.

"What ride were you talking about? You asked if I'd go for a ride with you."

The grin returned. "A ride to California."


	33. Chapter 33

The boy met his grandfather's steady gaze with one of defiance. For about two seconds. His face then fell, lower lip poofing out.

"Ben's not a dog. Stop playin' fetch with him."

On cue, the fourteen-month-old spit the stuffed panda into his older brother's lap before looking up at Cal for approval.

"But he likes to do it!"

"He also likes cat food and sand. Doesn't mean it needs to be the main part of his diet." Cal winced, his knees crackling, but plopped down next to the boys regardless. "It's about respect, Nick."

The boy crinkled his brow in question.

"And the fact he may one day be bigger than you." Nicolas had inherited the smaller stature of the Lightman boys but his brother seemed to be heading into their mother's territory. Not that Faith was tall but her father, brothers and uncle were all big guys.

That clearly hadn't entered the equation and the boy's eyes widened.

"Wouldn't want your baby brother to squash you like a bug later. It'd be embarrassing, it would." Cal poked at Nick's stomach and the six-year-old giggled. The baby crept forward onto his grandfather's lap and laughed along with them, drool coating his chin.

Cal kissed the top of the little one's head, threw an arm around the older boy and pressed his lips against his brow as well. His fingers found unguarded ribs and the boy squawked again.

"He wouldn't squash me! He loves me!"

"Yeah. Shouldn't take advantage of it though. He might pop your head off and play soccer with it!"

Cal's fingers wiggled again and Nicolas shrieked with laughter. Benjamin slapped his hands together, apparently enjoying the image.

"Hey guys." Gillian peeked into the former study, now playroom and raised an eyebrow.

"Gamma, Gamma…Gamma…" The baby used Cal's shoulder to pull up and toddle toward her. Nicolas stayed put but his smile was large and gap-toothed.

"'Bout time you got back. The men here have been dyin' for their sundaes." Cal grinned up at his wife, warmth rushing, contentment always bringing peace.

"Well, if someone hadn't forgotten…"

"Oi! It wasn't on the list!"

"Sure." Gillian swept the baby onto her hip and he captured her with chubby arms and pressed a drooly kiss to her cheek.

Cal ignored her dry response. "Well, let's get these two sugared up for their folks. We don't have all day!"

Nicolas launched off his grandfather. "Oooooo…ice cream!"

The boy darted around Gillian, causing Benjamin to start wriggling in her arms. "Ice ceem. Ice ceemmm…"

She set him down and he darted after his brother. They both heard the thump when he fell, but footsteps followed a moment after he shook himself off.

Gillian stared down at Cal, her smile twitching the corner of her mouth. "Can you even get up?"

"'Course I can get up." His grumble was low under his breath as he twisted around, looking for some kind of purchase. "Just might take me a minute."

Cal maneuvered and managed to get to one knee before holding a hand out. "Fine. A little help here?"

She rolled her eyes and stepped close to grab hold of him. Cal pushed, Gillian pulled and he was easily up and pressing her against the wall. They locked eyes as he smirked. "How does it feel to be played?"

"You're incorrigible."

"I know it." He nestled his bearded jaw into the crook of her neck and softly kissed the creamy flesh. At fifty, Gillian could still easily pass for 10 years younger.

Her gasp merged with a giggle. "The boys'll see!"

"Eh. Let them. Good to see affection between their grandparents. May be old but—"

"Speak for yourself!"

He nipped her in retaliation and she squeaked. "You realize everyone's going to be here soon?"

Cal groaned as a chorus of "Grandpa, Grandpa, Papapapapapapa…" floated back and reached their ears.

He peered into Gillian's eyes again. "Maybe pick this up where we left off after the herd leaves?"

"We'll see. If you're good." She leaned forward a brushed her lips against his, backing off swiftly when he attempted one more try at the next level. "Mind yourself."

"No fun."

"Not now." She tapped his cheek and slid from between Cal and the wall.

He stared after her, smirk still in place, before following behind.

* * *

William and Faith were due back to collect their boys after a couple days of R&R in Vegas, but Emily and her husband, Marcus, would also be by with their baby girl, Madison. It was an impromptu family reunion, which Cal grumped about but it was in a good-natured light. It wasn't as common as he and Gill would have wished because of the continuous clash of schedules.

Finding the right balance of medication, therapy and support, Will shook off his demons and returned to school to pursue an M.D., specializing in oncology. Nicolas had been born a few weeks after graduation and Benjamin not long after he'd been offered a position at Johns Hopkins. He'd come a long way and Cal was proud of him.

Emily had decided to study abroad for a couple of semesters and subsequently brought Marcus home as a souvenir, much to Cal's chagrin. Marcus was a writer and Em specialized in International Law. It was an odd mix, but it worked. _They_ worked.

"Papapapapapa…" Ben grabbed hold of Cal's jeans and bounced up and down impatiently, his hazel eyes pleading.

"I know buddy." He stepped toward the freezer, careful not to set the little boy off balance.

Nicolas grabbed spoons from the drawer and dropped them on the breakfast bar next to the chocolate syrup he'd already raided from the fridge. He climbed onto a barstool next to Gillian, who reached over and smoothed his hair. "Excited your mom and dad are coming home today?"

The boy thought about it. "Yeah, I think so but it's more fun here cuz we get to stay up later, have ice cream before dinner and drink from the hose. Oh, and we get to have chocolate chip pancakes every morning."

"I'll deny it." Cal snarked, not even looking up from scooping duty. "Besides, it's grandparent privilege to spoil ya before sending you back to your folks."

"When can we come again?"

"Soon sweetie." Gillian pushed the floppy blonde hair from his eyes and he grinned at her.

* * *

"You okay?" Gill stepped toward him, the background chaos of their family playing Pictionary following until she pulled the bedroom door softly closed. "You slipped away on me."

He sat at the foot of their bed, leafing through an album. "Dunno, just needed a minute I guess."

"A little melancholy?" Sitting next to him, she gazed down at the open page. He had a habit of believing he had too much sometimes, that somehow he'd benefitted from Nicole's death in the long run. There was an unvoiced fear that it would all just be pulled away from him as a result.

"S'pose."

She rubbed his back in gentle arcs. "You've done right by him. She'd be exceptionally proud you know."

His smile was sad but he nodded.

"You deserve those great kids and grandkids. You've always tried to do the right thing, despite everything. They all adore you." Kissing his temple, she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Even when I'm crotchety?"

"Especially then."

"Really?"

"No."

"Mean one you are."

They gazed down at the photos. The last one had only been snapped six months ago. It was very informal, taken by a very tolerant nurse. Emily in bed holding Madison, with Marcus sitting close, arm wrapped around her shoulders. Faith sat in a flanking armchair, Benjamin in her lap, while Will squatted next to her, Nicolas leaning against him. Everyone was beaming, except for a pissed off Ben. Cal was seated on the other side of the bed and had pulled Gill down into his lap at the last moment. Her expression was one of surprise but held the most beautiful warmth regardless.

"It's been quite a trip hasn't it?" Cal kissed her hair and smiled at her sigh.

"Sure has."

They were quiet and the sound of muffled laughter sifted through the door.

"Wouldn't change it for anythin' though."

"I hear that." She was so comfortable, as if she were made to fit exactly with him.

"Thank you Gillian."

"For what?"

"For agreeing to share my life. I can't imagine doin' this without you."

Tears were stinging when she lifted her head from the safety of his shoulder to meet his eyes. Without replying, she leaned forward and kissed him tenderly.

Cal returned the kiss, fingers lacing into her hair, the album forgotten. He was hopeful when he moved away. "Maybe a quickie while they're all occupied?"

"Dream on."

"It was worth a shot."

"Ready to return to your beautiful children and grandchildren?"

"If I'm not gonna get lucky, then sure, why not?"

Shaking her head, she pushed off the bed and reached to take his hand.

* * *

**_Thank you for all your comments throughout this story. Hope you enjoyed my little epilogue. :)_**


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